Death To The Morning Zoo Crew

Posted by admin - 13/09/10 at 07:09 am

I detest morning DJs.

Okay, detest may not be the best word, but loathe just falls short. Everybody thinks their favorite radio guy is different. There’s always two guys, one of them usually named after an animal (“Cooter & The Weasel,” “Bubba & The Big Dog,” “Willie & The Wombat”). The sidekick guy is in charge of the wacky voices and those oh-so-funny prank phone calls. There’s a minority voice of reason, usually a woman or a black guy, that in some cases is the only actual funny person on the show. Finally, there’s an intern who is always pushed into going out and doing stupid, quasi-dangerous bits at local businesses.

They do those crazy contests that involve people embarrassing themselves, and they’re always reading surveys from Cosmo on the air trying to get women to call in and tell them dirty stuff. Anytime anybody says something even remotely funny, there’s streams of laughter like Fonzie just said “Ayy!”

As much as anything else, morning DJs are responsible for the rise of satellite radio. The only thing worse than listening to a Clear Channel “modern rock” playlist sponsored by The New AT&T is listening to it get interrupted by Skeeter and the Dog Boy try and talk housewives into telling them if they’ve ever diddled the gardener, Desperate Housewives style.

These are also the same guys who put their own faces on billboards to show how funny they are. You’re riding around in town, and there’s a big airbrushed picture of nobody you could ever recognize, trying to get you to tune into their morning zoo crew show.

“Ooooh! Turn it to 107.3! They have a racially balanced morning show where one of the guys has a funny nickname. I’ll bet he’s hilarious. And there’s a woman, too, and they all look like they’re having a good time, standing there on the billboard. That must be what comedy looks like.”

They should have to put up a real list of what you’re going to experience when you tune in.

“Catch The Morning Riot on 93.7 With Jim-Bob & The Love Porcupine! They’ll read Cosmo for you! Stupid, repetitive sound effects! Pre-planned unfunny bits! Quasi-racist jokes! Live drop-ins from housewives! Dated political humor! Guests you’ve never heard of, and contests that might kill you!”

— Reid Kerr prefers to listen to the sounds of the voices in his head.

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