Reid’s Official Unofficial NFL Draft Timeline 2018: The Fabulous Baker Boy

Posted by admin - 26/04/18 at 11:04 pm

Your official unofficial NFL Draft 2018 Timeline:

March 2018: The NFL announces FOX will cover the first round of the NFL Draft, bringing the event to broadcast TV for the first time. The NFL also allows ESPN to continue their coverage on cable, which is like having your girlfriend break up with you, but still allowing you to come back to her place occasionally and make a sandwich as long as you’re quiet and don’t disturb the new guy.

7:15pm, Thursday, April 26: On their predraft show, ESPN announces definitively that the Browns will take Baker Mayfield with their first pick. Or possibly Sam Darnold. But they can confirm the plan is definitely to draft a mammal of some sort.

8:00pm: NFL Draft coverage begins on FOX, with a simulcast of the NFL Network coverage. Meanwhile in a cost-cutting move, ESPN’s broadcast is offering a four-man booth featuring two reporters, an intern, and a sock puppet that reads tweets.

8:06pm: For the first time since his six-game suspension of Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell appears before the Dallas crowd. He brings Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, and Jason Witten with him. The crowd still greets him like a case of recurring anal warts.

8:07pm: The Cleveland Browns go on the clock with the first pick, just like last year. And next year. The Browns select Mayfield. Now a guy who was a two-time walk-on turned into a Heisman Trophy winner gets to see what a real challenge is like.

8:22pm: The New York Giants resist the urge to draft a quarterback and select running back Saquon Barkley. Somewhere, Eli Manning pulls out his reading glasses to see who his team has selected, nods approvingly, and changes the channel back to a rerun of “NCIS.”

8:27pm: FOX’s coverage goes live to the New York Jets draft room, which features one guy on the phone and everyone else standing around like it’s the world’s most awkward dinner party.

8:29pm: The Jets take USC quarterback Sam Darnold. Rick Eisen points out the last time the Jets took a quarterback in the top five, it was Mark Sanchez. Somewhere, current Jets quarterback Josh McCown realizes he may never get to retire.

8:38pm: With their second pick in the top four, the Browns take Denzel Ward, which is greeted with shock from the crowd, both broadcast teams, and fans everywhere, as people are surprised at the decision-making abilities of a team that hasn’t won a game since before Christmas of 2016.

8:45pm: The Broncos select Bradley Chubb, who analyst Mike Mayock describes as having “violent hands.” Based on that evidence, Roger Goodell makes a mental note to suspend Chubb for six games as soon as possible.

8:47pm: Seeing their top projected offensive lineman still on the board, the Colts sprint to the podium to select Quinton Nelson. However, since it’s Indianapolis, it still takes them a while.

8:50pm: Facebook runs a commercial during the draft, that basically says “Sorry, we thought you wouldn’t mind being sold to Russian bots. Our bad.”

8:55pm: Tampa Bay trades their pick to Buffalo, and the Bills select Josh Allen, who promptly sets fire to his Twitter account.

9:00pm: With FOX’s coverage on broadcast TV, ESPN’s coverage of the next hour of the draft is brought to us by Shasta Cola, Munchos potato chips, and “Shout-Out To Ray Ray, From Pookie.”

9:06pm: San Francisco takes offensive lineman Mike McGlinchey, who sounds like a grizzled old sergeant from a seventies cop show who’s just weeks from retirement. “McGlinchey…he doesn’t play by the rules.”

9:14pm: Arizona trades up to take quarterback Josh Rosen. Somewhere, an angry Sam Bradford tears his ACL while trying to change the TV channel.

9:26pm: Tampa takes Vita Vea, who weighs 347 pounds and runs the forty-yard-dash in 5.1 seconds. Even villains in superhero movies can’t do that.

9:32pm: Goodell smiles as he walks to the podium to announce Washington’s first round pick to the Dallas crowd, because he can finally pretend the booing isn’t for him.

9:36pm: New Orleans trades up, which leads FOX’s broadcast team to spend the next five minutes talking about how potent the Saints will be with quarterback Lamar Jackson. Then the Saints draft defensive end Marcus Davenport because much like McGlinchey, Sean Payton doesn’t play by the rules either.

9:42pm: A commercial airs for a movie with Kevin Costner, who is only good in Westerns and movies about baseball. I see Cowboy hats, so this one looks okay.

9:56pm: While Buffalo and the Chargers make their picks, FOX’s coverage includes an impromptu singing of Rick James’ “Superfreak,” followed by Deion Sanders turning an interview with new Charger Derwin James into a rally for Florida State. Frustrated viewers flip back to ESPN, where onscreen graphics display Mel Kiper Draft Expert’s “Top 5 Sandwiches Still Available.”

10:06pm: Cowboys receivers Drew Pearson and Michael Irvin go out on stage to pump up the crowd, making it a great day for players who wore number 88. As opposed to last week, when it was pretty dicey.

10:13pm: The Cowboys go defense with their pick and select linebacker Leighton Vander Esch as a possible replacement for Sean Lee, who is so injury prone he once pulled his hamstring while pulling his other hamstring.

10:16pm: The Steelers trade Martavis Bryant to Oakland for a third round pick, which is basically slightly better than a bag of dirt.

10:20pm: In a marketing tie in, the Lions pick is made by Thanos.

10:26pm: Cincinnati decides to play it safe and select an offensive lineman, since last year’s wide receiver taken ninth overall had as many receptions as I did.

10:40pm: The Carolina Panthers go on the clock. Embattled Panthers owner Jerry Richardson offers to let ESPN’s Suzy Kolber read the next pick while sitting on his lap.

10:56pm: FOX shows quarterback Lamar Jackson in the waiting room, wearing a green jacket that makes him look like he not only won the Heisman Trophy, but also a Masters.

10:58pm: Atlanta takes receiver Calvin Ridley. FOX goes live to his house in Fort Lauderdale, where a tearful Ridley is surrounded by family and friends, all of whom seem to be Snapchatting videos of themselves with him. That seems like something that should be covered in the next NFL Rookie Symposium, perhaps in a seminar titled “Don’t Buy A House For Anyone Who Ignores You To Take Pictures of Themselves With You.”

11:06pm: Seattle takes running back Rasaad Penny. In a foreshadowing move, new Rams cornerback Aqib Talib runs up and snatches his chain.

11:13pm: Pittsburgh’s selection of Terrell Edmunds is announced by injured linebacker Ryan Shazier, in what is both an inspirational moment and a reminder of how fleeting the health and career of an NFL player can be.

11:14pm: You can go back and reread the last entry, it’s not a joke. Luckily, the next one is.

11:18pm: The Jaguars take a defensive player, since they’re comfortable with an offense geared around a quarterback who averages two yards a pass, and hope to win a lot of 3-2 games.

11:33pm: The night ends with Baltimore trading up to draft Lamar Jackson, bookending the first round with Heisman Trophy winners. The broadcast points out this is the first time since 1999 that five quarterbacks have been taken in the first round. However, no one points out that 1999 draft produced one Super Bowl quarterback, one guy who only looked good when he threw to Randy Moss, and three guys whose careers promptly became clown autopsies, and set their franchises back a decade.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

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