Dodgin’ The Draft ’08

Posted by admin - 28/04/08 at 02:04 pm

Saturday, 7:30 a.m. – – A predraft catastrophe occurs when the hair of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert is damaged in transit. Luckily, a strike team consisting of a stylist, a makeup artist, and an arc welder are on hand to avert the tragedy.

2:00 p.m. – ESPN’s official coverage of the draft begins, as opposed to the unofficial coverage they’ve been immersed in for the last two weeks.

2:01 p.m. – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the the NFL Draft, telling everyone that the new “streamlined” format of the draft will make things go quicker. That’s a good thing, since last year’s draft finished during the halftime show of Super Bowl XLII.

2:02 p.m. – Goodell launches right in, announcing the Dolphins pick of Jake Long as the number one pick. To show his approval, Miami’s Bill Parcells smiles so briefly, it can only be seen in HD.

2:10 p.m. – ESPN analyst Steve Young says the St. Louis Rams lack heart, and says that Jerry Rice brought heart to his 49ers teams of the 90’s. Young has now officially crossed the line from thoughtful analyst to the bitter, doddering old “back in my day” guy. He then calls Chris Long “Chris Young,” tells a rambling story about George Seifert’s driving, and leaves to go take a nap.

2:12 p.m. – The Rams select Chris Long, son of Howie Long.

2:13 p.m. – The Raiders attempt to select Howie Long, father of Chris Long. Raiders owner Al Davis justifies the decision by saying Howie would “look good in black and silver.”

2:14 p.m. – A cutaway shot of Chris Long shows him being interviewed by the NFL Network’s Deion Sanders. This serves the twofold purpose of
a) reminding football fans everywhere that the NFL Network is also providing draft day coverage, and
b) reminding football fans that they don’t want to watch it, because Deion Sanders is on it.

2:16 p.m. – A video recap of the past year for the Atlanta Falcons airs, leading Falcons fans to weep like they’ve just watched a double bill of “Steel Magnolias” and “Terms of Endearment.”

2:18 p.m. – ESPN provides a close up of analyst Keyshawn Johnson, who is wearing a pinstriped suit, plaid shirt, and pink polka dotted tie. ESPN HD viewers everywhere throw up.

2:19 p.m. – The Falcons select quarterback Matt Ryan. Somewhere, Michael Vick’s cellmate offers to cheer him up by shanking a prison guard for him.

2:27 p.m. – ESPN analysts discuss running back Darren McFadden’s past, including character concerns, nightclub altercations, and paternity suit problems.

2:28 p.m. – Raiders owner Al Davis responds, “You had me at character concerns,” and drafts McFadden.

2:35 p.m. – ESPN analyst Wendy Nix in Kansas City announces the Chiefs want to trade their pick, and will take the entire ten minutes before selecting a player.

2:36 p.m. – The Chiefs, who clearly weren’t listening, draft Glenn Dorsey less than sixty seconds after Nix makes her report.

2:37 p.m. – Steve Young talks about Dorsey’s “heart,” then slips away to drink a cup of hot tea with this month’s Reader’s Digest.

2:44 p.m. – With the Jets on the clock, New York fans in attendance boo. No reason, just warming up.

2:46 p.m. – The Jets take defensive end Vernon Gholston, and Jets fans break out in hearty cheers that last nearly a minute, until they notice New England has the next pick and start booing again.

2:50 p.m. – ESPN has to use on-screen graphics to explain how last year, the New England Patriots somehow wound up trading draft picks for Randy Moss and losing their first round draft pick for cheating, yet somehow still wound up almost undefeated and have the seventh overall pick.

2:52 p.m. – The Patriots make another monster trade, sending their pick to New Orleans. In exchange, evil genius Bill Belichick gets the Saints next pick, a pick next year, and Harry Connick Junior.

2:57 p.m. – A flurry of trade fever breaks out, as the Jaguars trade up to get defensive end Derrick Harvey. Baltimore swaps with them in exchange for four draft picks, Keyshawn Johnson’s polka dot tie, and a top secret ABC memo that explains what’s happening on “Lost.”

3:08 p.m. – Cincinnati goes on the clock, and selects linebacker Keith Rivers. Analyst Ron Jaworski says he’s a player that can “blow up the running back,” which is one of the few crimes that haven’t yet been associated with the Bengals.

3:16 p.m. – An onscreen graphic shows the Buffalo Bills were 30th in the league in offense, and 31st in defense. The Bills top secret draft folder holds a single piece of paper that says “Draft Needs: Everything.”

3:37 p.m. – The Chicago Bears select offensive lineman Chris Williams in an attempt to keep their stable of awful quarterbacks conscious.

3:43 p.m. – With their first round pick, the Detroit Lions draft a wide receiver. Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Lions break with tradition, and just trade the pick rather than screw it up.

3:50 p.m. – An on-screen graphic indicates Arizona’s 8-8 finish last year was their best season since 1998, thus reminding Cardinal fans their team has completed their decade-long march back to mediocrity.

3:55 p.m. – The Cardinals draft Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a player who sounds like a top choice in the WNBA.

4:04 p.m. – The Ravens draft quarterback Joe Flacco, who Mel Kiper, Draft Expert refers to as “an athlete.” Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen sends an assistant to research whether that’s important or not.

4:30 p.m. – The Dallas Cowboys go on the clock. ESPN mentions that the Cowboys trade for frequently arrested cornerback Pacman Jones is complete, thus simultaneously exciting fans and terrifying strippers all over the Dallas area.

4:39 p.m. – With the loss of running back Julius Jones, the Cowboys elect to replace him. After considering Davey Jones, Jesus Jones, Quincy Jones, and Blackbelt Jones, Dallas settles on Felix Jones.

5:10 p.m. – The Texans make their pick, which they obtained from Baltimore, who got it from Jacksonville, who won it on “Deal or No Deal.”

5:35 p.m. – The first round ends with the perfect storm of NFL fanship, as the New York Jets and Giants have back-to-back picks. When the crowd realizes New York gets the final two selections because the Patriots forfeited their pick for cheating, the fans begin what can be described as the world’s most overweight, alcoholic victory dance.

Previous NFL Draft Timelines:
2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown.
2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans’ favorite Bush.
2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs.
2004: The Great Manning controversy.
2003: The Bengals remain on the clock.
2002: David Carr’s biomechanics are questioned.
2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon.
2000: Janikowski, baby.
1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?

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