The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLVIII Timeline: Give It Away, Now

Posted by admin - 02/02/14 at 10:02 pm

My unofficial official Super Bowl XLVIII Timeline:

6:00am, Central Standard Time, Super Bowl Sunday – Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, which means six more years of losing seasons for the Cleveland Browns.

5:03pm – In the pregame, FOX’s broadcast team discusses the best ways to beat Peyton Manning. Number one on their list? “Play against him in a Super Bowl.”

5:18pm – Both teams are introduced by a leather-skinned Kurt Russell, who played Snake Plissken in “Escape From New York.” Just to remind everyone of what a great image New York has on film, I guess.

5:21pm – Renee Fleming sings the National Anthem. Knowshon Moreno does not cry. The oddsmakers take a beating again.

5:28pm – The coin flip is made by Super Bowl III MVP Joe Namath, who appears to be wearing the pelt of Sasquatch.

5:30pm – The Super Bowl begins, brought to you by Rob Riggle, and also James Franco as Rob Riggle. And possibly Joe Buck as Rob Riggle, too. And fantasy football, of course.

5:33pm – Denver takes the opening kickoff. In a marketing tie-in, Trindon Holliday is brought down by Daft Punk.

5:34pm – On the first play, the center snap sails over Peyton Manning’s head, making the first score of the game a safety. People who like to make weird longshot wagers rush right out to buy a boat with their winnings.

5:42pm – Seahawks coach Pete Carroll challenges the spot on a run by Russell Wilson. Since it’s the Super Bowl, Carroll initiates the challenge by driving a Maserati to midfield and throwing out a cold bottle of Bud Light. Seattle goes up 5-0.

5:50pm – Seattle somehow gets a late hit penalty on a kick that goes out of the back of the end zone, which is like getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty during the halftime show.

6:07pm – A Seattle field goal makes it 8-0. This week’s stats for Marshawn Lynch so far, 5 carries, 6 yards, 7 words spoken.

6:12pm – So far, Denver’s offensive possessions have ended in a safety, a three-and-out, and an interception. The Broncos offense is running so poorly, it’s like we’re trying to log onto it and get health care.

6:24pm – Seattle leads 15-0. John Elway begins to warm up and take snaps on the sideline for Denver.

6:29pm – Our long national nightmare ends, as Denver gets their initial first down of the game.

6:32pm – Wes Welker catches a pass for a first down. Somewhere near Boston, Bill Belichick swears and throws his shoe at the television.

6:38pm – Peyton Manning’s arm gets hit as he throws and Seattle runs the interception back for a touchdown and a 22-0 lead. Bruno Mars begins to warm up and take snaps on the sideline for Denver.

6:54pm – Denver’s next possession ends in a fourth-down incomplete pass, and the Broncos wind up shut out in the first half. Seattle has gone six quarters against the Manning family in Metlife Stadium without giving up a point.

7:09pm – The halftime show begins, and so does America’s favorite activity, complaining about the halftime show.

7:10pm – Bruno Mars starts the halftime show with a drum solo. Because there’s nothing casual music fans love more than a drum solo. Maybe next time he could also do something else most people don’t appreciate, like play kazoo.

7:17pm – The Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Give It Away,” which is not only a classic song, but also apparently the Denver game plan for the first half.

7:22pm – Bruno Mars’ show concludes as Metlife Stadium lights up with fireworks. Apparently they had been saving all of those to celebrate when the Broncos scored, and just decided to go ahead and use them.

7:31pm – The second half begins with the score Seattle 22, Seattle Defense 9, Denver 0.

7:32pm – After the kickoff, the Broncos have now also been outscored by the Seattle special teams. This is a throwback Super Bowl, since the Broncos are playing like an AFC team circa 1985-1997.

7:40pm – Two commercials in, we all realize Tim Tebow is having a much better Super Bowl than Peyton Manning.

7:55pm – Demaryius Thomas turns it over, because…well, it’s been about an hour, so it’s time for that.

8:02pm – Denver’s defense takes a holiday from tackling, and Jermaine Kearse pinballs around to make it 36-0. This game is almost a hate crime.

8:15pm – Denver finally scores, taking an 8-0 lead over the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

8:36pm – FOX brings in Jack Bauer to play quarterback for the Broncos.

– Reid Kerr’s comedy novel, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape,” is now available at Amazon and Barnes &

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