Today’s HoroscopesPosted by admin - 23/05/11 at 02:05 pm
Aries: You will become acquainted with a handsome stranger on a long journey. However, he will take you as a hostage, so dress comfortably.
Taurus: Your moon is in the seventh house, but your husband is in the neighbor’s bedroom. Call an attorney.
Gemini: Self-examination is the key to growth. You will come to the realization most of the people in your “Friends & Family” plan don’t like you.
Cancer: Reply hazy, try again.
Leo: Communication is very important. Spend the day creating your own language.
Virgo: Beware the man who smells like ham.
Libra: Your lifeline appears to dead end into a large tree. Perhaps you should walk to work.
Scorpio: Your financial future seems bleak. Withdraw your money from the stock market and invest heavily in “McRibs.”
Sagittarius: You will have the kind of day that would scare the crap out of Stephen King.
Capricorn: The future is hazy. It seems like a penguin will steal your wallet on a crosstown bus, but that might be a celestial typo.
Aquarius: The universe is unusually specific. Tina Yothers will attempt to murder you with a waffle iron.
Pisces: Check your pockets for fried chicken before leaving for work, and beware of any detour that takes you near the dog pound.
— Reid Kerr only knows about horoscopes from Hair.