Romance, Porn, and the Great Divide

Posted by admin - 30/07/11 at 06:07 am

Oh, no! They're bickering! How will they ever realize they're in love?

Why aren’t we happy in our relationships anymore? Why is the divorce rate so high?

I blame the modern day unrealistic expectations, myself.

My long-standing theory has been that as bad as pornography is for men and their expectations of adult relationships, romantic comedies and romance novels are worse for women. Both create an image of the way things should be in a relationship, and both are almost completely false.

Quick example. I love the commercial where the guy on a bus sees a pretty girl riding another bus, then whips out his phone to change his ticket so he can meet her. Wonderful. Now, two total strangers with nothing in common but superficial attraction have derailed their days and locked themselves into a city bus in hopes of finding something to talk about with a pretty person.

Her: “Hi there. I was on my way to a pro-choice rally, and had to stop to talk to you.”
Him: “Hey you. I’m an abortion clinic bomber. Wanna grab a coffee?”

There was a movie out a few years ago with Diane Lane and John Cusack as two people who couldn’t find anyone to go out with, and wound up together. Think of the special effects it would take to make you believe that Diane Lane and John Cusack would be sitting around their houses on Saturday night playing Scrabble because they have trouble finding dates.

Yeah, if these two people can't get laid, there's no hope for the rest of us.

Reality For Guys:
— The pizza delivery girl is not going to let you tip her with hot loving.
— In the hospital, “head nurse” is a title awarded solely on seniority and nursing skill.
— When your girlfriend invites a friend over to the house, you are the only one in the house thinking what you’re thinking.
— Real-life lesbians do not wear lingerie. They wear loose-fitting flannel to sleep in. And they don’t care at all that you’d love to see them make out, don’t even bother to ask.

Reality For Women:
— Pirates were not nice guys. They had leathery skin and smelled of fish constantly.
— Castles were dark, damp places that permanently smelled of old food and piss. And I’ll tell you right now, British people and proper dental care go together like fish and deserts. Any fantasy you have of being taken by the Lord of a Manor, downgrade immediately.
— A guy who loves you enough to stand at the end of your driveway with a radio over his head, blaring your song at 3am, is not a sweet, lovable imp. He’s a stalker, and the next step is him breaking into your house and boiling your bunny.
— For that matter, whenever you see something in a movie that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you think “I wish I had someone like that,” stop a moment. If the guy doing the sweet thing didn’t look like John Cusack, and looked more like Andy Dick, would it still be something desireable?

— Reid Kerr is always disappointed when he shops for a mattress, and the saleswoman doesn’t offer a tryout.

2 Responses to “Romance, Porn, and the Great Divide”

  1. Porn, Romance, & The Great Divide | Project Shanks.com says:
    March 16th, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    […] “Things to learn: The pizza delivery girl is not going to let you tip her with hot loving.” […]

  2. Adios, Tyler | Reid About It says:
    October 11th, 2013 at 12:05 am

    […] two (2) vasectomies. Or the bloody children’s underwear. Or my battle against a spammer. Or the real difference between men and women, and romance and porn. Or my vacation to Cincy, or to Tijuana, or my Super Bowl timeline and NFL Draft columns, […]

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