To Dream the Impossible Clean

Posted by admin - 20/11/12 at 01:11 am

If you need instructions this specific, just lick yourself clean and please don’t touch my food.

Little things bother me. They cause me to question why they exist, and that can get troublesome.

Here’s an example from a local Mexican restaurant bathroom. The sign reads…

“EMPLOYEE HAND WASH…All employees must wash their hands before leaving this bathroom. All handwash methods require using soap with vigorous motions and water to later and rinse.”

See? That’s something terrifying I had never considered before. All these years I thought “Employees Must Wash Hands” said it all. It never dawned on me that our educational system might be falling down on the job in teaching people to clean themselves.

The circumstances that led to this restaurant putting up this sign are a bit stomach-churning, too. Did the manager see Dingo the waiter go into the bathroom and drop a deuce, then just wave his hands under the faucet, wipe his hands on his pants, and get right back to slinging nachos? And was I eating there that day? I’ll tell you, if I was there the day they put that sign up, I might just go home and check into the toilet with a couple of months’ worth of Sports Illustrated, assuming I was going to be there for a while.

And why the sign? Why go public with your scatological failings? To me, that indicates a clear communication problem in management. Just sit the guy down and tell him to scrub up. There’s no need for a sign. And really, if the kid can’t get washing his hands together, I’m not sure posting a sign is going to help.

You shouldn’t have to call an employee training session just to get somebody to fathom the concept of lathering up.

“Hey, Jimbo? Yeah, I need you to come in early this Saturday. Employee training day, and all that. I need you here at eight a-m sharp, I’m going to send you into that bathroom with a bar of Lava. Don’t come out until you’ve got it right, son. And don’t be afraid to ask someone to double-check your work. There’s no room for error there.”

“What? Drying your hands off? Slow down, boy. One thing at a time. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Concentrate on zipping up and washing off first…we’ll handle the rest in the advanced class.”

Perhaps you should just show him nature videos of a raccoon washing his paws in a river, and he might get the hint.

— Reid Kerr hates the electric eye faucets at Walmart that require you to pretty much rub your hands on the sink.

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