An Open Letter To My Cat

Posted by admin - 14/09/10 at 08:09 am

I’ll freely admit it, I’m a dog person. Having a cat has been a new experience for me, and while I certainly do enjoy your softness and companionship, taking you in has raised some questions.

I’m unfamiliar with cats, are you supposed to sleep 32 hours a day? I worry about you to the point where I’m considering bringing home mice from the pet shop just to see if you’ll wake up.

In the stores, there are all sorts of toys and climbing materials for cats. Why don’t you ever do anything like that? I bought you a jingly toy and you just looked at me like I was an idiot. Is there anything else I can bring home you might enjoy, like a rubber mouse or a Rubic’s Cube?

After a few weeks of having to sweep a half-mile radius around your litter box, I get it. You need a bigger place to poop. I’ll take care of it. How an animal so finicky she barely eats can lay more poop than a rabid wolverine, I’ll never know, but I’ll keep sweeping.

You know those pointy things on your front feet? You should probably be aware you can retract those any time you want to. When you get them stuck in the couch, or the blanket, or the carpet, you don’t have to sit there pulling and flopping like you’ve been glued to the ground.

Thank you so much for the cameo appearance you put in every night in my bed. Each night as I lay down and you hop on the bed, I feel so warmed by your love and devotion. Then thirty seconds later when you climb out from under my loving hands, jump down and run off, I wonder why I couldn’t get the cat from the commercials.

I assure you, I really enjoy scratching you behind your ears in that spot you like. However, your insistence on laying down two inches away from my reach just baffles me. I’m used to dogs, which are veritable fountains of attention and affection, so I apologize if I’m not reading your signals correctly.

I should also assure you I have learned my lesson, and will not attempt to whistle for you or snap my fingers to get you to “come” ever again.

— Reid Kerr doesn’t understand why the foot of the bed isn’t good enough for a cat.

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