Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline: Lack of Ram (Pats 20, Rams 17)Posted by admin - 03/02/02 at 01:02 am
Our Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline: Lack Of Ram
February 3, 2001, 8:15am (Central time) – Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe reads his morning paper and checks his horoscope. “Aquarius: Your moon is setting. Today is a big day for you, but in a way that only Bubby Brister can appreciate. Stay patient, and rent a U-Haul.”
2:40pm – During the Super Bowl pregame, John Walsh of “America’s Most Wanted” hosts a feature on Superdome security measures to keep out terrorists. Apparently, their scheme is based on the way the New England special teams treated Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Edwards in the AFC Championship game.
4:34pm – The pregame show begins, brought to you by the Declaration of Independence, Barry Manilow, and Britney Spears’ navel.
4:41pm – The Boston Pops perform. John Madden points out that while the woodwinds are playing straight up, the brass are in a zone.
5:03pm – The members of *NSYNC are now officially halfway through their career arc, having gone from halftime entertainers to pregame commercial endorsers in one year. The next step involves a VH1 “Behind The Music” special.
5:17pm – In a strange occurrence, New England elects to be introduced only as a team, with no individual players recognized. Enron executives begin to consider this strategy.
5:21pm – Mariah Carey lip-syncs the national anthem. Despite her recent problems, Carey does not wander off from the podium even once. Oddsmakers take their first beating of the day.
5:25pm – Terry Glenn wakes up, and tries to remember what he was supposed to be doing today.
5:31pm – Acting on instinct, Aeneas Williams intercepts the pregame coin toss and returns it for a touchdown. After a five-minute review, officials decide the touchdown should not stand.
5:34pm – Seconds before kickoff, Kurt Warner does a sideline interview in which he does not mention either religion or Chunky Soup. He obviously has a lot on his mind.
5:40pm – The Rams punt after their first possession of the game. People who took the Rams and gave points begin to sweat slightly.
5:42pm – Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis begins to wonder why nobody is showing up for his Super Bowl party.
5:56pm – After a New England punt, St. Louis scores on a Jeff Wilkins field goal to take the lead 3-0.
6:17pm – Another Rams field goal is no good when Mariah Carey wanders back out onto the field and distracts Jeff Wilkins by hitting a “high E.”
6:20pm – The “Fox Ticker” comes on, and inexplicably encourages viewers to stop watching the game and go log on to the internet.
6:29pm – Kurt Warner breaks up the offensive malaise Patriot fans are feeling by throwing an interception to Ty Law for a touchdown.
6:36pm – In a humorous moment, Patriots punt returner Troy Brown calls for a fair catch, even though it appears the Rams coverage team has been delayed by security and is standing on the sidelines barefoot having their shoes examined.
6:42pm – The “Fox Ticker” comes back on. This time, the message reminds us about the Pro Bowl next weekend while showing us players who will all have minor surgery after the Super Bowl and skip the event.
6:51pm – With 1:12 to go in the first half, Pepsi calls a time-out.
6:55pm – Tom Brady completes a touchdown pass to David Patten for a 14-3 halftime lead for New England.
7:09pm – It is announced that Clear Channel Communications has purchased the Super Bowl halftime show, the “First and Ten” stripe, and Pat Summerall’s answering machine message.
7:10pm – U2 takes the stage to thousands of screaming, exuberant fans. Oakland Raider Darrell Russell is spotted in the crowd trying to score some X.
7:18pm – U2 completes the first Super Bowl halftime show in recent memory that is neither insulting nor embarrassing. Entertainment organizers immediately make plans for next year’s show, involving fireworks, giant papier-mache hands, and trained monkeys.
7:24pm – Paul McCartney visits the Fox set, where he talks about the first half of the Super Bowl. Howie Long responds with a thematic analysis of the Abbey Road album.
7:26pm – Paul McCartney and Terry Bradshaw sing together. Stadium security threatens lethal force, and the duet mercifully stops.
8:00pm – Kurt Warner continues his bid for Super Bowl MVP by throwing his second interception, this one to Otis Smith.
8:04pm – After a series where the Patriots called both the halfback pass and the direct shotgun snap, they get a field goal. Mike Martz warns his defense to watch out for other plays from “The Longest Yard.”
8:07pm – After the third quarter, New England leads St. Louis 17-3. Anybody who gave points begins to weep uncontrollably.
8:10pm – As the fourth quarter starts, Pat and John begin to reminisce about all the games they’ve seen and called. In the booth, the “Shut Up, The Game Is Still Going On” light (sponsored by E*TRADE) comes on.
8:19pm – On fourth and goal from the three, the Rams call the “Kurt Warner lopes casually to the right” play. The Patriots stop Warner, cause a fumble, and return it for a touchdown.
8:20pm – A penalty brings back the touchdown and gives the Rams first and goal at the two. Sadly, this call comes too late to keep many minor organized crime figures from jumping out of windows.
8:21pm – After protesting the referee’s call from his living room, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban instinctively writes out a check to David Stern.
8:24pm – Kurt Warner scores on a quarterback sneak. Rams trail 17-10, but have now outscored both teams in yesterday’s NHL All-Star game.
8:40pm – Just to make things interesting, both teams decide to burn all of their timeouts halfway through the fourth quarter.
8:43pm – New England takes the clock down to the two-minute warning, then punts it away in hopes the Rams offense will continue to be unable to drive on them.
8:50pm – St. Louis drives the ball like Dennis Hopper has strapped a bomb to it, and scores the tying touchdown in three plays and twenty-one seconds. America stops watching “Fear Factor,” which is a pretty good idea anyway.
8:52pm – New England gets the ball back at their own seventeen, and John Madden announces he expects the Patriots to take a knee and go to overtime. Tom Brady responds with a fifty-three yard drive to set up a game-winning field goal.
8:57pm – Somewhere, Scott Norwood says a little prayer.
8:58pm – Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri lines up for a forty-eight yard field goal, connecting with no time left on the clock to win the game.
8:59pm – The word “dynasty” ceases to exist in the NFL lexicon for St. Louis. Terry Glenn’s “clinical depression” gets a little bit worse. Kurt Warner realizes he’s just another victim of “The Curse of Chunky Soup.”
9:02pm – BCS Computers announce they have selected St. Louis as Super Bowl Champions.