The Official Unofficial 2003 NFL Draft Timeline

Posted by admin - 26/04/03 at 12:04 am

The NFL Draft Day timeline, 2003:

Tuesday, April 22, 2003: Mel Kiper Draft Expert finishes his column examining the diluted urine of Charles Rogers, comparing it to the urine samples of every top ten wide receiver from the last ten years.

Wednesday: The Cincinnati Bengals, who’ve been on the clock since last September, come to terms with USC QB Carson Palmer on a contract similar to Akili Smith’s. This means Palmer gets a back-loaded deal that calls for him to begin his rookie year on the bench, then be jammed into the starting lineup later in a fit of panic, thus ruining his confidence and sending the Bengals back into the draft for a QB again in 2007.

Friday: The New York Jets trade their two first round picks for Chicago’s pick. Jets fans are immediately called to full alert to begin booing. Chicago plans to select two disappointing first-round draft picks instead of one.

Saturday, 11:01am – ESPN begins their broadcast, featuring live coverage and analysts from ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN.com, ESPN Radio, ESPN Classic, ESPN the Breakfast Cereal, and the ESPN Political Caucus.

11:07am – The Oakland Raiders sue Mel Kiper Draft Expert for copyright infringement, claiming the tar-like substance in his hair is too similar to the stickum used by Raiders DB Lester Hayes.

11:09am – The Bengals officially draft Palmer, making him the fifth quarterback on their roster who’s not ready to start an NFL game.

11:10am – The Detroit Lions go on the clock. When one of their scouts suggests deciding their pick with a “coin flip,” Matt Millen punches him in the throat.

11:12am – In an interview, Palmer refers to current Bengals QB Jon Kitna as a “great quarterback.” Mel Kiper Draft Expert immediately points out Palmer will need to improve his reads.

11:13am – Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis is interviewed. He seems to be ready for Cincinnati’s season, because he does not smile during the entire exchange.

11:17am – ESPN shows the Detroit Lions draft party at the Silverdome, where thousands of Lions fans are officially giving up on the Tigers.

11:18am – The Lions pick WR Charles Rogers. Chris Mortenson personally analyzes Rogers’ urine sample, and pronounces him free of drugs, steroids, SARS, and Dutch Elm Disease.

11:20am – Dennis Green describes Rogers as a “home run hitter.” Again, Tigers fans have no idea what he’s talking about.

11:27am – The Houston Texans select Miami WR Andre Johnson. Chris Mortenson describes Johnson as a cross between David Boston and Terrell Owens. This paints him as a big, strong receiver who’s not afraid to go over the middle, drive drunk, or celebrate excessively.

11:30am – ESPN goes to Merrill Hoge, who has apparently lost a bet and been forced to dress as Dr. Evil.

11:31am – Chris Berman says with a straight face the Jets crowd is “buzzing.” The Jets pick Dewayne Robertson, DT from Kentucky. Jets fans cheer, proving conclusively that they are drunk.

11:32am – The Washington Redskins attempt to sign Robertson to an offer sheet.

11:36am – Commercials announce Jim Rome is returning to ESPN. A rider in Rome’s new contract prevents anyone from making Jim Everett jokes.

11:40am – Dallas Cowboys pick Terence Newman, a cornerback from Kansas State who is sitting in the crowd with a cell phone stuck in his ear. Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentally makes a note to fine Newman.

11:41pm – In celebration of their draft pick, Cowboys fans in Dallas overturn and destroy a statue of Mel Kiper Draft Expert.

11:54am – Arizona trades their pick to New Orleans, who selects Georgia DT Johnathan Sullivan. It’s a questionable move, but really the only way the Cardinals could prevent making another bad top ten pick.

12:10pm – For the second year in a row, the Vikings let the clock run out on them. Jacksonville jumps in front and picks Marshall QB Byron Leftwich. A shot of the Vikings draft party in Minnesota shows a bunch of silent, confused people sitting in what appears to be a barn.

12:11pm – Carolina beats Minnesota to the podium and drafts Jordan Gross, OT from Utah. Donald Rumsfeld announces Vikings fans now officially experiencing “shock and awe.”

12:12pm – On-screen graphics illustrate that upwards of two dozen ESPN analysts have no idea what the Vikings are doing.

12:13pm – The Vikings finally select DT Kevin Williams. Almost immediately, the Ravens pick DE Terrell Suggs and Seattle grabs DB Marcus Trufant. ESPN analysts call these defensive additions good picks, even though no one can name even a single offensive player for either team.

12:17pm – An on-screen graphic notes Byron Leftwich is the first QB taken by Jacksonville since Rob Johnson. Somewhere in California, Johnson breaks his collarbone making himself a ham sandwich.

12:21pm – Vikings coach Mike Tice says jokingly his draft problems will get him used to the anxiety level for the regular season. Dennis Green wets himself with laughter.

12:37pm – The New England Patriots draft Texas A & M DT Ty Warren.

12:38pm – While onstage in London, Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks expresses shame Ty Warren is from Texas A & M.

12:43pm – Chicago, who rushed for a league-low 85 yards a game last year, drafts DB Michael Haynes of Penn State. The first-round pick is so questionable, the Oakland Raiders sue them for copyright infringement.

12:47pm – The Eagles trade with San Diego for the fifteenth pick. A flustered Chris Berman calls for a commercial break, and interns come out to hose down the crew.

12:52pm – On screen graphics show eight of the top fifteen picks have been defensive linemen. It seems as if either everyone is upgrading their d-lines, or they’re unconcerned because they’re only playing against Chicago next year.

1:16pm – Arizona selects WR Bryant Johnson from Penn State, then takes DE Calvin Pace out of Wake Forest. The Cardinals have taken 23 minutes to make their picks, which marks the longest they’ve ever been on national television.

2:02pm – The Cleveland Browns attempt to draft LeBron James.

2:14pm – The Chicago Bears, who signed QB Kordell Stewart in the offseason, pick QB Rex Grossman from Florida. Say what you will about the Bears, this shows they’ve done their scouting on Stewart.

2:26pm – The Buffalo Bills draft RB Willis McGahee of Miami, in spite of his injured knee. The last time they reached for an injured RB, it was Thurman Thomas. Of course, the last time other teams reached for perfectly healthy running backs, they came up with Lawrence Phillips, James Avery, and Rashaan Salaam. Caveat emptor.

2:50pm – Kansas City, who gave up almost four hundred yards a game last year, picks RB Larry Johnson of Penn State, even though they still have sixteen-hundred-yard-rusher Priest Holmes on staff. Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil is happy, having finally filled out his perfect fantasy football team.

3:48pm – With the final pick of the first round, the Oakland Raiders draft Colorado DE Tyler Brayton, then sue the Tampa Bay Bucs for giving them such a lousy pick in the Jon Gruden deal.

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