The Official Unofficial 2009 NFL Draft Timeline

Posted by admin - 25/04/09 at 11:04 pm

The Official Unofficial 2009 NFL Draft Day Timeline:

Friday, April 25, 2009: The Detroit Lions come to terms with Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford on a contract so rich, the Yankees try and trade for him.

Saturday morning, April 26, 2009: Mel Kiper Draft Expert finishes his newsletter on the “Top 1000 Seventh-Grade Football Prospects In The Country,” removes his hair from its cryogenic chamber, and prepares for the day.

8:00 am, Central time: Matthew Stafford wakes up for draft day, having already earned nine thousand dollars since last night.

3:00 pm: ESPN’s draft coverage officially begins, live from Radio City Music Hall.  Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the draft and tells us the Lions are on the clock for the top pick, which is something we’ve all known since last October.

3:01 pm: The Lions officially take Stafford. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews asks him if he loves a challenge. She apparently specializes in understatement, since calling the Lions a “challenge” for a quarterback is like calling a parachute an “option” for a skydiver.
3:14 pm: The St. Louis Rams make their annual #2 pick in the draft, selecting offensive tackle Jason Smith.

3:20 pm: ESPN interviews Herm Edwards about what the Chiefs will do with the third pick, even though Edwards was fired as Chiefs coach three months ago. That’s like finishing your divorce, then the judge asking you who you think your ex-wife should date next. Herm says they’ll take a linebacker.

3:24 pm: We get our first massive understatement of the draft, as ESPN’s Steve Young yells out, “There are a lot of people who don’t know what I’m talking about.”

3:25 pm: The Chiefs take a defensive end, Tyson Jackson, with the third pick. Herm Edwards starts to realize why his old friends at the Chiefs don’t return his phone calls.

3:39 pm: The Cleveland Browns make a trade with the New York Jets. The New York City crowd starts to go wild, with ESPN showing shots of dozens of screaming Jets fans clad in jerseys of their home town team. The one thing they all have in common? They’re all wearing jerseys of players who are no longer with the Jets.

3:41 pm: Mark Sanchez dons a Jets cap before Roger Goodell can even get to the podium, and the crowd celebrates like they’ve just signed a Hall of Famer to quarterback them, even though that didn’t work out too well for them last year when they tried it.

3:50 pm: In an attempt to keep Carson Palmer conscious, the Bengals take tackle Andre Smith.

3:54 pm: The Oakland Raiders prepare to make their fourth straight top seven pick, after finishing 2008 29th in offense and 27th in defense. At the top of the Raiders Draft board under needs, it simply says “Everything.”

3:57 pm: The Raiders somehow still screw it up. They take receiver Darius Heyward-Bey, a pick that immediately gets an “F” grade from Mel Kiper Draft Expert, Todd McShay, Raiders fans, the crowd, and generally everyone whose last name is not either Howard or Bey.

3:59 pm: Discussing Howard-Bey, Mel Kiper Draft expert points out he went two games without a catch last year. Keyshawn Johnson says you should never be shut out when you’re a number one guy. He neglects to point out that when you’re a number one guy, you should also not be suspended for the rest of the season for insubordination the year after you win a Super Bowl.

4:02pm: The US Government offers a federal bailout to the Oakland Raiders.

4:09pm: In a cost-cutting move, the Lions announce plans to shut down their operations for sixteen weeks during the fall.

4:18pm: For some reason, Mel Kiper Draft Expert spends three minutes discussing why San Francisco shouldn’t take any of the players on his “Best Available” board.

4:21pm: San Francisco takes receiver Michael Crabtree with the tenth pick. With the 49ers selecting a receiver, ESPN’s Steve Young proceeds to namedrop Jerry Rice a dozen times in the next five minutes.

4:31pm: After dealing Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler to Chicago, Denver takes running back Knowshow Moreno with the twelfth pick. ESPN’s Steve Young and Keyshawn Johnson barely notice the pick, as they take the moment to drag Denver’s management over the coals again for losing Cutler.

