Reid In The Testing Grounds

Posted by admin - 09/04/12 at 05:04 am

I found myself in a situation recently where I had to take a standardized test. I was applying for a position, and found out that I had taken the SATs too long ago for them to still be relevant. Apparently when I took the SATs, they asked me questions about reading, math, fire, and wheel. I needed to be tested on newer subjects like text messaging, low-slung pants, and internet porn.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t a bear of very little brain, so I saddled up and went down to my local junior college. I was able to sign up for a standardized test in a few minutes, and away I went.

When I was in high school, the SATs were a big deal. You had to send off to sign up months in advance, show up early, show ID to prove you were really you and not some rented Asian kid, etc.

Now, you just sign up online, show up at your local college, and sit down. Much easier.

Sitting next to me was a girl of about eighteen. She was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, which exposed most of her back. It also showed off her enormous garish four-color tattoo of a heart encircled with names which stretched from shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

She was there taking a test to be certified as…wait for it…an elementary school teacher.

Children are our future, indeed. I wasn’t even aware there was a “Kindergarten Teachers Gone Wild” line of video tapes.

I did pretty well on the test. A lot of the english questions had to do with writing something the correct way, which is tricky. As you can tell, I often write my sentences in a non-traditional manner to get my point across. For example, the correct way to write a sentence might be “Sarah Palin resigned her official duties as Governor of Alaska,” while I might write “…poop shoes.” Both are correct.

As for the math, it’s funny what you carry with you from school. I don’t know the cosine of anything. All I know about that is with a cosine, you can get a car loan. The only tangents I know are irrelevant.

Once you’ve left school and you realize how very little cause there ever is to utilize algebra, you feel pretty gyped by it. It’s like they taught us how to churn butter, or shoe a mule or something.

— Reid Kerr is qualified to teach, which is scary.

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