NFL Week Three: Brown Out, Overreactions, and the Week In Picks

Posted by admin - 21/09/18 at 01:09 pm

Our long national nightmare is over. The Cleveland Browns are winners again.

It was just one game, sure. And it was against the Jets, that’s a fair point. But come on, if you’re not entertained by the entire city of Cleveland celebrating like they just won the last battle in “Independence Day,” what more could you want out of life?

For my friends who are Browns fans, congratulations, enjoy your celebrations, and please don’t drive anywhere until you sober up, which will probably be in mid-October.

And for my friends who are Pittsburgh Steelers fans, you are now in sole possession of last place in the AFC North.

OVERREACTING TO THE OVERREACTIONS

After one week of NFL games, the airwaves are awash in overreactions. Now that we’re two weeks in, the pictures start to get a little bit clearer.

After Week One: The Browns are much better.
After Week Two: The Browns MVP this year may be whoever knocked out Tyrod Taylor.

After Week One: The Cowboys made a mistake cutting Dan Bailey.
After Week Two: So did about half the league by not calling him immediately.

After Week One: Tampa QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just had a lucky game.
After Week Two: Fitzpatrick is making us wonder if you can be Comeback Player of the Year even if you never actually went anywhere.

After Week One: We still don’t know what a catch is.
After Week Two: We don’t know what roughing the quarterback is, either.

After Week One: Josh Gordon is back with a touchdown!
After Week Two: Josh Gordon is back with a U-Haul to carry that emotional baggage around.

After Week One: Khalil Mack might be the defensive player of the year again.
After Week Two: Khalil Mack might be a demogorgon.

After Week One: Matt Patricia has already lost control of the Lions.
After Week Two: That, except after two weeks.

After Week One: DeShaun Watson was overrated.
After Week Two: DeShaun Watson has played better, but winning in Houston is like getting snow there. It’s quite rare and never lasts long.

After Week One: The Giants offensive line is bad.
After Week Two: The Giants offensive line is now even worse.

After Week One: Sam Darnold is the rookie of the year.
After Week Two: Sam Darnold is a quarterback for the Jets, and should be judged accordingly.

After Week One: The Bills are the worst team in the league.
After Week Two: The Bills are the worst team in the history of teams.

We’ll reevaluate after week three.

WELCOME ABOARD!

Before we go on, I’d like to give a hearty welcome to our new intern, Jameis Winston.

Winston is serving a three-game suspension and has to watch while Ryan Fitzpatrick turns into a better quarterback, leader, interview subject, and Uber passenger.

Winston did text the Tampa Bay receiving corps after the Eagles game to tell them :Awesome game!” Although I’m sure at least one responded with “New phone, who dis?”

WEEK TWO BEST AND WORST

Best: Patrick Mahomes. And anyone who played him on their fantasy teams last week.

Worst: Every kicker. Every single one of them. Let that be a lesson for Cleveland, you can’t give your kicker Johnny Manziel’s number and expect it to end well.

THE WEEK THREE PICKS:

In week two, I forgot several things I know to be true.
1) The Patriots don’t need to win in September
2) The Giants offensive line is quite offensive.
3) Arizona only competes when their quarterback is over the age of 33.

I went 2-4 last week against the spread and also straight up. After two weeks, I am a paltry 6-7-1, and 5-9 against Vegas. It has to get better this week though, since retiring at halftime isn’t an option for me.

Here’s the picks for this week. As always, these are inspired by research, desperation, and a sincere hatred of the phrase “Pumpkin Spice Anything,” so take them with a grain of salt. As always, no wagering.

Dallas (+1.5) at Seattle: The Cowboys learned last week what the Browns learned Thursday night: Having a home game against a New York team cures a lot of problems.
Pick: Cowboys to win and cover, winning by two or more.

NY Giants (+6) at Houston: One of these teams will be 0-3 and basically out of hope for the season. The other one won’t be that way until next week.
Pick: Texans to win, Giants to cover (which means I think the Texans win by less than six.)

Buffalo (+16.5) at Minnesota: This is the biggest spread of the week because a) the Vikings are very good, and b) the Bills at this point are not so much a football team, and closer to a flash mob all wearing the same colors and just waiting to dance.
Pick: Vikings to win, Bills to cover.

LA Chargers (+7) at LA Rams: The Rams look great, but they start the season with the Raiders and Cardinals. That’s the NFL equivalent of an SEC schedule, starting off the year with home games against Tennessee Body & Fender State and St. Regis’ Home For Clumsy Caucasians.
Pick: Chargers to win it outright.

Chicago (-5.5) at Arizona: Outside of Chicago, the best thing about Khalil Mack’s Bears career so far has been the awkward press conferences for Jon Gruden back in Oakland.
Pick: Bears to win and cover.

Pittsburgh (-1.5) at Tampa Bay: The Buccaneers are suddenly a stable winning franchise, while the Steelers are winless and under fire by two of their own players and a porn star. It’s like these two franchises swapped identities, “Freaky Friday” style.
Pick: Steelers to win and cover.

I’ll also take the Saints to beast the Falcons, the Oakland/Miami game to go under 44.5 points, and the “Roseanne” sequel to last one season. Good luck, everybody.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

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