Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline: Patriot Games (Pats 32, Panthers 29)

Posted by admin - 01/02/04 at 01:02 am

Ah, Super Bowl XXXVIII, a game sadly more remembered for its halftime show than the football game. Yes, a momentary glance of nipple overshadowed both the high-water mark for Carolina and the second step in the Patriots dynasty. Amazing things, those nipples.

Our Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline: Patriot Games

Sunday, February 1, 2004, 3:45pm – The retractable roof at Reliant Stadium is closed. The Houston forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain, and a 100% chance of industrial waste and pollution. Street vendors begin carving out chunks of the Houston air to sell on eBay.

3:30pm – The 989 video game representation of the Super Bowl suddenly grinds to a halt as broadcaster Cyber-Deion Sanders holds out for more money.

4:15pm – Two days after NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue promised to cut down on unsportsmanlike conduct in the league, CBS produces a two-minute special where they put Ty Law and Steve Smith in a room together and they do nothing but trash talk.

4:30pm – Patriots receiver Troy Brown is interviewed on the field, and he talks about how calm New England is before the game. Brown does this in spite of stuttering, shaking and generally fidgeting like a ferret on crystal meth.

4:45pm – Toby Keith and Willie Nelson perform in the pregame show, then immediately leave to go get some munchies.

4:50pm – Thanks to President Bush’s new space plan, the members of Aerosmith are launched into orbit to fix the Mars Lander.

5:28pm – The Carolina Panthers win the coin toss. They choose to receive the ball and start the first fistfight of the game.

5:31pm – In a foreshadowing moment, the Carolina player introductions feature running back Stephen Davis walking at the camera, but not going anywhere.

5:33pm – Carolina makes the first punt of the game.

5:40pm – After a Patriots drive, Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal. An angry Don Cheadle heckles him in the next commercial break.

5:43pm – Jessica Simpson does a commercial with the Muppets. Boy, you know there was a rude awakening for her when she got on the set, don’t you?

5:44pm – Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme is sacked. Louisiana is sad.

6:11pm – Six punts later, the first quarter ends. Carolina has less than twenty yards of total offense. The Reliant Stadium crowd, which paid an average of $350 per punt so far, is understandably antsy.

6:19pm – Carolina punts again. In a promotional tie-in, the cast of CSI is brought in to do an autopsy on the Panthers offense.

6:20pm – In an interesting twist, Pepsi chooses criminal children to endorse their new music download program. In a related story, AOL seems to be using extras from “Roadhouse” to push the speed of their internet service.

6:26pm – Adam Vinatieri misses another field goal. His attempt is too low and gets blocked.

6:33pm – Another Pizza Hut commercial airs, featuring the Muppets. All the characters want different toppings on their pizza, including some who want pepperoni. Miss Piggy dials 911.

6:37pm – While warming up on the sidelines, Adam Vinatieri misses the broad side of a barn.

6:40pm – Jake Delhomme is sacked and fumbles, giving the Patriots less than twenty yards to go for a touchdown. America sits on the edge of their seats and puts their upcoming bathroom break on hold.

6:46pm – New England scores the first points of the game with a touchdown pass to Deion Branch. Viewers high five each other, figuring they’ve seen all the points they’re going to get in this game.

6:56pm – Samuel L. Jackson does a promotional spot for the NBA about Larry Bird. “You ever been to mother-@#%$^ing French Lick? Winners play on, @#%^er!”

7:02pm – Carolina caps a 95 yard drive with a touchdown pass to Steve Smith. Patriots cornerback Tyrone Poole is taken out of the play when he is run over by Robin Givens.

7:06pm – The Patriots throw a fifty-two yard pass to Deion Branch. In another CBS promotional tie-in, Tom Brady is protected in the pocket by the Survivor Immunity Necklace.

7:11pm – The Patriots score again, stunning Panthers fans and Vegas betters who took the under.

7:14pm – New England goes with a squib kick the Panthers return to midfield. CBS commentator Phil Simms rails against the call.

7:15pm – Carolina closes the half with a field goal. Phil Simms composes a haiku about how much he hates the squib kick.

Why make the squib kick?
How can Belicheck let the
Panthers right back in?

7:19pm – During the Super Bowl halftime, Dan Marino considers putting his resume on the internet and backing out of the Dolphins front office job.

7:25pm – MTV presents the Super Bowl halftime show. The show is changed on the fly as five minutes into the program, the network’s target audience shifts to a younger demographic.

7:27pm – P Diddy performs at halftime, which means he just plays a tape of last year’s halftime show and shouts over it.

7:32pm – Janet Jackson sings “Rhythm Nation.” Vegas oddsmakers install Rhythm Nation as four point favorites over Raider Nation.

7:38pm – The MTV halftime show closes with plenty of explosions, lip-synching, and gratuitous nudity.

7:39pm – CBS begins apologizing for the shot of Janet Jackson’s right breast that concluded the halftime show. A CBS on-air graphic indicates 74% of the men in America have stopped taping the Super Bowl and have rewound the VCR to watch the end of the halftime show again.

7:43pm – The second half is delayed by an ill-timed streaker. When you’re going to try and shock people with nudity, you shouldn’t do it five minutes after Janet Jackson’s right breast flops out on national TV. That’s like bragging about finishing the TV Guide crossword puzzle while Jeopardy’s Tournament of Champions is on.

7:46pm – The second half kicks off, sponsored by AOL, Viacom Breakaway Brassieres, and erectile dysfunction.

8:20pm – The third quarter ends with no scores. Both teams, apparently confused by a split-second of Janet Jackson’s right breast, are stunned into complacency.

8:22pm – A commercial for the NFL Network catches Rich Eisen checking out what else is on TV.

8:25pm – Antowain Smith scores, giving New England a comfortable eleven point-lead. Boston sports fans begin comparing Tom Brady to Joe Montana.

8:33pm – DeShaun Foster makes a touchdown run. The defensive struggle is pretty much shot. People who took the under begin drinking heavily. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

8:45pm – Tom Brady throws an interception in the end zone. The Joe Montana comparisons momentarily stop.

8:53pm – Muhsin Muhammad makes an eighty-five yard touchdown catch, and the Patriots trail in a football game for the first time since the 1986 season. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

9:04pm – New England is penalized for illegal touching. Michael Jackson sympathizes.

9:09pm – New England throws a touchdown pass to Mike Vrabel. Just to add insult to injury, they make the two-point conversion.

9:18pm – Ricky Proehl catches the game-tying touchdown for Carolina, because that’s what Ricky Proehl always does.

9:28pm – Adam Vinatieri lines up and hits a field goal with four seconds left to give New England a 32-29 lead.

9:31pm – The game ends, New England wins its second championship in three years. Tom Brady is selected as MVP. Boston sports fans pop open the champagne and begin celebrating their first ever football dynasty.

Monday, 9:38am – Boston sports fans go back to complaining about the Red Sox.

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