Resolver: How I Spent My New Year’s Eve 2012

Posted by admin - 01/01/13 at 08:01 pm

Abandon hope, all ye who begin the year here.

Welcome to the new year, everybody. My 2012 was quite a mixed bag, but I’m really hoping for more from 2013. To make sure of that, I spent the stroke of midnight in a Walmart.

Yep, killing myself seemed too easy of a way to start things off, so instead when the ball dropped, I was smack dab in the middle of a “People Of Walmart” moment. But I went there on purpose to establish something important.

No matter what happens to me in 2013, I have to hope it’s a step up from that initial moment I spent in Walmart, standing in line behind a morbidly obese woman in Tweety Bird sweatshirt buying a roll of Copenhagen.

Best wishes to all in 2013. Here are my official New Year’s Resolutions for 2013.

  • Don’t die. I should probably put this one at the top of the list.
  • Stop plugging everything I’m involved with, like the horror anthology “Fresh Blood and Old Bones,” featuring my black comedy short story “The Exorcist’s Best Friend.” Or my award-winning work at Project Shanks.com, where my “Living Against the Spread” series details my hilariously pocket-emptying first try at gambling on sports. Yeah, stop plugging things like that.
  • Wake up every day by at least 7pm.
  • Lose twenty pounds, without amputation.
  • Go back to school to finish my athletic management degree, so I can achieve my lifelong goal of becoming a professional wrestling referee.
  • Form a band, then make them let Yoko sing.
  • Suffer fools even less gladly.
  • Dance like nobody is watching, and by that I mean without pants.
  • See Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers live again. It’s a Hell of a show.
  • Learn to believe it’s not butter.
  • Start working out, or at least start watching The Workout Channel.
  • Examine “Fun Runs,” and see how such a contradictory thing can be possible.
  • Do some standup comedy again, because Brandon and Tyler make it look like so much fun.
  • Drink more.
  • Learn a foreign language, or invent one, whichever is easier.
  • Enjoy the good times, because they make the bad times bearable. And enjoy the bad times because without them, you wouldn’t know what the good times feel like. Don’t live in the grey. Rejoice and suffer, and feel every moment.
  • Be Zen, yo.
  • Challenge myself mentally every day, because I’m losing my mind.
  • Have the body I’ve always wanted, even if I have to collect the parts through mail-order and assemble them in my basement.
  • Write every day, even if it’s just crap like this.

— Reid Kerr wishes you’d have a happier 2013.

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