Philly Philly: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl LII Timeline

3rd February 2018 by admin No Comments

Sunday, January 28, 2018 – The New England Patriots defeat the Jacksonville Something-Or-Others to advance to their 73rd straight Super Bowl. Later on that day, the Philadelphia Eagles beat Minnesota to win the NFC. Philadelphia fans riot in celebration, or perhaps just practicing for later.

Saturday, February 3, 2018 – The Pro Football Hall of Fame announces their inductees for the class of 2018. Terrell Owens finally gets his popcorn ready.

Saturday Night – Eagles coach Doug Pederson gets former teammate Brett Favre to come speak to his team. Favre gives them a pep talk, and also a set of his “Official Brett Favre Nose-Hair Trimmers.”

11:10am, Sunday, February 4th, 2018 – ESPN airs a report suggesting if the Patriots win, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick could both retire tonight in the postgame. NBC quickly corrects the report to indicate both men may “retire to the locker room to watch tonight’s biggest-ever episode of ‘This Is Us,’ only on NBC. PS: Please watch.”

2:00pm – The stadium opens for Super Bowl LII to many delays, as security detains Eagles fans to check for guns, knives, and snow covered batteries.

4:22pm – The Super Bowl pregame show continues with a song from Sting. Because nothing gets your blood pumping and ready for a high-energy football game like a mid-tempo rocker from a 66-year-old.

5:13pm – Red Lobster runs a commercial assuring us their seafood is sustainable. That comes as a great relief to people who show up for Endless Shrimp with the intent of eating the Antarctic Ocean’s worth of seafood.

6:02pm – The pregame ends and official Super Bowl coverage begins, brought to us by TV on the internet, cars that can go from 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds, and Terrell Owens talking trash about pizza.

6:16pm – The NFL finally gives JJ Watt the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award he won six months and 37 million dollars ago.

6:25pm – The Patriots win the coin flip, and are awarded seven points by the NFL.

6:30pm – Super Bowl 52 begins, brought to you by movies about dinosaurs, skyscrapers, and families that have to stay absolutely silent, like football fans in Los Angeles.

6:35pm – Patriots defensive coordinator Matt Patricia is shown with a laminated playsheet and a pencil behind his ear. Since you can’t write on lamination with a pencil, I assume either he doesn’t take notes, or he has a pocket full of crayons.

6:42pm – Philadelphia finishes a long drive with a field goal to lead 3-0. Hall of Famer Ray Lewis is shown on the sidelines, which we can all agree is safer than having him at your Super Bowl party.

6:52pm – New England ties the game up with a field goal. America takes a break for their favorite party snacks like potato skins, chicken wings, and Tide Pods.

6:54pm – Pepsi runs a commercial telling us to stop watching the Super Bowl and go to their website to watch a sneak peak of the halftime show. I can’t imagine NBC is too thrilled with that idea since upon returning to the broadcast, Al Michaels refers to Pepsi as “barrel bottom sputum.”

6:59pm – The Eagles score a quick touchdown. In an NBC marketing tie-in, the play review is done by an official holding a burning Crock Pot.

7:12pm – The Patriots miss a field goal attempt, so the officials only award them two points.

7:19pm – NBC runs a commercial reminding everyone to put extra time on their DVRs tonight. “Watch ‘This Is Us’ after the Super Bowl…on NBC. We’ve got nothing else.”

7:53pm – In a frenzy of scoring, we get four touchdowns but only one extra point, thoroughly throwing off every office pool in the country.

8:02pm – The Eagles prove conclusively that Nick Foles is a better receiver than Tom Brady.

8:05pm – Tide continues to run commercials trying to get us to understand their product is effective, and not edible.

8:12pm – Halftime arrives with the Eagles leading 22-12. Yellowtail runs a commercial reminding us Australia makes good wine, and kangaroos are still a little bit freaky.

8:20pm – Justin Timberlake’s halftime show begins, brought to us by Pepsi, Jimmy Fallon, and the ghost of Janet Jackson’s nipple.

8:29pm – Timberlake plays “I Would Die 4 U” along with a hologram of Prince. Moments later, he gets served a cease-and-desist order from Prince in the afterlife for using his music without permission.

9:00pm – In the second half, everyone in the building believes Eagles running back Corey Clement’s end zone catch was actually an incomplete pass, so of course the NFL rules it as a touchdown. Because if there’s one thing the 2017 season was about, it was impossible-to-understand catch rules.

9:34pm – Energized by the halftime performance, Rob Gronkowski catches his second touchdown of the second half to give the Patriots their first lead, then goes looking to high-five the giant Prince hologram.

9:50pm – A commercial airs where Hyundai owners walking into the Super Bowl meet cancer survivors whose treatments were paid for in part by the car purchases. As the owner of an Elantra, I feel comfortable saying “No one who owns a Hyundai can afford Super Bowl tickets.”

9:56pm – Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scores a touchdown. Or maybe he doesn’t. But he does! Seriously, NFL. Do you really think it’s good for business to have a four-minute stoppage of play where Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth do nothing except ponder a pass and go in-depth on how confusing the catch rules are?

10:02pm – Tom Brady fumbles. Patriots fans immediately start complaining about Jimmy Garoppolo getting traded.

10:18pm – New England’s last pass falls incomplete in the end zone. Philadelphia wins their first ever Super Bowl, 41-33. Eagles fans begin celebrating by overturning police cars, but in a festive manner.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

 



The Great Divide: Romantic Comedies vs. Porn

25th January 2018 by admin No Comments

Oh, no! They’re bickering! How will they ever realize they’re in love?

Why aren’t we happy in our relationships anymore? Why is the divorce rate so high?

I blame our modern-day unrealistic expectations, myself.

