Super Bowl XLI: Manning Up (Colts 29, Bears 17)

Posted by admin - 04/02/07 at 01:02 am
Was it only 2007 that Chicago was a Super Bowl team, and Peyton Manning still hadn’t won the big one? Time to look back with all due sarcasm.

Your Official Super Bowl XLI Timeline: Manning Up

1:00pm – The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won’t last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.

1:01pm – CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for “intermittent showers”. “Intermittent” in this case meaning more like “begin assembling two of each animal.”

2:31pm – A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee’s in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.

2:48pm – Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.

3:15pm – Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he’s happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.

3:48pm – The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she’s right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in “Scarface”.

5:17pm – New York’s piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.

5:27pm – On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.

5:31pm – Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.

5:34pm – CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is “Don’t kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he’ll run it back for a touchdown.”

5:36pm – Colts QB Peyton Manning throws a pass that’s intercepted.

5:39pm – Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that’s almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.

5:43pm – Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.

5:47pm – Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.

5:49pm – In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.

5:52pm – Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.

5:56pm – A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it’s okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.

6:04pm – The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they’re dropping the ball.

6:32pm – CBS’s Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, “You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you.” Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody’s brought their teacher an apple since “Leave It To Beaver” went off the air.

6:50pm – The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.

6:56pm – Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.

7:06pm – The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince’s hair wrap.

7:07pm – Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his “Purple Rain” soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.

7:07pm – Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his “Purple Rain” soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.

7:13pm – The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?

7:21pm – Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can’t hang on to the damn ball.

7:47pm – Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, “When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it.”

7:59pm – Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.

8:21pm – Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.

8:31pm – With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can’t help but make an interception.

8:46pm – The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.

8:58pm – Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.

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