Live Blogging the Grammy Awards, 2012

Posted by admin - 13/02/12 at 03:02 pm

7:00pm – Bruce Springsteen kicks off the show with a song called “We Take Care Of Our Own,” which is then immediately co-opted by both political parties for the 2012 election.

7:40pm – Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson perform in what appears to be a giant clock.

8:00pm – Rhianna appears, apparently disguised as Tina Turner. I guess that’s so Chris Brown can’t find her.

8:05pm – Coldplay performs…uh…all their songs. I cant tell them apart. Coldplay is for people who like U2, but think their lyrics aren’t vague enough.

8:09pm – Chipotle wins the award for the…most…whatever the Hell that commercial was. An effective commercial shouldn’t make you confused more than three times in one spot.

8:15pm – We get a Beach Boys tribute from Maroon 5, and then from Foster the People. Why FtP? I think they won a contest. I’ll give them credit for dressing the part.

8:17pm – A rare appearane for Adam Levine wearing a shirt. Or possibly a tattoo of a shirt, I’m not sure.

8:19pm – It has to be professionally terrifying to sing with the Beach Boys. They’ve been doing the same four-part harmonies for fifty years. There’s not much room there.

8:28pm – Commercial. Wiz Khalifa…for Bing. Yeah, that’s the dream for every inner-city youth. “I wanna get off the streets. I want a gold record. I want a mansion. And I want to endorse a search engine.”

8:32pm – Stevie Wonder introduces Paul McCartney with the words no one ever wants to hear. “Here with his new song…”

8:34pm – Paul McCartney with Joe Walsh playing guitar for him. Why? Why the Hell not?

8:37pm – El DeBarge is up for a Grammy. Wait, what?

8:41pm – Okay, so now Taylor Swift is apparently onstage performing at Open Mic night at the Pigeon Holler Cafe.

8:43pm – I can’t wait for Taylor Swift to have her first kiss, so she can do a double-CD concept album about it.

8:53pm – Katy Perry is performing. No, she’s not! Now she’s above us! Look out! Behind you!

8:56pm – The real Katy Perry appears. She’s dressed like she’s going to be fighting Supergirl in next month’s comic.

9:18pm – A tribute to Glen Campbell, with him performing.

“Hey, Glen? We’re going to do a tribute to you at the Grammys, okay?”

“Great! What time should I be there?”

“Uh…we can do it without you.”

“Screw that! If you’re singing my songs, I’m going to be on stage so everybody knows whose record to go out and buy.”

“Glenn, nobody’s bought a record in…ah, never mind. Be there by five.”

9:28pm – Tony Bennett and Carrie Underwood perform. I love it when the Grammys pair up two people who really have no idea who the other one is.

9:37pm – The president of the something-or-other comes out to make us feel guilty about something.

9:43pm – Jennifer Hudson stepped into the toughest situation imaginable, and just absolutely owned the moment.

9:50pm – Chris Brown reappears, now dressing directly out of Run DMC’s closet.

9:54pm – David Guetta, showing that a white guy who doesn’t sing and looks like Dirk Nowitzki can still have a dozen hit songs.

9:58pm – Deadmau5 performs, confusing anyone over the age of nineteen who is not curently on Ecstacy. Deadmau5 appears to be either a carnival ride, or some kind of Clockwork-Orange-style cult.

10:05pm – Well, the Grammys are already running over. Let’s watch a Nicky Minaj remake of “The Exorcist” for a while. Maybe next, she’ll reenact “Turner And Hooch.”

10:07pm – This “Roman” person Nicky Minaj keeps singing about…is that her? Is it her Sasha Fierce? Or worse yet, her Chris Gaines?

10:20pm – Adele wins the Grammy for best.

— Reid Kerr thinks it wouldn’t kill Paul McCartney to let Ringo on stage every great once in a while.

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