Upsized My Head

Posted by admin - 16/07/10 at 09:07 am

Whatever happened to just making a purchase? I recently bought a computer at a major electronics store, and I was subjected to no less than eight attempts to upsize my already-considerable purchase before I could get out of the store.

Giant Electronics Emporium Kid: Alright sir, there’s the price on your laptop. Would you like to fill out a charge card application while you’re here?
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Do you have one of our store loyalty cards?
Me: No. Bill O’Reilly told me not to pledge my allegiance to anything except the flag and his TV show.
GEEK: Okay sir, the extended warranty for this will only be $250.
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Well, if you have to replace the battery in this, it’ll cost you two hundred dollars. The warranty would pay for that.
Me: Doesn’t it come with a warranty?
GEEK: Yes, but it’s only a year. And it doesn’t cover the battery.
Me: Why the Hell not?
GEEK: Because it doesn’t. So there.
Me: No thanks. If the battery runs out in the first year, I’m going to come back here, jam the computer up somebody’s ass, and start downloading gay porn on it. And I’ll be looking for you, junior.
GEEK: Fine. It will only cost $150 for our GEEK GANG to install the new super deluxe software package.
Me: No thanks. I believe too much software is the problem I have with my computer now, that’s why it takes a fortnight to boot up.
GEEK: Would you like to be a part of our True Rewards system? For $10, you get 10% off all purchases excluding printer ink, and you get 10% of your grand total refunded to you in the form of a gift card at the end of the year. And with what you’re spending today, you’d already make $30 in “Big Geek Cash.”
Me: No.
GEEK: No? But that…that doesn’t make any sense.
Me: No. You just gave me too many numbers to think about. That’s something that sounds like a good idea, but paying you an extra ten bucks to send me a card that I will probably lose is not in my best interests. Besides, it’s taken you so long to check me out for this simple purchase, my frequent flier miles have expired. I no longer care about anything except getting out of the front door.
GEEK: Yes sir, that’s why we swiped your card first. Now, even if you leave, you’ll have to wait in line for a refund.
Me: Grrr.
GEEK: Would you like our GEEK GANG to install that network for you?
Me: Let me guess, that’s extra too?
GEEK: It’s only $75 today with the purchase of the router.
Me: Can I think about it?
GEEK: Nope. If you don’t give me your answer in the next eleven seconds, the price goes up to $225, and you’ll have to make an appointment with them.
Me: Uh…I…
GEEK: They’re currently backed up until mid-October.
Me: I don’t think…
GEEK: Three seconds.
Me: Hmmm.
GEEK: Too late. That installation plan is now $495, and requires a deposit, a key to your house, and an overnight stay.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Certainly sir. Just as soon as you fill out a GEEK GANG holiday rewards plan application, and we tell you about our new buyer protection plans.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Would you like a hot apple pie with this laptop?

Is it too much just to want to make a purchase for the price indicated on the tag, and be able to leave?

— Reid Kerr thinks there can only be one “Best Buy,” and it was probably the Louisiana Purchase.

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