Today’s Horoscopes

Posted by admin - 23/05/11 at 02:05 pm

Aries: You will become acquainted with a handsome stranger on a long journey. However, he will take you as a hostage, so dress comfortably.

Taurus: Your moon is in the seventh house, but your husband is in the neighbor’s bedroom. Call an attorney.

Gemini: Self-examination is the key to growth. You will come to the realization most of the people in your “Friends & Family” plan don’t like you.

Cancer: Reply hazy, try again.

Leo: Communication is very important. Spend the day creating your own language.

Virgo: Beware the man who smells like ham.

Libra: Your lifeline appears to dead end into a large tree. Perhaps you should walk to work.

Scorpio: Your financial future seems bleak. Withdraw your money from the stock market and invest heavily in “McRibs.”

Sagittarius: You will have the kind of day that would scare the crap out of Stephen King.

Capricorn: The future is hazy. It seems like a penguin will steal your wallet on a crosstown bus, but that might be a celestial typo.

Aquarius: The universe is unusually specific. Tina Yothers will attempt to murder you with a waffle iron.

Pisces: Check your pockets for fried chicken before leaving for work, and beware of any detour that takes you near the dog pound.

— Reid Kerr only knows about horoscopes from Hair.

2 Responses to “Today’s Horoscopes”

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    September 24th, 2010 at 3:50 pm

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