Philly Philly: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl LII Timeline

Posted by admin - 03/02/18 at 11:02 pm

Sunday, January 28, 2018 – The New England Patriots defeat the Jacksonville Something-Or-Others to advance to their 73rd straight Super Bowl. Later on that day, the Philadelphia Eagles beat Minnesota to win the NFC. Philadelphia fans riot in celebration, or perhaps just practicing for later.

Saturday, February 3, 2018 – The Pro Football Hall of Fame announces their inductees for the class of 2018. Terrell Owens finally gets his popcorn ready.

Saturday Night – Eagles coach Doug Pederson gets former teammate Brett Favre to come speak to his team. Favre gives them a pep talk, and also a set of his “Official Brett Favre Nose-Hair Trimmers.”

11:10am, Sunday, February 4th, 2018 – ESPN airs a report suggesting if the Patriots win, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick could both retire tonight in the postgame. NBC quickly corrects the report to indicate both men may “retire to the locker room to watch tonight’s biggest-ever episode of ‘This Is Us,’ only on NBC. PS: Please watch.”

2:00pm – The stadium opens for Super Bowl LII to many delays, as security detains Eagles fans to check for guns, knives, and snow covered batteries.

4:22pm – The Super Bowl pregame show continues with a song from Sting. Because nothing gets your blood pumping and ready for a high-energy football game like a mid-tempo rocker from a 66-year-old.

5:13pm – Red Lobster runs a commercial assuring us their seafood is sustainable. That comes as a great relief to people who show up for Endless Shrimp with the intent of eating the Antarctic Ocean’s worth of seafood.

6:02pm – The pregame ends and official Super Bowl coverage begins, brought to us by TV on the internet, cars that can go from 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds, and Terrell Owens talking trash about pizza.

6:16pm – The NFL finally gives JJ Watt the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award he won six months and 37 million dollars ago.

6:25pm – The Patriots win the coin flip, and are awarded seven points by the NFL.

6:30pm – Super Bowl 52 begins, brought to you by movies about dinosaurs, skyscrapers, and families that have to stay absolutely silent, like football fans in Los Angeles.

6:35pm – Patriots defensive coordinator Matt Patricia is shown with a laminated playsheet and a pencil behind his ear. Since you can’t write on lamination with a pencil, I assume either he doesn’t take notes, or he has a pocket full of crayons.

6:42pm – Philadelphia finishes a long drive with a field goal to lead 3-0. Hall of Famer Ray Lewis is shown on the sidelines, which we can all agree is safer than having him at your Super Bowl party.

6:52pm – New England ties the game up with a field goal. America takes a break for their favorite party snacks like potato skins, chicken wings, and Tide Pods.

6:54pm – Pepsi runs a commercial telling us to stop watching the Super Bowl and go to their website to watch a sneak peak of the halftime show. I can’t imagine NBC is too thrilled with that idea since upon returning to the broadcast, Al Michaels refers to Pepsi as “barrel bottom sputum.”

6:59pm – The Eagles score a quick touchdown. In an NBC marketing tie-in, the play review is done by an official holding a burning Crock Pot.

7:12pm – The Patriots miss a field goal attempt, so the officials only award them two points.

7:19pm – NBC runs a commercial reminding everyone to put extra time on their DVRs tonight. “Watch ‘This Is Us’ after the Super Bowl…on NBC. We’ve got nothing else.”

7:53pm – In a frenzy of scoring, we get four touchdowns but only one extra point, thoroughly throwing off every office pool in the country.

8:02pm – The Eagles prove conclusively that Nick Foles is a better receiver than Tom Brady.

8:05pm – Tide continues to run commercials trying to get us to understand their product is effective, and not edible.

8:12pm – Halftime arrives with the Eagles leading 22-12. Yellowtail runs a commercial reminding us Australia makes good wine, and kangaroos are still a little bit freaky.

8:20pm – Justin Timberlake’s halftime show begins, brought to us by Pepsi, Jimmy Fallon, and the ghost of Janet Jackson’s nipple.

8:29pm – Timberlake plays “I Would Die 4 U” along with a hologram of Prince. Moments later, he gets served a cease-and-desist order from Prince in the afterlife for using his music without permission.

9:00pm – In the second half, everyone in the building believes Eagles running back Corey Clement’s end zone catch was actually an incomplete pass, so of course the NFL rules it as a touchdown. Because if there’s one thing the 2017 season was about, it was impossible-to-understand catch rules.

9:34pm – Energized by the halftime performance, Rob Gronkowski catches his second touchdown of the second half to give the Patriots their first lead, then goes looking to high-five the giant Prince hologram.

9:50pm – A commercial airs where Hyundai owners walking into the Super Bowl meet cancer survivors whose treatments were paid for in part by the car purchases. As the owner of an Elantra, I feel comfortable saying “No one who owns a Hyundai can afford Super Bowl tickets.”

9:56pm – Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scores a touchdown. Or maybe he doesn’t. But he does! Seriously, NFL. Do you really think it’s good for business to have a four-minute stoppage of play where Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth do nothing except ponder a pass and go in-depth on how confusing the catch rules are?

10:02pm – Tom Brady fumbles. Patriots fans immediately start complaining about Jimmy Garoppolo getting traded.

10:18pm – New England’s last pass falls incomplete in the end zone. Philadelphia wins their first ever Super Bowl, 41-33. Eagles fans begin celebrating by overturning police cars, but in a festive manner.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.


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