4:33pm: In the midst of the ESPN analysts still complaining about the Cutler trade, Washington sprints up to the podium to take defensive end Brian Orakpo. Orakpo holds his Redskins jersey and flashes the Texas “Hook ‘Em Horns” hand sign, which isn’t exactly the most endearing way to start a career in Washington.

4:40pm: The Saints take defensive end Malcolm Jenkins with the fourteenth pick. With no more picks in the next hundred choices, Saints management goes out for gumbo.

4:45pm: With the fifteenth pick, the Houston Texans take USC linebacker Brian Cushing. Cushing is sporting the high ponytail, which makes him look like either a professional wrestler, or the bad guy in a late-eighties Stallone movie.

5:02pm: The Cleveland Browns trade down for the second time today, giving the seventeeth pick to Tampa Bay to take quarterback Josh Freeman. The Buccaneers now have more quarterbacks than the Hall of Fame.

5:04pm: ESPN’s cutaway shows Freeman being interviewed by the NFL Network’s Deion Sanders, thus reminding all of us why we’re watching ESPN and not the NFL Network.

5:06pm: The Denver Broncos take defensive end Robert Ayers.

5:09pm: With nothing else to do, the ESPN analysts go back to yelling at Denver for trading Jay Cutler.

5:13pm: Cleveland trades down again, giving the Eagles the nineteenth pick to select wide receiver Jeremy Maclin. Without making a pick today, the Browns have acquired six draft picks, three players, two trainers, a stadium announcer, a case of new footballs, and a rare first edition of “Twilight.”

5:20pm: With Detroit’s second pick in the first round, they take tight end Brandon Pettigrew. Since Detroit was dead last in the NFL in defense last year and might start a rookie quarterback, there’s a chance that Pettigrew might wind up leading the team in tackles just bringing guys down after interceptions.

5:28pm: The Minnesota Vikings select receiver Percy Harvin with the twenty-second pick. This is the first time the Vikings have taken a wide receiver in the first round since Troy Williamson in 2005, which gives Harvin an awful lot to live down to.

5:31pm: ESPN discusses what Chris Mortenson calls Harvin’s “Red Flag issues,” including his positive drug test at the NFL Combine. How stupid do you have to be to test positive for a drug test you that know is coming, at a million-dollar job interview? That’s like showing up drunk for your appearance on “Jeopardy.”

5:34pm: The Patriots trade their draft pick to Baltimore because, well, that’s what the Patriots do. The Ravens take tackle Michael Oher with the twenty-third pick.

5:41pm: Atlanta takes defensive tackle Peria Jerry with the twenty-fourth pick. Somewhere, former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick sighs dejectedly, and goes back to washing prison lunch trays.

5:53pm: The Patriots trade down from the twenty-sixth pick, just to show Cleveland how it’s done.

5:55pm: Green Bay drafts linebacker Clay Matthews, who appears to have his entire family decked out in an endorsement deal for some suplement. Quite classy. “No mom, we’re all wearing the BLACK t-shirts for the live shot. And hurry! Splay the product attractively around the living room while we all try and look stronger!” Come on, Clay’s dad played for almost two decades in the league, you’d think they’d have enough money saved up to wait until after junior actually got drafted to start shilling products.

6:04pm: The Bills take center Eric Wood with the twenty-eighth pick. When asked about his team’s draft choice, Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens admits he has no idea what a “center” is.

6:09pm: The Giants take receiver wide receiver Hakeem Nicks, in hopes he’ll take the place of Plaxico Burress. Having learned their lesson, the Giants drafted Nicks because he’s a big, physical receiver with strong hands who shows up for practice and doesn’t own a handgun.

6:26pm: The Arizona Cardinals take Chris “Beanie” Wells with the thirty-first pick. Somewhere, Edgerrin James takes his family out to dinner, then stops at the post office on the way home for change-of-address labels.

6:32pm: The Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers finish out the first round by taking defensive tackle Ziggy Hood.

6:45pm: ESPN shows a retrospective from the last twenty years of their coverage. Frighteningly, Mel Kiper Draft Expert does not appear to have aged at all over the course of the draft. As Richard is to the island on Lost, so Mel Kiper Draft Expert is to the NFL Draft. It sustains him…forever.

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