My long-standing theory has been that as bad as pornography is for men and their expectations of adult relationships, romantic comedies and romance novels are worse for women. Both create an image of the way things should be in a relationship, and both are almost completely false.

Quick example. I love the commercial where the guy on a bus sees a pretty girl riding another bus, then whips out his phone to change his ticket so he can meet her. Wonderful. Now, two total strangers with nothing in common but superficial attraction have derailed their days and locked themselves into a city bus in hopes of finding something to talk about with a pretty person.

Her: “Hi there. I was on my way to a pro-choice rally, and had to stop to talk to you.”
Him: “Hey you. I’m an abortion clinic bomber. Wanna grab a coffee?”

There was a movie out a few years ago with Diane Lane and John Cusack as two people who couldn’t find anyone to go out with, and wound up together. Think of the special effects it would take to make you believe that Diane Lane and John Cusack would be sitting around their houses on Saturday night playing Scrabble because they have trouble finding dates.

Yeah, if these two people can’t get laid, there’s no hope for the rest of us.

Reality For Guys:
— The pizza delivery girl is not going to let you tip her with hot loving.
— In the hospital, “head nurse” is a title awarded solely on seniority and nursing skill.
— When your girlfriend invites a friend over to the house, you are the only one in the house thinking what you’re thinking.
— Real-life lesbians do not wear lingerie. They wear loose-fitting flannel to sleep in. And they don’t care at all that you’d love to see them make out, don’t even bother to ask.

Reality For Women:
— Pirates were not nice guys. They had leathery skin and smelled of fish constantly.
— Castles were dark, damp places that permanently smelled of old food and piss. And I’ll tell you right now, British people and proper dental care go together like fish and deserts. Any fantasy you have of being taken by the Lord of a Manor, downgrade immediately.
— A guy who loves you enough to stand at the end of your driveway with a radio over his head, blaring your song at 3am, is not a sweet, lovable imp. He’s a stalker, and the next step is him breaking into your house and boiling your bunny.
— For that matter, whenever you see something in a movie that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you think “I wish I had someone like that,” stop a moment. If the guy doing the sweet thing didn’t look like John Cusack, and looked more like Andy Dick, would it still be something desirable?

— Reid Kerr is always disappointed when he shops for a mattress, and the saleswoman doesn’t offer a tryout.



The NFL By The Numbers

9th November 2017 by admin No Comments

My new NFL/humor column is out at ETFinalScore.com, check it out here. I break down the NFL season by the numbers, including things like…

15 – Number of players who have quit on the Giants. Don’t worry though; it’s only the ones responsible for tackling and catching passes.

 



Trick or Trout

6th November 2017 by admin No Comments

We got hit pretty hard for Halloween this year. I had to give that last kid two cough drops and a potato.



NFL Trade Deadline Winners & Losers

2nd November 2017 by admin No Comments

This week for the Tyler Morning Telegraph, I pick winners and losers at the NFL Trade Deadline, including…

Winner: Tyrod Taylor. The Bills quarterback finally has a weapon, after spending the whole season throwing to players like “Whatshisname,” “That Guy,” and “Picture Not Available.”
Loser: The Browns. Spoiler Alert: It’s always the Browns.

All that plus predictions on tonight’s game, Jerry Jones, and a Buttfumble reference. Check it out.



Starbucked

27th October 2017 by admin No Comments

I don’t really drink coffee so I never know what to order at Starbucks. I just ordered the Vanilla Blonde Roast, because I really like all three of those separately.



Getting a Do-Over on This NFL Season

15th October 2017 by admin No Comments

My humor column for the Tyler Morning Telegraph newspaper is up now, featuring my picks for NFL Week Six. In it, you’ll find semi-insightful commentary like…

Tampa Bay (-1.5) at Arizona: Adrian Peterson is the new Emmitt Smith. And by that I mean he’s a Hall of Fame running back whose last year in Arizona will be completely forgotten.
Pick: Bucs to win and cover, winning by two or more.

Check it out, kids. As always, no wagering.



The Accidental Wedding

14th October 2017 by admin No Comments

Dropped in to a local pub with some friends after the show this afternoon. It’s four on a Saturday, and suddenly we hear a saxophone playing “Careless Whisper.” Turns out there was an impromptu wedding there. Even though the couple wasn’t technically getting married, they still had a bar ceremony. Bizarre? Absolutely, but these are the kinds of things that happen in my life, my friends.

By the way, the couples first dance song? A solo saxophone rendition of the Scorpions “Still Loving You.” It fit perfectly.

For those of you who remember last year’s#Kerricane2016, this comes almost a year to the day from when we saw a bar-top-dancing bride almost get decapitated by a ceiling fan on Anna Maria Island. It’s always an adventure.



The College Football Face or “The Surrender Cobra”

24th September 2017 by admin No Comments

My absolute favorite thing about college football TV broadcasts? The reaction shot of the stunned college student with his hands on his head.
I back up the DVR and watch them again every single time. Welcome to life, kids.



Habitat

23rd September 2017 by admin No Comments

Early morning Habitat For Humanity. I hope there’s an open bar. If not, that’s the first thing we should build.

#habitatforhumanity #goals #forwardthinking #forwarddrinking



NFL: Best and Worst of Week Two

21st September 2017 by admin No Comments

My column is up at ETFinalScore.com, with semi-insightful commentary like “San Francisco’s Brian Hoyer is somehow the 35th ranked quarterback in the league, which is like saying Oklahoma is your 57th favorite state.”

Check it out, kids.



The Deli Trash Bash

19th September 2017 by admin No Comments

McAllisters Deli, I love you, but we’ve got to talk. You need to find some way to store all the food for your catering orders that doesn’t scream “New York City Garbage Workers Strike, Day 34.

Love,

Reid