The Christmas Newsletter

Posted by admin - 20/12/11 at 06:12 am

Hope all is well with you! Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Chaddrick finally got his promotion this year! After starting off ten long years ago as a mailroom intern, Chaddrick has worked his way up to mailroom co-supervisor! We’re all proud of him, and the extra money he brings home is plenty enough to finally let him stop selling blood three times a week.

With his promotion, I was able to make the transition from self-employed exotic dancer to happy stay-at-home mom. However, after a little while I really missed the gals at work! I went back to work part-time, I only work weekends and an occasional weekday when the Shriners are in town.

Fitzpatrick is doing well, he’s currently a senior at Missapeakwa Community College majoring in Apathetic Anthropology. His lawsuit involving the misspelling of that extensive back tattoo (“MOOM”) is still taking longer than it should, but he feels that if he can just get an audience with a judge and show him, and explain he doesn’t know anyone by that name, it’ll be settled quickly.

We hope you’ll continue to pray for our idiot son, Jeffrey, who is once again a guest of the state. Jeffery was caught sharing crystal meth with a circus geek, and violated his parole. He is taking advantage of the opportunity to expand his horizons, though, and is taking correspondence courses in Ice Cream Truck repair.

No one could be prouder than the two of us that our youngest, Leia, has finally found religion. She joined the church from Channel 39, the Southern Sword Of Jericho Gospel Assembly And Jamboree, and she can be seen on Sunday mornings playing tamborine in the band! (And she was never even musical before, I know!) Leia moved out of the bus station and into the church, where she’s working as a “Special Assistant” to Pastor Billy Joe Don Dupree. She says he’s super nice, and is very “hands on” in bringing her to the Lord. He works in mighty ways!

Our niece Hildy has done very well for herself! Hildy was accepted to the West Side College For Incompehensible Interprative Dance. Hildy’s signature piece, “Ponderings On Man’s Inhumanity To Plants,” was very well received by the board, and they were able to open their doors for her as soon as she cleared up the chili stains on her high school transcript.

Grandma Tanner is still alive and kicking, and rowdier than ever! She’s staying out at Shady Daze Nursing Home again, after serving 60 days in county for Breaking and Entering of a Bloodmobile. She’s met a wonderful man out there. I don’t remember his name, but he’s the one who insists he’s Kaiser Wilhelm. He’s so sweet!

Glad tidings of comfort and joy to all this holiday season!

— Reid Kerr thinks the Twelve Days of Christmas should be downsized for the economy and besides, giving someone drummers is a crappy gift.

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