Lost: Complete & Total Suckage

Posted by admin - 24/05/10 at 02:05 am

Now that Lost is finally over, it’s certainly got some people talking. Some critics love it, going overboard about the symbolism and applauding the revelation of the sideways timeline. More than half of the comments I got from people last night were confused and angry. Some of them weren’t even sure what had happened, and to what degree the final revelation affected the series.

Here’s the biggest problem I had with the revelations in the finale. I don’t care.

We’ve spent years building a connection with these characters. We wanted them to get off the island, then we wanted them to get back on the island, then we wanted them to find each other in time, and so on. To have half of the last season be a glorified dream sequence just takes away all the emotional impact.

Yes, I understand the point of the sideways timeline, it was limbo for them until they all got together and could finally go to the afterlife. So why were things so different in a reality they created? Why were Jinand Sun not married, and just carrying on an affair? Jack’s still a surgeon, only now he was married to someone else and had a son, who didn’t really exist. Sayid and Charlie are even worse characters than they originally were. Locke is a substitute teacher. That seems closer to Hell than limbo.

I can overlook a lot. There were some questions that were never going to be answered, and I’m okay with that. Apparently the island has always been populated by “Others” and a crazy woman, even before Jacob and the Man in Black were born. Gotcha. Walt was special once, but they wrote him off the show because of puberty. Sure. When Jacob said the island was a metaphorical cork that held in the evil of the world, he was actually talking about a real cork.

Yep, think about that. Evil (capital E) is literally held in check by a carrot-shaped piece of rock wedged in the bowels of the island. Take that out, everything goes from shining yellow to angry red.

Whatever. If you say so, Lost.

However, I can’t accept that we’ve wasted half of the last season on an imaginary story. If the sideways timeline didn’t actually exist (in the context of the show, I mean), then none of that was real. It’s like the last season of the Sopranos, and that interminable dream sequence while Tony was in surgery. Not only was there never any real danger for any of the characters, there was also no chance for things to change.

So the sideways timeline was an imaginary place to let everyone catch up, so they could all move on together. Why were some characters special enough to make it to the church, and others weren’t? Juliet, who wasn’t even on the plane, made it I guess because she was connected to Sawyer. Libby, who was in the back of the plane, was there because she kissed Hurley. Ana Lucia and Mr. Eko didn’t get the callback. Michael and Walt? Nope. Desmond and Penny? Yes, even though I don’t remember Penny ever setting foot on the island. Miles helped them get off the island and was in the sideways timeline, but didn’t get an invite to the afterlife. Arnst, Nikki, Paulo? No chance.

Sayid’s one true love was Nadia, and when she was killed, he gave up on life and became an assassin for Ben. Nadia didn’t make the finale, so instead Sayid will spend eternity shacking up with superficial tart Shannon.

Sorry, I just can’t buy it. When Sayid shook off whatever had possessed him, and sacrificed himself on the sub, that meant something. Jin and Sun’s last moment together was absolutely heartbreaking because it meant something. The characters had been real to us for years, and their sacrifice touched us.

In retrospect, a season watching Ben and Locke as high school teachers seems like a waste of time.

Reid Kerr is comforted by the fact that on Jimmy Kimmel last night, most of the cast didn’t know what happened either.

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