My official unofficial NFL Draft 2013 timeline:
Monday, April 22, 2012 - The New York Jets agree to trade Darrelle Revis to Tampa Bay for draft picks, after an extortion attempt to force the Buccaneers to also take the Jets entire quarterback roster fails.
Thursday, April 25, 2012, 6:00 am - New Denver Broncos wide receiver leaves a flaming bag of dog poop on Bill Belichick’s front porch, just for old time’s sake.
7:00pm – ESPN opens their coverage of the 2013 NFL Draft. Jon Gruden says there’s a lot of talent in this draft, which seems like a direct challenge to Cowboys GM Jerry Jones to try and find it.
7:04pm – Roger Goodell welcomes everyone to the draft, and introduces Joe Namath and Phil Simms as representatives of the upcoming New York Super Bowl. It goes a lot better for Namath than the last time he was on ESPN, as he doesn’t try and kiss Roger Goodell.
7:11pm - Gruden points out the 2-14 Chiefs had six Pro Bowl players last year, which is like pointing out that “Predators” starred an Oscar winning actor.
7:16pm - With the first pick, Kansas City takes tackle Eric Fisher. ESPN announces for the rest of the hour, they’ll be commercial free thanks to the new “Bud Light Catheter System.”
7:17pm – Jacksonville, who was 29th in offense and 30th in defense goes on the clock. In the Jaguars War Room, the card with the list of their needs simply reads “Everything.”
7:24pm – Jacksonville selects offensive lineman Luke Joeckel. As he puts on the team cap, Jacksonville’s GM asks him how he feels about returning punts.
7:25pm - Jon Gruden says he doesn’t see enough “nasty” in Joeckel. That means he would have graded the pick higher had the Chiefs taken Danny Trejo instead.
7:30pm – ESPN shows Oakland’s draft history over the last decade, which includes first-round picks like JaMarcus Russell and Darrius Heyward-Bey. Due to the sheer horror, ESPN’s television coverage becomes TV-MA.
7:33pm - Oakland realizes they can’t draft a disappointing player in this position, so they trade with Miami to draft multiple disappointments later.
7:34pm - Miami selects linebacker Dion Jordan of Oregon. Chris Berman tosses to Suzy Kolber for an interview, which marks the first time Kolber and Joe Namath have been in the same building since the restraining order hearing.
7:38pm – Dion Jordan says he was surprised at the trade because it’s his “first time,” leaving us to wonder how many times he thinks some of the other guys have been drafted into the NFL.
7:42pm – Under former Oregon coach and offensive genius Chip Kelly, the Eagles draft tackle Lane Johnson, who was a quarterback in junior college. Defensive coordinators in the NFC East start to suspect that Kelly will field a team composed entirely of quarterbacks.
7:50pm – Barry Sanders makes the selection for Detroit, who takes Ezekial Ansah. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert describes Ansah’s career as a “meteoric rise,” which shows you Kiper knows a lot more about the NFL Draft than he does about meteors.
8:01pm – Arizona selects guard Jonathan Cooper, who will help protect Cardinals quarterbacks Whozits Whatsisname and (Name Withheld By Request.)
8:09pm - St. Louis trades up with Buffalo, and takes wide receiver Tavon Austin. ESPN shows a graphic of the Rams current five best receivers, none of whom you’ve ever heard of unless you own the world’s worst fantasy football team. Or the Rams.
8:13pm – Chris Berman describes the Jets as being in a “big rebuild,” which is NFL-speak for “full-on Gary Busey mode.”
8:20pm – ESPN finally pauses for a commercial break, providing a chance for Chris Berman to take a drink, Jon Gruden to look at his notes, and Mel Kiper Draft Expert to get his pit crew on set to lube and rotate his hair.
8:31pm - San Diego takes D.J. Fluker.
8:39pm – Oakland takes D.J. Hayden.
8:46pm - The Jets take D.J. Jazzy Jeff.
8:47pm - Ha-HA! Just kidding. Actually, the Jets select defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson, who appears to have preemptively spent his signing bonus on jewelry. The last time I saw a bracelet that big, Lynda Carter was deflecting bullets with it.
8:52pm – Carolina selects Star Lotulelei, perhaps because his name is an anagram for “ale little sour.”
9:04pm – Buffalo takes quarterback E.J. Manuel from Florida State. Gruden points out that to play in Buffalo he’ll need to read defenses better, and also to buy a coat of some sort.
9:14pm - Dallas trades their first-round pick to San Francisco for a third rounder, an equipment manager to be named later, and a case of Natural Light.
9:25pm - ESPN shows a shot of Oakland’s draft table, which appears to include an eighty year-old man reading a horse racing form.
9:42pm - St. Louis, who traded up to draft Tavon Austin, trades their next pick to Atlanta so they can draft a guy to cover him, defensive back Desmond Trufant.
9:46pm – Minnesota drafts Sharrif Floyd. Sharrif don’t like it. Rock the casbah.
9:51pm - ESPN returns from a commercial break with Manti Te’o lip dubbing “How You Like Me Now.” Since he hasn’t been drafted yet, the answer is “Not that much, Manti.”
9:52pm - Indianapolis takes Bjoern Werner, which if you type into the Ikea website will take you to a very nice set of bookshelves.
10:30pm - Minnesota trades four draft picks to New England to move up and take wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson, who reminds many analysts of Randy Moss, mostly because he has enormous talent, went to a couple of colleges and doesn’t seem to play hard all the time.
10:36pm – A dejected undrafted West Virginia quarterback Geno Smith is shown leaving the Green Room and heading home with Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.
10:42pm – Dallas takes center Travis Frederick, who appears to be Opie from “Sons of Anarchy.”
10:44pm – Baltimore rushes their pick to the commissioner so Chris Berman will stop talking, and takes defensive back Matt Elam to end the first round of the draft.
– Reid Kerr thinks Jerry Jones isn’t very good at certain things.