The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLV Timeline: the Freeze and The Cheese

Posted by admin - 07/02/11 at 03:02 pm

Super Bowl XLV: The Freeze and The Cheese

Tuesday – An unseasonal ice storm hits Dallas, as in response to Jerry Jones doing a great job of setting up Super Bowl XLV, Hell freezes over.

Sunday, 5:23 – Christina Aguilera sings the national anthem. Apparently she doesn’t know what a “rampart” is, so she just skips over it. Remix!

5:31pm – New Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders flips the coin, then snatches it out of the air to return it for a touchdown.

5:35pm – Super Bowl XLV gets underway, brought to us by beer, trucks, movies that haven’t even finished filming yet, and Jerry Jones.

5:37pm – Green Bay’s Tramon Williams muffs a punt, which he recovers. Why is this the only instance where you can safely use the word “muff” as a verb? If I drop a can of Pepsi Max, I don’t “muff” it.

5:42pm – Joe “The Human Wikipedia” Buck takes advantage of a brief lull to run down Aaron Rodgers resume from birth until that afternoon, including his birthplace, parentage, hobbies, blood type, astrological sign, turn-ons, and allergies. Rodgers responds by throwing an incomplete pass.

5:50pm – Doritos runs a commercial where a person crazed for the chip sucks someone’s fingers, and then rips the pants off another. Really, Doritos? In a Super Bowl with Ben Roethlisberger, you decide to make the theme of your ads “unwanted advances?”

5:55pm – Joe Buck says the Black Eyed Peas have promised “something spectacular” for the halftime show. Considering they’re already known for strange hair, explosive shows, and occasionally peeing on themselves, this could be anything.

5:57pm –  A commercial airs for a movie featuring The Rock and Vin Deisel, thus proving they are not actually the same person.

5:59pm – A crowd shot shows Alex Rodriguez with Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn. As if Dallas needed more of a reason to hate A-Rod, he’s back in town, the Texas Rangers still owe him money, and he has movie stars hand-feeding him.

6:00pm – Jordy Nelson scores the first touchdown of the game. If anyone had “white guy” in your office pools, you are a winner.

6:07pm – Nick Collins gets an interception for a touchdown, as Ben Roethlisberger makes the worst decision of his life not involving alcohol. Or women. Or motorcycles.

6:15pm – Ben Roethlisberger appears to injure his knee, then runs for eighteen yards and a first down. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler misses an offseason workout with a hangnail.

6:25pm – We  get a commercial for another Transformers movie, this one with 50% more explosions, and 100% less Megan Fox.

6:32pm – A Coke ad airs, just for those of you who have never heard of Coca-Cola.

6:36pm – Joe Buck describes Pittsburgh’s offensive line as giving Ben Roethlisberger a “nice pocket,” which certainly sounds like a pickup line that might work in a bar in Milledgeville, Georgia.

6:40pm – A commercial for “Super 8” airs, brought to you by Steven Speilberg and JJ Abrams, which assures that the movie will be both awesome and incomprehensible.

6:45pm – Greg Jennings catches a touchdown. Apparently most of the Steelers defense is touring the JFK exhibit at West End, perhaps they’ll arrive in time for the second half.

6:49pm – An ad airs where they try and sell us a car that gets on Facebook. If you’re on a first date, and you need to either check or update your Facebook status mere moments after the date ends, you might be a stalker.

6:56pm – The Steelers get a touchdown from Hines Ward. In a marketing tie-in, the extra point is held by Sue Sylvester from “Glee.”

7:09pm – The Black Eyed Peas descend from the skies to start the halftime show, brought to you by Bridgetone tires, leather, and Auto-Tune.

7:12pm – Dressed in leather light-up Tron suits, the Black Eyed Peas halftime show appears to be what movies in the 70s thought the future was going to look like.

7:13pm – Fergie sings “Sweet Child Of Mine” with Slash, from Guns N’ Roses. Somewhere, Axl Rose is crying.

7:17pm – Usher stages a hostile takeover of the halftime show. Why do I get the feeling that Jerry Jones is counting every single person on the field at halftime in the total Super Bowl attendance?

7:26pm – Halftime ends. Fox shows us a scoreboard graphic just to remind us who’s playing.

7:30pm – The second half begins, brought to you by Charles Woodson’s collarbone. With a forty-five second injury report to start the third quarter, perhaps an 18-game schedule isn’t the best idea.

7:35pm – The Packers go three-and-out with two penalties, then commit another one on the punt. Love those half-hour, momentum killing halftimes. If you’ve got time to read “Walden” in the locker room between quarters, perhaps the NFL should ask the halftime performer to wrap it up a mite quicker.

8:00pm – Steelers kicker Shaun Suisham misses so badly, his kick is ruled a foul ball at The Ballpark at Arlington.

8:02pm – Chrysler airs a commercial with Eminem. The theme? “We’re Detroit. We suck. Buy our car anyway, it’s all we’ve got left.”

8:10pm – And now, time for something really stupid, as Packer Tramon Williams punches a guy on a punt he wasn’t even going to cover.

8:24pm – Joe Buck tells us to go online and vote for the MVP of the Super Bowl. Right now, that’s the kid in the Darth Vader costume.

8:42pm – Mike Wallace scores a touchdown for the Steelers. Morley Safer adds the two-point conversion to make the score 28-25.

8:50pm – Commercial break. Best beaver commercial? Bridgestone Tires. Worst? Go Daddy.

8:56pm – Green Bay gets a field goal to make the lead 31-25. Ben Roethlisberger’s beard asks for a trade.

9:08pm – The Green Bay Packers celebrate their Super Bowl win, with quarterback Aaron Rodgers as the MVP. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Please Brett Favre, don’t take this as a personal challenge.”

— Reid Kerr would not have paid $200 to watch the Super Bowl outside.

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