The Official Unofficial 2000 NFL Draft Timeline

Posted by admin - 15/04/00 at 12:04 am

The NFL Draft Day timeline, 2000:

Saturday, 6:30am, Central Standard Time: Mel Kiper, draft expert, walks out onto his front porch, where his newspaper delivery boy throws his morning paper at his feet. Kiper makes a mental note to downgrade the lad on his Draft Board for 2009.

11:00am: The television coverage begins on ESPN, as the Cleveland Browns go on the clock. In spite of basically being “on the clock” since October of last season, it still takes them ten minutes to select defensive lineman Courtney Brown of Penn State. Penn State fans everywhere cheer at producing the first draft pick for the first time since 1995. Somewhere, Ki-Jana Carter trips over a black cat and falls through a mirror.

11:15am: The Washington Redskins draft the next two players, giving the NFC East Division Champions two impact players for this coming season. In the Redskins War Room, Skins owner Daniel Snyder informs head coach Norv Turner that Norv is now on the clock.

11:45am: A pizza delivery boy arrives, calling out that he’s got a large hamburger and anchovy for “Mel Kiper, draft expert.” Kiper asks the boy to repeat that loudly, then tips the guy twenty bucks.

12:25pm: Chicago has the ninth pick, and announces that they’d like to use a lifeline.

12:45pm: ESPN’s coverage shifts to San Francisco, where after much analysis, reporter Sean Salisbury is finally able to identify the 49ers display jerseys on the broadcast set.

1:00pm: The New York Jets are frustrated because they cannot trade Tampa Bay’s first round picks they acquired for Keyshawn Johnson to move up and draft a receiver. Amazingly enough, Tampa Bay is not at all surprised by this, since that’s why they traded them for Keyshawn in the first place.

1:25pm: Jets fans in attendance at the draft are treated to their second-favorite occurrence, as the Jets make the expected pick of defensive lineman Shaun Ellis. Jets fans cheer. The Jets fans are then treated to their favorite occurrence, as the Jets use the very next pick on someone Jets fans weren’t expecting to be drafted so high. Jets fans look at the television cameras and scream cries of disgust.

1:45pm: Green Bay drafts tight end Bubba Franks as a possible replacement to Mark Chmura, thus providing protection to Bret Favre and also to babysitters everywhere.

2:10pm: The Raiders continue a draft tradition by making a first-round pick greeted with stunned silence. The Raiders pick kicker Sebastian Janikowski, saying that he will add another element to their team. Analysts agree, since the Raiders don’t currently have a Polish kicker on their team who’s been arrested for bribery and is in danger of being deported.

2:20pm: A UPS man arrives with a package for “Mel Kiper, draft expert.” Kiper asks the man to repeat that loudly, then tips him twenty bucks.

2:45pm: Seattle takes running back Shaun Alexander, two picks before divisional rival Kansas City plans to select him to fill the Chiefs glaring backfield needs.

2:47pm: Kansas City dispatches an intern to place a flaming bag of dog poop outside the door of the Seahawks War Room, then ring the doorbell and run off.

3:00pm: San Diego, having no first round pick, makes a personnel decision by inquiring about a quarterback currently working as a backup on an Arena League expansion team. Chargers fans hope that last line was a joke. Unfortunately, Todd Marinovich’s phone is ringing, people.

3:15pm: The draft really starts to get defensive, as Vikings head coach Dennis Green is interviewed. While defending his draft choices of the past two years, Green displays a level of paranoia you normally see associated with people in the Witness Relocation Program. Green reaffirms his draft logic, including last year’s first round attempted suicide who is currently on his third NFL roster.

4:45pm: A bondsman arrives with a summons for “Mel Kiper, draft expert.” Kiper asks the man to repeat that over the intercom, then tips him fifty bucks.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.