The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLVI Timeline: Occupy End Zone

Posted by admin - 06/02/12 at 12:02 am

Your unofficial official timeline for Super Bowl XLVI:

Noon, Central Standard Time – Super Bowl pregame coverage begins, brought to you by trucks, beer, pizza, and Peyton Manning’s neck.

5:00pm – Faith Hill kicks off the broadcast wearing a pair of silver pants so tight, we’re all glad Hank Williams Jr. no longer has this gig.

5:02pm – Al Michaels welcomes us to the Super Bowl broadcast, thus ignoring the previous five straight hours of coverage on NBC.

5:13pm – For the second straight year, Adrien Brody shows up in a Super Bowl commercial, this time for a razor. Let that be a warning to everyone to enjoy the moment. It’s a quick trip back down from Oscars and Super Bowls back down to commercials and boat show autograph signings.

5:18pm – Kelly Clarkson sings the National Anthem. After Christina Aguilera screwed up the anthem last year, I guess NBC couldn’t trust it to anyone from “The Voice,” and had to go back to “American Idol.”

5:26pm – In a crossover tie-in at midfield, Paula Dean comes out to flip the ceremonial butter-soaked flapjack.

5:27pm – Michele Tafoya gives the last pre-Super Bowl interview with Eli Manning, where he is so non-committal, he rises four points in the Republican polls.

5:31pm – Super Bowl Kickoff, brought to you by the Rocky theme song, another Borat-style movie, and McDonalds. Just in case you’ve never heard of McDonalds.

5:38pm – Bill Belichick unveils his new blitz plan, which apparently involves pressure up the middle while simultaneously poking Eli Manning on Facebook. Giants punt.

5:41pm – The Patriots first play results in a safety, which results in some very happy people who’ve made obscure bets in Vegas.

5:43pm – A Pepsi commercial advocates the violent overthrow of Elton John, and the return of Pepsi to the general public.

5:48pm – Eli Manning hits tight end “Bear” Pascoe for a first down, where he’s tackled by Weasel McGillicuty, Skunk Baker, and Muskox McGee.

5:50pm – The Patriots give up a first down on a play where they’re also flagged for having twelve men on the field, which is like cheating on your taxes and still owing money.

5:51pm – Victor Cruz scores, and makes his case to be on next season’s Dancing With The Stars.

5:53pm – For the first time, the Super Bowl features full frontal candy nudity. Where’s the outrage?

5:57pmChevy runs a commercial where four guys driving Chevy trucks survive the Mayan Apocalypse, and gather to eat Twinkies. “Looks like we made it,” one says. Not unless you guys can find a woman who was driving a Chevy, no, you haven’t.’s annual Super Bowl commercial airs, walking that fine line between bad softcore porn, and embarrassingly bad softcore porn.

6:03pmBattleship, the Movie. I can’t wait for the sequel, when to repel the alien invasion we must…Connect Four.

6:20pm – A new Coca-Cola commercial airs, and although it was awfully cute watching the polar bear slide across the ice for a minute, dropping and picking up his Coke the whole way, when he actually opened the bottle, that thing should have gone off like a geyser.

6:36pm – A Teleflora ad airs, implying that if you give your wife or girlfriend flowers, they’ll have sex with you. Which I think is what we define as “prostitution.”

6:47pm – Patriots score to take a 10-9 lead going into halftime, assuming we all survive Madonna’s show.

7:01pm – The halftime show begins, brought to you by Madonna, Bridgestone tires, and the cast of “300,” but gayer.

7:07pm – Madonna is joined by LMFAO, Cee Lo Green, MIA, and Nicky Minaj, who is dressed like a Japanese sex robot.

7:20pm – Our second half starts, and Tom Brady continues his string of eleven hundred passes without an incompletion. Patriots go up 17-9.

7:39pm – A Fiat commercial airs where a woman seduces a man, yet she’s actually a car. That confuses me. I don’t want a car that gives me an erection, then leaves.

7:49pm – While speculating on a possible shoulder injury for Tom Brady, Chris Collinsworth says they “won’t speculate on the injury.” Then they continue to speculate for another ten minutes.

8:03pm – Tom Brady throws an interception, which may be the apocalypse the Mayans were referring to.

8:07pm – Matthew Broderick reprises his Ferris Bueller character in a commercial. Sadly, Bueller’s high school principal doesn’t make an appearance. Probably because it’s hard to sneak up on someone when you’re required to announce your presence as a sex offender everywhere you go.

8:18pm – In a promotional tie-in, refs make a non-call on a Patriots pass interference penalty, and blame it on the ghosts from “Paranormal Activity 3.”

8:21pm – Motley Crue appear in a car commercial, apparently from a company that never Wikipedia’d singer Vince Neil to see if he had any vehicular manslaughter charges in his past. Here’s another tip, Madison Avenue. Don’t hire Tommy Lee to do spots for your swimming pools, either.

8:41pm – Donald Trump endorses the New England Patriots for Super Bowl Champions.

8:44pm – Ahmad Bradshaw becomes the first player in Super Bowl history to score an accidental game-winning touchdown.

8:52pm – The ball falls to the end zone turf in Indianapolis, and the Giants win 21-17. Sixty-five year-old Tom Coughlin gets a Gatorade shower, which in any other context might be a hate crime.

9:30pm – On NBC’s “The Voice,” concerns about Peyton Manning’s neck keep him from being picked by Cee Lo Green, who elects to draft a new singer.

— Reid Kerr thinks God might not answer prayers from Gisele, but he certainly does from Bridget Moynahan.

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