Super Bowl XLIII Timeline: Steel Certain (Steelers 27, Cards 23)

Posted by admin - 01/02/09 at 12:02 am
Looking back with sarcasm: We knew going in that Super Bowl XLIII would be historic for one reason or another, either a first win or a record-setting sixth. Somewhere along the way we saw two miracle comebacks, some foolish penalties, and a whole bunch of violent commercials.

Early Sunday morning, February 1, 2009: Michael Phelps cancels his Super Bowl party.

5:24pm – The NFL honors the crew of US Airways Flight 1549, including Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger III who crash landed the plane into the Hudson River. On the way off the field, Sully is offered a job steering the Detroit Lions to safety.

5:27pm – The Cardinals win the coin flip.

5:28pm – Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagejovich offers to sell the coin flip to the Steelers.

5:29pm – On the sidelines, Andrea Kramer describes in great detail the experimental medical procedure Hines Ward went through to overcome an injury in time for the game. NBC then goes to Alex Flanagan on the Cardinals sideline where she compares Kurt Warner’s life to an F. Scott Fitzgerald quote. It’s like NBC is trying to sneak a semester of community college into their broadcast.

5:32pm – After the Steelers receive the kickoff, John Madden and Al Michaels discuss how the Arizona defense has been underrated in the playoffs.

5:34pm – As if to underscore their point, Hines Ward gets so open he’s lonely and catches a pass for thirty-eight yards.

5:36pm – Ben Roethlisberger throws to Heath Miller who takes it down to the one. Due to Anheuser-Busch’s exclusive alcohol sponsorship with the Super Bowl, Miller is referred to as “Heath Beerman.”

5:38pm – Roethlisberger scores a touchdown for Pittsburgh, or at least that’s what we’ll believe for a little while.

5:41pm – While waiting on the replay, Audi shows us Jason Statham stealing cars through history.

5:43pm – The touchdown is overturned, so the Steelers take the field goal, 3-0.

5:45pm – A Doritos commercial encourages us to vandalise snack machines and steal their product. I guess that’s the best snack to have while stealing Audi cars.

5:51pm – Arizona’s first drive is undone by a penalty, fumble, slip in the backfield, and incomplete pass. To make matters worse, Kurt Warner gets Rickroll’d on his way off the field.

6:02pm – A commercial airs for “Fast & Furious,” a sequel with a title which no longer describes Vin Deisel’s career.

6:05pm – With a third and goal for the Steelers, Pepsi takes a time out.

6:08pm – Whoever had “Gary Russell” in your office pool to score the first touchdown should start handing out stock tips. Steelers lead 10-0.

6:09pm – Pepsi Max shows a commercial equating their beverage with severe injuries.

6:11pm – One minute into the second quarter, Pittsburgh has 10 points, while Arizona has five plays.

6:13pm – A commercial gives us our first glimpse of a Shatner-free Star Trek.

6:15pm – On the sidelines, NBC shows Matt Leinart, one-time Heisman Trophy winner and current backup to a guy who was once selected “Grocery Bagboy of the Month.”

6:20pm – Anquan Boldin catches a pass, winding up down at the two-yard line.

6:21pm – Warner furthers his own record for “Most Times Stepped On By Center,” but recovers and throws a touchdown to Ben Patrick.

6:22pm – Gatorade unveils their new ad campaign involving people you’re not sure you recognize, all brought to you by the letter “G.”

6:31pm – Mitch Berger punts, and Steve Breaston returns it. That’s sort of two of my favorite words right there.

6:48pm – Larry Fitzgerald finally catches a pass, after being MIA longer than Mickey Rourke.

6:52pm – With the ball on the two, Kurt Warner throws an interception and James Harrison makes the longest, slowest touchdown run ever in Super Bowl history.

7:02pm – NBC’s halftime show features Super Bowl champion coach Tony Dungy, Super Bowl champion coach Mike Holmgren, and former 0-16 Lions general manager Matt Millen. One of these things is not like the others.

