Walmart: A Children’s Story

Posted by admin - 17/09/10 at 07:09 am

Hey kids! Look at what we get to do! We get to wait in line at Wal-Mart! It’s just like the time Daddy took you to Six Flags, only at the end of the line we don’t get to ride the roller coaster, we only get to walk out into a barely-lit parking lot with no security.

“But Daddy,” you say, “isn’t that line the ‘Express’ line you always talk about, the one that’s supposed to be super-duper quick and fast?”

Ha-HA! Good one, kids.

Here is where the next line is. Can you see it? No?

That’s because it’s all the way at the other end of the store, so far away you’d need to ride one of those Harry Potter brooms to reach it. But those people headed down there are falling for an old trick, just watch! That exit of Wal-Mart is closed after ten o’clock.

Ha! Imagine their faces when they have to walk to the other end of the store to check out, then realize they have to walk all the way back up here to get out! Won’t that be fun? Please don’t repeat any of the words they say, kids.

This is the woman who works at the register right next to the one where we’re waiting. Doesn’t she look happy? Happy happy happy. She should be happy because she’s taking her break, and will not deal with us no matter how long the lines are. Don’t worry, she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, kiddies. It’s not just you.

When we leave here, we’re going to take an international vacation, and Daddy’s going to have some pancakes.

— Reid Kerr parks in the gardening section, because it’s easier to leave from there.

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