Cleaning Tips For The Lazy, Like Me

Posted by admin - 26/08/10 at 08:08 am

For two years, I lived in an apartment the size of a prison cell. My apartment was so small, you could stand in the middle and touch both sides of it, although you certainly wouldn’t want to without a tetanus shot.

However, one good thing about living somewhere small enough to qualify as a P.O. box was that cleaning was a breeze, and not just for the fact that you can clean the walls with the spray from the kitchen faucet.

Here’s a few easy cleaning tips, all inspired from desperation.

  • If you have a small kitchen, it may be best to not waste counter space on appliances. It may be prudent to outsource your toast.
  • Stains in the microwave are easy to loosen up. First, cook a wet sponge on high for two minutes, then wipe the microwave down thoroughly and place a plate of bacon in there. Because, you know, bacon’s really good and cleaning makes you hungry.
  • Whatever that is in on the bottom of the oven, it can be treated with a mixture of baking soda and water. If not, it’s best to move and never speak of it again.
  • If your dryer doesn’t vent outside, place a tub of water underneath the exhaust to catch the lint. If your washer doesn’t vent outside, you should probably buy some flippers and a snorkel.
  • Lipstick on clothing can be removed with petroleum jelly, vegetable shortening, or by hiring a higher class of prostitute.
  • To clean a George Foreman Grill, wet a paper towel and put it inside the grill for a half hour while it cools. To clean George Foreman, scrub him vigorously behind the ears with a loofah and let him air dry.
  • Clean your rings with toothpaste and a toothbrush. It will make both your rings and your teeth much shinier.
  • To get rid of bathroom odors in the short term, place an opened box of baking soda behind the toilet. In the long term, stop eating more than a pound of red meat and taking a year’s worth of Sports Illustrated into the john at a time.
  • If a child has drawn on your walls in crayon, it can be removed with WD-40. Barring that, you can always put a frame around it and pretend the little bugger was being cute.
  • To remove cat hair, wrap a piece of tape around your fingers and pat down your shirt or blouse. Then, wrap the cat in the remainder of the tape and deposit him on the back porch.
  • Instead of paper towels, clean your windows with crumpled up newspaper funnies. The leftover angst from “Peanuts” will keep your glass shiny and gleaming.

— Reid Kerr is lean, mean, and clean, although really not any of those.

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