General Holiday Well Wishes And Whatnot

Posted by admin - 15/12/11 at 01:12 pm

It seems that these days some people get upset when you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” Because, you know, that’s what Jesus would have done. He loved people getting pissy on his birthday.

I’ll admit it. I usually say “Happy Holidays” for a variety of reasons, and please note none of them is to verbally urinate on anyone else’s beliefs.

I say “Happy Holidays” because I’m lazy, and I don’t want to have to remember to switch to the next holiday.

I say “Happy Holidays” because I don’t really mean it, and I only want to tell you one big lie, and then you hand me my hamburger and I walk away.

I say “Happy Holidays” because I don’t want to offend Christians because true Christians shouldn’t get rip-roaring, knee-walking, commode-hugging drunk for New Years, and thus don’t have much fun. Ergo I don’t want to mention it specifically, and bring them down.

I say “Happy Holidays” because quite often, people who demand that you mention Christmas specifically are also screaming racists, and will be upset when I mention Kwanzaa.

I say “Happy Holidays” because those same people have the same reaction to Hanukkah.

I say “Happy Holidays” because Christmas is a religious holiday in the same way that the Super Bowl is a football game. It may have started that way, but now that’s only a small part of the event.

I say “Happy Holidays” because there’s no need to be specific. I’m not going to delve into the background of the guy handing me my Chick-Fil-A sandwich, and try and figure out if he’s Christian, Jew, or Muslim. “Happy Holidays” covers all backgrounds. Hell, even atheists appreciate it, because they get the day off work.

To my Christian friends, merry Christmas.

For my Jewish friends, happy Hanukkah.

My African-American friends, have an enlightening Kwanzaa.

To my Canadian friends, have a great Boxing Day, eh?

For my OCD friends, good Hand Washing Awareness week to you.

My musically experimental friends, enjoy your two December parties celebrating the birth and death of Frank Zappa.

To my friends who work at Chick-Fil-A, enjoy your regularly scheduled day off.

For my Atheist friends, have a good Sunday.

And to all of my agnostic friends…whatever, dudes.

— Reid Kerr just wants the jingle bells in his head to stop.

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