Posted by admin - 31/01/11 at 05:01 am

Longtime readers of my stuff know what a fan of bad movies I am. I’ve seen the full run of Friday the 13th movies, and pride myself in having seen a fine array of movies that include lots of explosions and murders before the opening credits. I saw something the other night so unexpectedly bad, I had to add it to the list. Time for…

Reid Watches It So You Don’t Have To:
Repo Men

In my defense, this movie was on cable. The way I look at it, I didn’t pay a dime for it directly, so at least I’ve got that going for me.

Good Lord, what an awful, awful movie. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker play repo men, who work repossessing organs.

In the future, Rent-A-Center doesn’t rent you a TV for the Super Bowl and then come get it the next month, they rent you a kidney or heart, and then come kill you when you let up on the payments.

Future technology is quirky, I suppose. They can come up with easy-to-install cyborg artificial hearts, but don’t bother putting a Lowjack on them so they can be tracked or shut off when the person stops paying the bills.

Logic aside, this movie starts as a black comedy about futuristic repo men. Law and Whitaker have an obvious Jules and Vincent Pulp Fiction quality to them, but then the movie takes a hard left turn. Law gets hurt on a job, and finds himself a target.

By the way, there are spoilers in this column. Boo hoo. To ruin the joys of a movie, the movie has to have joy to start with. If I could tell you the big twist ending of Saw 16, I would.

From there, it’s about a half hour of ultra-depressing dystopic futuristic scenery, as Law lives like the crack head of tomorrow. After that, he becomes a super-ninja, taking down scores of other repo men in his quest to do…something. It’s never really defined. There’s a finale where two characters jam a UPC scanner inside each other in a friendly way, a few random murders, a giant kung fu and knives battle, a lightning-fast dispatch of Liev Schreiber, and a happy ending.

Except it’s not. It’s a fake-out. We’ve been waiting for some kind of resolution for ninety minutes, while two actors who speak incomprehensible English try and explain what’s going on, and then at the end it doesn’t matter because the movie actually ended forty-five minutes before the last scene.

I hate, hate, hate movies where we’re forced to watch scenes that don’t actually happen. That kind of crap didn’t work when they needed to pad out the last season of the Sopranos, and it doesn’t work anywhere else, either.

Let me count the ways, Joe-Bob style. Bad acting. Accents that render dialog useless. Sudden ninja-fu, where a character who’s never been a great hand-to-hand combatant is suddenly unbeatable. Dream sequence lasting longer than two minutes. Questionable plot resolution. Dropped musical subplot. Obvious plot twist. Jude Law.

Zero stars.

— Reid Kerr would rather watch be forced to watch “According To Jim.”

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