As Seen On TV, Always

Posted by admin - 02/09/10 at 08:09 am

Catching up on some television over the weekend, I think I’ve hit upon why real life is so frustrating. There are things that happen all the time on television that just don’t happen to us in real life.

Cars Exploding – I’ve mentioned this one before, but cars explode on every single cop and detective show on TV. Every week, a dozen cars go up in a giant fireball. I’ve never seen one, not even once. I feel like I’ve been gypped.

People Angrily Leaving a Restaurant Without Eating – This happens a lot, especially in romantic comedies. there’s a meal, the food is served, and then someone gets upset and storms out. I don’t think I’ve ever been angry enough to leave without eating. And for that matter, who’s paying for that meal? I don’t care how angry you get during the appetizer, most maitre d’ are instructed to tackle you if you try to leave without paying for that prime rib you ordered.

Overturning A Table – Here’s another one. I’ve been waiting for somebody to get in an argument and flip a table ever since I saw Duran Duran’s “Rio” video. Doesn’t happen in real life, at least not on purpose.

Phone Manners – Nobody ever says “good-bye” on the phone. They just hang up and walk off. I can’t help but imagine the person on the other end of that call saying “Hello? Hello? Why, you rude bastard!”

Paternity Tests – I’ve never known anybody who needed one except Anna Nicole Smith, but there’s one a month on soap operas. And also, every paternity test is wrong. Every single one is compromised. No soap opera fan was surprised when OJ was acquitted,because they’re used to things always being wrong.

Haircuts – No one every gets a haircut in an episode, nor does anyone’s hair ever change from episode to episode unless it’s a plot point.

Groceries in Paper Bags – I know as viewers, we have to see that somebody’s bought groceries. Apparently we’re too stupid to know that unless we see the characters walking in with the same type of grocery-carrying-apparatus that June Cleaver used forty years ago. To heck with recycling.

— Reid Kerr likes the old TV shows where Andy Griffith, Fred Flintstone, and Granny Clampett smoked.

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