Super Bowl XXXV Timeline: Nevermore (Ravens 34, Giants 7)

Posted by admin - 28/01/01 at 01:01 am

The Super Bowl XXXV Timeline: Nevermore

January 28, 2001, 4:55pm CST – As two weeks of pregame draws to a close, one final performance airs to get the crowd pumped up for the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Sting chooses a droning number from last year’s album, leaving the crowd dazed. Are you ready for some football? How about some Indian chanting?

5:00pm – Player introductions begin for Super Bowl XXXV.

5:01pm – The first player introduced, Tony Siragusa, is clearly heard saying the “f-word” as he runs onto the field. It figures that after XXXV years of doing Super Bowl broadcasts, the networks still don’t know which mics to leave open. Here’s a hint: None of the ones near Tony Siragusa, folks.

5:04pm – First dance of the game. Ray Lewis does a celebratory jig as his name is called during introductions. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue immediately enacts an “Excessive Pregame Celebration” penalty for next season.

5:21pm – Backstreet Boys sing the National Anthem.

5:22pm – Twelve-year-old girls worldwide turn the channel to MTV’s Super Bowl coverage.

5:25pm – Super Bowl XXXV kicks off.

5:45pm – Ravens make the first 1st down of Super Bowl XXXV. Whoever had “20 minutes” in your office pool wins some cash.

5:48pm – Jermaine Lewis returns a punt 43 yards for the Ravens, electrifying the crowd. A holding call on the play nullifies the yardage, the crowd, and the electricity.

5:49pm – People worldwide are jolted out of their naps as Trent Dilfer connects with Brandon Stokley for a touchdown pass. Jason Sehorn is beaten deep for the touchdown. Angie Harmon is unavailable for comment.

6:01pm – Kyle Richardson continues to garner MVP votes with his fifth punt of the day for the Ravens.

6:03pm – In a confused attempt to evade the Ravens pass rush, Kerry Collins tries to fake intentional grounding.

6:05pm – Jason Sehorn slips down on the coverage, and Ravens wide receiver Patrick Johnson sprints wide open down the sidelines. Trent Dilfer sees the opportunity and throws a perfect spiral four yards out of bounds.

6:06pm – In the broadcast booth, former NFL quarterback and CBS analyst Phil Simms receives a contract offer from Ravens coach Brian Billick.

6:16pm – Baltimore gets a third down completion from Dilfer to Patrick Johnson for eight yards and a first down. CBS gets so excited, they break out the new “Matrix” special effects to show the eight-yard gain. Millions of kids with Playstation 2’s everywhere are suitably unimpressed.

6:25pm – Kerry Collins is picked off by Jamie Sharper. Collins seems unfazed by his miscue as he goes to the sidelines, thus providing a recurring theme for the day.

6:27pm – Brian Billick’s life passes before his eyes when a Dilfer screen pass is intercepted and returned for a touchdown. A holding penalty nullifies the play, but the nausea persists.

6:28pm – In the press box, former NFL quarterback and radio analyst Boomer Esiason receives a contract offer from Brian Billick.

6:51pm – Giants running back Tiki Barber goes for 27 yards to put the Giants into field goal range with less than two minutes to go until halftime. Giants fans everywhere cheer.

6:52pm – On the next play, Kerry Collins throws his second interception of the day. Giants fans everywhere utter phrases not suitable for print in a family Examiner column.

6:54pm – Halftime arrives, with the Ravens leading 10-0. The “under” appears to have been the safe bet. America gets up to go to the bathroom.

7:14pm – The halftime show concludes, with Aerosmith performing their rock classic “Walk This Way” with four current popular musical acts, none of whom were alive when the song was recorded. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith attempts to pick up Britney Spears with the line, “Hey, wasn’t my daughter your baby sitter?”

7:20pm – Greg Gumbel, who holds a Masters Degree in Hyperbole, refers to Trent Dilfer’s first half performance (7-17, 108 yards) as “superb.” Phil Simms, who was 22 for 25 in Super Bowl XXI, bites his tongue so hard he draws blood.

7:24pm – A quick recap of the first half statistics shows 13 punts and 11 penalties. This is not what was intended by the NFL slogan “Show Me Something.”

7:33pm – Kerry Collins throws interception number three.

7:34pm – Tony Banks comes in at quarterback for an injured Dilfer, immediately reminding Ravens fans how Dilfer got the starting job. The Ravens schedule one incomplete pass in the middle of five runs, and miss a field goal.

7:42pm – New York responds to the missed field goal by sending in Brad Maynard for the game’s fifteenth punt.

7:44pm – In an emotional moment, Trent Dilfer returns to quarterback the Ravens, leading them boldly into three incomplete passes and a record-setting sixteenth punt of the ball game.

7:49pm – Kerry Collins ties a Super Bowl record with his fourth interception, which is returned for a touchdown.

7:50pm – Giants coach Jim Fassel meets Brian Billick at midfield and tries to trade for Trent Dilfer.

7:53pm – Giants return man Ron Dixon returns a kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown, thus saving the Giants from the brink of oblivion.

7:54pm – Ravens return man Jermaine Lewis goes 84 yards for a score. Giants return to their regularly scheduled oblivion. The Super Bowl crowd is stunned by three touchdowns in 36 seconds of clock time. Worldwide, millions of bettors who took the “under” weep inconsolably.

8:18pm – Jamal Lewis scores on a three-yard touchdown run, which is challenged by the Giants.

8:22pm – Taking roughly the same amount of time Aerosmith was given to perform at halftime, the referee rules the touchdown is good. Millions of TV sets worldwide change channels.

8:26pm – The ensuing kickoff is fumbled by the Giants and recovered by Baltimore. Giants fans don’t notice, as “The Sopranos” is on.

8:44pm – Ray Lewis is named Super Bowl XXXV MVP. Mickey, Donald, and Goofy make plans to call in sick tomorrow if Lewis gets the Disneyland trip.

8:46pm – Super Bowl XXXV ends with a 34-7 win for the Baltimore Ravens. It turns out the “over” was the correct bet on both points (41) and punts (21).

9:14pm – The second season of “Survivor” starts. Kerry Collins is voted off the island.

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