The Bigger-est Loser

Posted by admin - 16/01/12 at 04:01 am

You pretty much abandon all hope if you can eat this.

It’s long been my theory that most of the pages of diet books are either blank, or just gibberish towards the back of them. It doesn’t seem like anyone ever actually finishes a diet anyway, why bother writing something for pages 220-250 of the latest edition of  “Eat Your Way To A Swimsuit Body With Prunes, Lettuce, and Leeches!”

I’ve rejected diets for most of my life, in favor of just eating like a rabid wolverine. I have enough red meat in my colon to classify me as “foodstuff” in most Central American countries.

As my life stretched on, I started to realize that perhaps my eating philosophy of “No leftovers, no survivors” was starting to wear on me, and so last year I made my first eating adjustment of my life.

I was at 235 last summer.

That’s in pounds, by the way. If you’re Canadian, I have no idea how to translate that into Kilos, or Hectacres, or Shatners, or whatever the metric system was of putting it would be. 

I started using Visalus Nutrtition shakes. Not to give you the big sales pitch on these here, just shoot me a FB message or tweet if you want more information. With the shakes, I was able to get it down to 210, which is lighter than I’ve been in almost ten years.

I stayed at 210-215 for a couple of months, but the holidays came, and I had to live at a basketball gym for three days working at the scorer’s table, and my eating habits devolved back into “eat whatever you find, and eat a lot of it.”

Don't I look sad, while my daughter looks happy, and airborne?

For example, one day I ate an entire bag of dinner from a place called “Weinerland.” That place doesn’t exactly have a diet menu. I think asking them for a low-fat option might cause them to drag you out of your car window and kick the crap out of you, then force you to swallow one of their “Jumbo Fatass Dogs” whole.

Anyway, I let go for a little while. I returned to eating like a puma, and some of the weight came back.

As of today, Monday January the 16th, I’m back at 225 pounds.

I’m doing one of those “Biggest Loser” style contests with some online friends of mine, so hopefully that’ll keep me going. A little accountability is always good. Our government should really try that one of these days. We’re doing so through the “Lose It” app, so hopefully we’ll lose weight while gaining bandwidth.

My goal weight is 200 pounds, which is not out of the ballpark for a man of my age and height. I’m picking 200 because not only is it a nice round number, but that’s also the maximum weight to go to the mall and get on their “Zero G Trampolines,” which are those trampolines with the bungee cords attached. My daughter is twelve, and she loves those.

My goal is to crack 200, then head to the mall and get my jump on. Wish me luck.

— Reid Kerr hasn’t been on a trampoline since the great “Tackle The Man With The Football…Off The Trampoline To The Ground Below” game of 1983.

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