The Worst Songs…Ever

Posted by admin - 30/06/10 at 06:06 am

There’s an internet list that periodically goes around listing, in great detail, the worst songs of all time. Here’s the list of my personal all-time favorite awful songs.

One caveat, though. Quite often, these kind of lists just become chances to bash songs that once were popular. Nobody thinks “Ice Ice Baby” or “Achy Breaky Heart” were songs that would stand the test of time. They came, they sucked, they sold millions, they were gone, and we were all embarrassed about liking it for a little while. Don’t get preachy about how bad they were when they were disposable in the first place.

For example, Hanson’s “Mmm-Bop”. Nobody wants to relive Hanson’s three weeks of popularity, true, but that has to be one of the best pop song hooks I’ve ever heard. Don’t hate something just because it’s popular. Unless it sucks.

Here’s my quick rules. No cover songs. Generally speaking, no country, rap, or anything else that’s supposed to be stupid in the first place.

Reid’s Worst Songs Of All Time

Elton John – “Your Song”
“If I was a sculptor/but then again, no”
Then why even mention it? You know, Mr. Taupin, there’s something on the other end of your pencil called an eraser. And if you don’t like a line, you can just erase it. Or even just scratch it out. You don’t have to actually have to keep it in the final draft of the song.

Steve Miller Band – “Take The Money And Run”
“Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas/You know he knows just exactly what the facts is/He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice/He makes his livin’ off of the people’s taxes”
If Billy Shakespeare had murdered rhyme schemes like Steve Miller did, every Lit class would be two weeks shorter.

Paul Simon – “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”
“Just slip out the back, Jack/Make a new plan, Stan/You don’t need to be coy, Roy”
I’m a big fan of Paul Simon, and I think most of this song is really well-written. But the laundry list of rhyming names just makes me cringe. Just shut the fuck up, Buck.

Wang Chung – “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”
“Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Chung tonight”
Not only was this song a complete turnaround from their other songs (“Dancing Days”, “To Live And Die In LA”), it also breaks my #1 rock and roll rule. Don’t name check your own band in one of your songs.

Def Leppard – “Let’s Get Rocked”
“He said mow the lawn/Walk the dog/Take out the trash/Tidy your room/Sorry dad, gotta disappear/Let’s get the rock out of here”
This is my rock and roll rule #2. Don’t sing about being in school or your dad hassling you if you’re in your thirties. This also applies to Stray Cats “She’s Sexy & 17”, and Extreme’s “Mutha (Don’t Want To Go To School Today)”.

Like Steely Dan said, never go back to your old school.

Ram Jam – “Black Betty”
No lyrics need to be included here. It’s got harmonized guitar solos, a drum break, and the refrain “bam-a-lam.” What more could you have for an over-the-top 70’s song?

Huey Lewis & The News – “Walking On A Thin Line”
“Taught me how to shoot to kill/A specialist with a deadly skill/A skill I needed to have to be a survivor/It’s over now or so they say/Well, sometimes, it don’t turn out that way/Cause your never the same when you’ve been under fire”
Huey led the 80’s with inoffensive pop music that was only occasionally ripped off by Ray Parker Jr. So why not get socially conscious once in a while, and do a song about the plight of Vietnam vets? This is the equivalent of Rage Against The Machine covering “My Humps.”

Beach Boys – “Kokomo”
“Aruba, Jamaica, Ooh I want to take you”
Bad to start with, but after Natalie Hollowell, just creepy.

John Mayer – “Your Body Is A Wonderland”
“Your body is a wonderland/Your body is a wonder aarrccg grgg gllgg hands”
What? Huh? Enunciate, dammit!

Young MC – “Bust A Move”
“Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/In five days from now he’s gonna marry/He’s hopin’ you can make it there if you can/’Cause in the ceremony you’ll be the best man”
This is so vague, it always throws me off. Who’s getting married? Is it your best friend Harry, or is brother Larry? If it’s Larry, why would you be his best man, when your best friend isn’t Larry, it’s his brother? And if it’s Harry, why wouldn’t he choose his brother Larry for his best man?

There are far far too many others to list as dishonorable mentions, but I’d love to hear your own favorites.

— Reid Kerr is one poor correspondent, I’ve been way too hard too find.

5 Responses to “The Worst Songs…Ever”

  1. Reid About It » Blog Archive » The Worst Songs…Ever | arubalives says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    […] body is a wonder aarrccg grgg gllgg hands” What? Huh? … Originally posted here: Reid About It » Blog Archive » The Worst Songs…Ever Share and […]

  2. Strawberry Fields says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Arthur’s Theme by Christopher Cross…that nasally “Caught between the moon and NYC” grrrr!

  3. Pegdub says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    No name-checking?? Tell it to Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.

  4. Travis R. says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 12:19 am

    The Police’s otherwise classic album Synchronicity has a song on it called “Mother” that is about as welcome as a turd in a punchbowl. It’s got wailing. It’s got shrieking. And in 7/4 time. Do not listen to it while pregnant or operating heavy machinery.

  5. A Writer Is Inside Of You. says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 10:28 am

    […] Reid About It » Blog Archive » The Worst Songs…Ever […]

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