Dodgin’ The Draft 2011: Cam Gets CashPosted by admin - 29/04/11 at 01:04 am
Monday, April 25 – In the midst of the lockout, the NFL prepares for their annual Draft. That means as players are drafted, the only NFL-related thing they can do is walk across the stage, shake Roger Goodell’s hand, and then sue the league.
Tuesday – A judge lifts the lockout, and NFL players show up at their training facilities only to find the owners have locked up the weight rooms. Hearing that NFL players don’t have to work out anymore, Jamarcus Russell plans a comeback.
Thursday, 4:30pm (Central Time) – Under armed guard, Mel Kiper Draft Expert’s hair arrives at the 2011 Draft.
7:00pm – ESPN’s coverage of the draft begins with a three-minute rundown on all the changes in the NFL due to the legal situation, followed by an announcement that another legal decision tomorrow will probably make all of them irrelevant. It’s sort of like announcing the rules before a professional wrestling match.
7:04pm – The 2011 NFL Draft begins, as Commissioner Goodell welcomes everyone. The football crowd responds by booing him so loudly, it sounds like a Charlie Sheen show.
7:05pm – With the first pick in the draft, Carolina selects quarterback Cam Newton. On instinct, Cam’s father Cecil then tells Carolina it’ll take $200,000 for Cam to put on the Panthers hat for photos.
7:11pm – ESPN’s Ed Werder reports that the Denver Broncos were dead last in the league in all defensive categories last year. Werder looks very comfortable being inside, since he normally reports from either the Hoth-like frozen tundra outside the Vikings practice facility or Brett Favre’s high school.
7:15pm – The Broncos take an emotional Von Miller, who walks on stage and gives Roger Goodell a huge hug. Which is very strange, since Miller is already suing the league. It’s like Kevin Smith hugging Southwest Airlines.
7:19pm – Denver selects Marcell Dareus, and ESPN’s Jon Gruden points out that Dareus can play three positions in the Bills defense. Since Buffalo hasn’t been to the playoffs since Pierce Brosnan was James Bond, it might help if Dareus could play all of them at once.
7:37pm – Atlanta selects Julio Jones, and ESPN responds by letting Jon Gruden show a two-minute anti-highlight reel of him dropping passes. American Idol could really use Gruden as a judge this season.
7:42pm – In spite of their ofensive problems, San Francisco takes defensive end Aldon Smith. I guess the 49ers figured since they already have two first-round draft picks on their roster at quarterback and they both suck, perhaps that’s not the right place to look for them.
7:44pm – Bay area fans cheer, as they have realized with no first round pick and a lockout preventing trades, it is impossible for the Oakland Raiders to pick up a disappointing player tonight.
7:45pm – Tennessee selects quarteback Jake Locker. Jon Gruden says he reminds him of a “young Rich Gannon,” which hasn’t occurred since roughly 1968.
7:47pm – With the ninth pick, the Dallas Cowboys look into trading down. Jerry Jones seriously considers swapping the pick for a pair of tickets to the royal wedding and a 1989 Ford Escort.
8:00pm – Washington trades their pick to Jacksonville, who drafts a quarterback. The Redskins immediately file a protest with the league, claiming they “didn’t know you could do that.”
8:16pm – Vikings take Christian Ponder, giving them a rookie and a converted wide receiver at quarterback. Somewhere Brett Favre wakes from his nap, throws off his Snuggie, and calls to tell Ed Werder that he’s headed down to the local high school to get warmed up again.
8:32pm – ESPN shows Alabama running back Mark Ingram, and Suzy Kolber tells a story about Mark Ingram Sr., who is in prison for money laundering and bank fraud, and actually got an extra two years for jumping bail to see his son play football. Kolber says she has a letter from him to his son she’ll pass along later. ESPN seems awfully proud of playing prison messenger here. Is this a deal that was bartered with cartons of cigarettes, I wonder?
9:02pm – The New York Giants select cornerback Prince Amukamara. Donald Trump promptly holds a press conference, demanding to see Amukamara’s birth certificate.
9:21pm – Browns running back Peyton Hillis, who just beat out Michael Vick for the cover of the new Madden Football game, announces the Browns pick. If three years ago you correctly predicted the hottest video game in the country would feature either that guy who’s in prison, or a white fullback who was a seventh round draft pick, you should immediately go to Vegas.
10:00pm – In a marketing tie-in, the Baltimore Ravens draft Thor.
10:09pm – The dastardly New England Patriots trade with the New Orleans Saints, who pick running back Mark Ingram. Bill Belichick picks up two more draft picks, three new hoodies, a new spy video camera, and a crapload of leftover Mardi Gras beads.
10:17pm – Suzy Kolber reads the letter from jailbound Mark Ingram Sr. to his newly drafted son, which reults in tears. Just as everyone at ESPN expected, and has been waiting all night to make happen. Somehow ESPN holds “Jailed Money Launderer” in the same esteem as “Fallen Soldier.”
10:37pm – The Green Bay Packers close the first round by selecting Derek Sherrod. Coaches all over the league scramble to get a binder full of plays into the hands of their new players before a judge rules to reinstate the lockout, and slaps a cone of silence down over the entire league. Carolina faces a special challenge in numbering their playbook.
— Reid Kerr misses Steve Young on the draft broadcast, because it always looked like Tom Jackson was about to slap him.