7:06pm – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band start the halftime show. Bruce announces up front he’s only got 12 minutes, so don’t expect any encores.

7:08pm – America wonders why that guy from “The Sopranos” is on stage with Springsteen.

7:10pm – Bruce slides a bit too far across the stage, slamming his crotch into a cameraman live on worldwide television. Hi Def TV was made for moments like these.

7:11pm – Bruce performs “Born To Run,” a charming anthem that mentions suicide twice. Springsteen has a lot of great songs that people don’t actually listen to the lyrics of.

7:16pm – Bruce does “Glory Days,” another fine example of the “Great-song-that’s-actually-depressing-if-you-listen-to-it” phenomena. Bruce changes the words to reflect football, thus losing the “speedball” reference that’s never made sense. A “fastball” is a baseball pitch, a “speedball” is what killed John Belushi.

7:18pm – Bruce gets a delay of game penalty. Yeah, he wasn’t happy with the 12 minutes. In a real concert, Bruce can chew up 12 minutes in between songs with a story about the mill in his hometown shutting down.

7:35pm – The second half begins with James Harrison recovering a fumble. The call is reversed while we watch a commercial offering us free breakfast at Denny’s, for no apparent reason.

7:42pm – A commercial airs for “Race To Witch Mountain” starring The Rock, yet another Disney movie based around a guy who used to make a living hitting people with folding chairs.

7:47pm – We officially enter the “Stupid Penalties Contest” portion of the game, with Arizona called for roughing the passer.

7:53pm – The Cardinals force the Steelers to kick a field goal, then commit their third personal foul of the drive to give them a first and goal.

7:57pm – The Steelers respond with a field goal, anyway. Apparently Mike Tomlin is playing in one of those office pools with the squares, and really needs the third quarter to end 20-7.

7:58pm – A commercial airs for the next Transformers movie. Here’s everything I remember about the first Transformers movie.

8:01pm – Coca-Cola pays for a commercial to show us that insects love their product, for some reason.

8:06pm – The commercial violence trend reaches new heights, as Jack In The Box apparently murders their spokesman on camera. Unless next year’s commercials show live eviscerations, I think we’ve reached the end of the trend.

8:26pm – Larry Fitzgerald catches a touchdown pass, which is a great relief to both Cardinals fans and anyone else who is sick of the ongoing “Why isn’t Fitzgerald catching any touchdown passes?” discussion.

8:33pm – Saturday Night Live character “McGruber” gets his own Pepsi commercial, which probably doesn’t make any sense to anyone who gave up on Saturday Night Live years ago.

8:35pm – Just to even the score on penalties, the Steelers give the Cardinals a personal foul.

8:37pm – Arizona sees the personal foul and raises with Mike Gandy’s third holding penalty of the night.

8:41pm – The Steelers continue the “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Stupider” discussion by having James Harrison mug a guy like a new prison roommate long after the play is over.

8:44pm – The Steelers end the discussion over which team’s penalties are dumber when a first down catch by Santonio Holmes is undone by center Justin Hartwig getting called for holding in the end zone, giving Arizona a safety.

8:48 pm – After the free kick, the Steelers decide to leave the middle of the field open like a runway. Larry Fitzgerald catches his second touchdown of the game to give Arizona their first-ever Super Bowl lead, 23-20.

8:58pm – Santonio Holmes makes a great catch to get down inside the 10-yard line, then walks off with the ball to celebrate while ignoring the fact the clock is running with less than a minute to go. Pittsburgh takes their final time out.

9:00pm – Holmes catches the go-ahead touchdown. Arizona Cardinals fans realize their team has just staged the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history, and they are still going to lose.

9:08 – The Steelers claim their sixth Super Bowl victory. The film “The Kurt Warner Story” has officially gone from a Disney summer blockbuster starring The Rock to a TV movie airing on the Trinity Network starring Kirk Cameron.

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