Home Despot

Posted by admin - 31/08/10 at 08:08 am

As I wrote last week, I bought my house about two years ago. It was a fun process, in the same way that most long drawn-out painful expensive processes are. It was like passing a stone that you’ll be paying for for the next twenty years.

At the time, I was under the impression the market was down, and sellers would be bending over backwards to get us to purchase their houses. All I heard from the news is how bad the market was, and that people were running screaming from their houses and tossing their keys to anybody with fifty bucks and cabfare, and how there hadn’t been this many houses for sale since the day after the final plague in Egypt.

Yeah, that was a load of hooey. The houses I saw were either accompanied by an astonishing amount of pride in the price tag, or a frightening amount of lack of attention to detail, cleanliness, and hygiene. It’s like some of these houses were maintained by color-blind trolls.

Again, here’s some tips I gleaned from the process. Every one of these pictures was taken during my great house-hunt.

If your room is painted in non-traditional colors like, say, green and purple, you might want to run a coat of off white across it before you open the doors to strangers. If not, you might think about including in the disclosure that one room is painted like a clown, or perhaps a cartoon duck.


A pool should be a selling point for a house. However, whoever is responsible for the house (owner/realtor/bank/squatter/whatever) should on occasion, drop by and pour a couple of chemicals into the water. Otherwise, it very quickly turns into something that looks like it should be home to reptilian humanoid creatures, hungering for human flesh.


I know you want to show off your furniture, but pay attention to how you arrange them. I look at this picture of the gas range set up on the bar right next to the purple chair, and all I can imagine is Uncle Leo’s hairpiece catching fire in Christmas Vacation.


If there’s something big with the house that will probably be noticed eventually, such as, say, a big freakin’ tarp covering a hole in the roof, it’s best to mention that up front. A little advance notice will keep me from abandoning hope and sprinting out of your backyard.


Bear in mind your choice of decor will influence opinions. What your child may think of as a canopy might lead a prospective buyer to forever associate that room with mosquito netting.

— Reid Kerr is in the house.

One Response to “Home Despot”

  1. Len Schaffert says:
    February 23rd, 2011 at 8:58 am

    My associate and I really enjoyed reading this weblog post, I used to be simply itching to know do you trade featured posts? I’m all the time looking for someone to make trades with and merely thought I’d ask.

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