Dodgin’ The Draft ’05

Posted by admin - 23/04/20 at 01:04 pm
(Originally posted to on 4/23/2005)

Our 2005 NFL Draft timeline:

8:00am, Central Time – Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, begins his day by finishing his newsletter on the fifty highest rated prospects for the next Pope. He describes Pope Benedict XVI as a “Papal steal, with plenty of upside.”

11:00am – ESPN’s coverage of the 2005 NFL Draft begins, featuring six hosts, twelve analysts, three different ESPN networks, a well-dressed Torry Holt auditioning for a broadcasting job, and a reporter standing by at the Michael Jackson trial.

11:05am – NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue informs us that the San Francisco 49ers are on the clock for this year, and probably next year as well.

11:16am – The 49ers select quarterback Alex Smith from Utah.

11:17am – The Miami Dolphins go on the clock, adhering to the draft philosophy “A quarterback…any quarterback.”

11:21am – White smoke from a van in the Dolphins parking lot alerts the media that Ricky Williams has placed his vote for next Pope.

11:25am – Miami selects running back Ronnie Brown of Auburn, leaving Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers still on the board. When ESPN goes to their reporter in the Dolphins war room, the Miami jerseys on the wall behind him are numbered 00, and say “Your Name Here”.

11:30am – With the 3rd pick, the Cleveland Browns once again try and draft LeBron James. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert attempts to fire the entire Browns staff.

11:41am – Tampa Bay selects running back Carnell “Cadillac” Williams, starting a run on players with funny nicknames.

11:52am – Tennessee selects cornerback Adam “Pac-Man” Jones.

12:21pm – Minnesota selects wide receiver Troy “Donkey Kong” Williamson.

12:38pm – Arizona selects cornerback Antrel “Booger” Rolle.

12:52pm – Washington selects Carlos “Please Don’t Make Me Play For The Redskins” Rogers.

1:12pm – ESPN begins to ignore current picks, and concentrate on why Aaron Rodgers has not yet been selected.

1:20pm – For the second draft in a row, Detroit selects a wide receiver named Williams with their first pick. Sunday morning, the Lions staff will realize they’ve been drafting off of last year’s notes.

1:24pm – While discussing the Lions’ quarterback situation, ESPN’s Chris Berman says backup Jeff Garcia has “won at every level he’s been at.” The fact that the two teams he’s played for in the last two years have two of the first three picks in the draft does not come up.

1:27pm – Dallas makes their first selection. Since neither the Jets nor the Giants have a first round pick, New York fans stay in shape by booing the Cowboys.

1:35pm – ESPN goes live to the Chargers War Room, which appears to be in a darkened grotto.

1:37pm – ESPN interviews Aaron Rodgers, and Suzy Kolber reminds him that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was drafted late, too. She does not bring up the wonderful careers of other late-drafted quarterbacks, such as Charlie Batch, Danny Kanell, Stoney Case, or Chris Weinke.

1:42pm – For more analysis, ESPN goes to Trey Wingo, whose name, translated directly from the French, means “very Wingo.”

1:58pm – ESPN reminds us the NFL is going to Mexico this year, with San Francisco and Arizona playing a regular season game in Mexico City for the first time. Experts estimate this move will set international relations back twenty years. The NFL will also open up theaters in Mexico, and only show double features of “Gigli” and “Glitter.”

2:15pm – ESPN officially starts the Aaron Rodgers suicide watch. Rodgers’ mom is shown in the crowd being comforted by Donovan McNabb’s mom, who has brought her a fresh bowl of Chunky Soup.

2:46pm – In a programming coup, ESPN announces it has obtained the rights to “Monday Night Football,” “Desperate Housewives,” and “Meet The Press.”

2:52pm – Back in the ESPNXYZ studios, Andrea Kramer leads a discussion about former Vikings receiver Randy Moss which almost ends up in fistfight between Trent Green and Mike Vrabel. This proves conclusively that Moss is a troublemaker, since he was able to stir up problems on two other teams in the middle of the offseason without even being in the room.

3:06pm – Dallas uses Buffalo’s first round pick. In short, Buffalo gave Dallas a first round pick and Drew Bledsoe, and the Bills still walked away feeling like they got the better end of the deal.

3:30pm – The Oakland Raiders draft a defensive back in the first round for the fourth time in five years. A commercial airs for a new movie called “No Idea,” featuring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon in the story of a man obsessed with the Oakland Raiders draft. The reviews refer to it as “non-start fun.”

3:52pm – Green Bay selects Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers, ending our long national nightmare. Rodgers thanks the Division Champion Packers for selecting him. Rodgers says he has no pressure now, and can progress at his own rate, learn the game behind Brett Favre, and not have to start until he’s ready.

3:53pm – New San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith asks Rodgers if he’d like to swap jerseys with him.

4:09pm – Seattle picks an offensive lineman, in spite of the fact that least year’s receiving corps dropped more balls than a drunken juggler in a centrifuge.

4:42pm – Indianapolis drafts defensive back Marlin Jackson, thus confounding Colts fans who are unfamiliar with the concept of “defense.”

4:20pm – ESPN pitches to another entire network, ESPNU, for more commentary. Coverage will also spill over onto ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, BET, HGTV, Nickelodeon, and the TV Guide channel.

4:51pm – Philadelphia selects defensive tackle Mike Patterson, then sends him over to Terrell Owens’ house to rough him up.

5:02pm – The New England Patriots make their pick, guard Logan Mankins. As has become Boston tradition, Mankins is handed a Red Sox jersey and makes a victory lap around Fenway Park.

5:03pm – The NFL Draft’s longest first round ever finally ends. The ESPN crew breaks for snacks, drinks, and a quick re-oiling of the computer parts of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert’s brain.

9:52pm – Long known as a man who can lead any running back to a thousand yard season, Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan selects Maurice Clarett with the final pick of the third round, thus setting himself up for a risk that would make David Blaine shudder.

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