NFL: My AFC Predictions

Posted by admin - 09/09/11 at 02:09 am

AFC East

New England (14-2) – With the addition of Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth, Bill Belichick has officially gone from “acquiring talent” to “dumpster diving.”

New York (13-3) – The Jets signed Plaxico Burress in the offseason, which is good news for Jets fans. Statistically speaking, Burress is much more likely to shoot someone else than he is to shoot himself a second time.

Miami (7-9) – The Dolphins have committed to quarterback Chad Henne, which has to be a bit of a surprise considering they benched him twice during the final game of last season. That’s a relationship that goes past dysfunctional and into abusive.

Buffalo (4-12) – Chan Gailey says he expects the Bills to go undefeated this season, showing his inspirational spirit. Yes, that’s the kind of spirit you normally see from guys living under overpasses muttering to themselves and wearing bunny slippers.

AFC North

Pittsburgh (13-3) – Statistically speaking, Ben Roethlisberger was more efficient and less rapey than the previous season.

Baltimore (12-4) – Over the last two years, the Ravens have had as many offensive linemen make the Pro Bowl as they’ve had have Oscar-nominated movies based on their lives.

Cleveland (7-9) – New defensive coordinator Dick Jauron plans to take the Browns into a 4-3 defense, which is much better than the 5-11 defense they’ve run for the previous two years.

Cincinnati (3-13) – The Bengals will start rookie Andy Dalton at quarterback, after refusing to negotiate with or trade Carson Palmer. Or release him. Or even strip him down for parts.

AFC South

Houston (10-6) – With their vastly improved defense, the Texans hope to lose no more than three games in the final two minutes this season.

Indianapolis (7-9) – Without quarterback Peyton Manning, the Colts will learn what it’s like to be…well, the Colts, anytime before 1998.

Jacksonville (6-10) – The Jaguars cut star quarterback David Gerrard in the offseason, thus making them the “Two-And-A-Half Men” of Florida.

Tennessee (4-12) – Somehow Bud Adams oversaw an argument between his coach and his quarterback in the offseason, and lost both without getting anything for either one. If Adams were a pro poker player, his nickname would be “The Patsy.”

AFC West

San Diego (10-6) – The Chargers special teams last season were the wrong kind of “special.” Rather than risk punting, look for them to try and Fed Ex the ball downfield.

Kansas City (9-7) – The Chiefs ran the ball better than any other team in the league last season, which is quite fortunate because most of their wide receivers are actually in the Witness Relocation Program.

Oakland (6-10) – The Raiders “Committment To Mediocrity” finally paid off, as they reached 8-8 last season. Al Davis quickly sprang into action, firing his coach and losing his best defensive player.

Denver (3-13) – Tim Tebow is renowed as a natural leader, which makes the way he’s accidentally tearing this Broncos team apart the very definition of irony.

Divisional Champs: New England, Pittsburgh, Houston, San Diego
Wild Cards: NY Jets, Baltimore
AFC Champ: New England

Super Bowl Pick: Green Bay over New England

For my NFC picks, click here.

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