Tijuana, Day One: Airportville

6th May 2013 by admin No Comments

A little while back I took a little trip to Mexico, by way of San Diego. As with all of my trips, it became an accidental whirlwind of unintentional comedy and goofy stuff. Here are some of my dispatches from the road, written on the trip.

PART ONE: AIRPORTVILLE

Just in case you need to pick up an emerald tiara for your trip.

Just in case you need to pick up an emerald tiara for your trip.

An airport is really just a small, enclosed town. It has a little bit of everything there in tiny, expensive increments, just enough for you to experience and get back to your travels. You can buy food, clothing, gifts, all sorts of things.

For example, you can get a good deal on luggage at the airport. I guess that appeals to the traveler who walks into the airport carrying all of their belongings in separate Walmart grocery bags.

My favorite item in the airport for purchase is the pornography. In the book/magazine stores, there’s always a selection of porn. I have no idea why they’re selling porn, but if there’s a section in every airport I’ve ever been through, that must mean someone is buying it. They wouldn’t just have it there as a loss leader to draw in the high-rolling crowd. Who needs a nudie magazine to get on a plane for several hours? I guess it’s for people who want to join the Mile High Club, but don’t mind joining as a solo act.

Our airplane wasn’t even big enough for me to comfortably masturbate on, by the way. I took a measuring tape in there to scout out, just in case.

Part of what makes the airport shopping experience appealing is that you’re trapped there. You can’t bring a bottle of water on from the outside world, because you could be a terrorist who could use that water to hijack a plane. I’m not sure how they do that, by the way. I think if you’ve reached the point where you can take over an airplane with a bottle of Dasani, you’re probably going to win.

A lot of people buy bags and bags of crap at the airport for the ride. I always get a bottle of water and maybe a candy bar, since you have no idea what’s available on the plane. The woman in line in front of me had a big white plastic bag full of food, like she had gone to the airport grocery store and stocked up on cold cuts and potato salad for the flight.

So after arriving and getting my boarding pass, I had some trouble passing through security at first, because you have to show them your picture ID. I have a lot more hair than I used to, and that seemed to throw the TSA guy off. “Sir, you’re clearly Sammy Hagar, but in your drivers license you’re more Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds. Care to explain?”

And people always try and get something for nothing on these flights, like the guy who tried to bumrush the gate with two giant, unpaid suitcases under his arms while he loudly talked on his cell phone to what I would have to assume was another royal asshole. I think one woman tried to see if her kid could be classified as “carry-on.” None of these people were able to pull it off, by the way.

One thing exciting about the airport is the possibility of seeing celebrities. If famous people are going to get somewhere, they have to fly the same skies as the rest of us. However, I wasn’t flying on a major air carrier, so I figured the best we might see on our flight would be a C-list entertainer who had been on Celebrity Apprentice, or perhaps one of the other Baldwin brothers.

– Come back tomorrow for Day Two, in which Reid rides the airline known as “The Big Lots of the Air.”



Dodgin’ The Draft 2013: Man On Manti

26th April 2013 by admin No Comments

My official unofficial NFL Draft 2013 timeline:

Monday, April 22, 2012 - The New York Jets agree to trade Darrelle Revis to Tampa Bay for draft picks, after an extortion attempt to force the Buccaneers to also take the Jets entire quarterback roster fails.

Thursday, April 25, 2012, 6:00 am - New Denver Broncos wide receiver leaves a flaming bag of dog poop on Bill Belichick’s front porch, just for old time’s sake.

7:00pm – ESPN opens their coverage of the 2013 NFL Draft. Jon Gruden says there’s a lot of talent in this draft, which seems like a direct challenge to Cowboys GM Jerry Jones to try and find it.

7:04pm – Roger Goodell welcomes everyone to the draft, and introduces Joe Namath and Phil Simms as representatives of the upcoming New York Super Bowl. It goes a lot better for Namath than the last time he was on ESPN, as he doesn’t try and kiss Roger Goodell.

7:11pm - Gruden points out the 2-14 Chiefs had six Pro Bowl players last year, which is like pointing out that “Predators” starred an Oscar winning actor.

7:16pm - With the first pick, Kansas City takes tackle Eric Fisher. ESPN announces for the rest of the hour, they’ll be commercial free thanks to the new “Bud Light Catheter System.”

7:17pm – Jacksonville, who was 29th in offense and 30th in defense goes on the clock. In the Jaguars War Room, the card with the list of their needs simply reads “Everything.”

7:24pm – Jacksonville selects offensive lineman Luke Joeckel. As he puts on the team cap, Jacksonville’s GM asks him how he feels about returning punts.

7:25pm - Jon Gruden says he doesn’t see enough “nasty” in Joeckel. That means he would have graded the pick higher had the Chiefs taken Danny Trejo instead.

7:30pm – ESPN shows Oakland’s draft history over the last decade, which includes first-round picks like JaMarcus Russell and Darrius Heyward-Bey. Due to the sheer horror, ESPN’s television coverage becomes TV-MA.

7:33pm - Oakland realizes they can’t draft a disappointing player in this position, so they trade with Miami to draft multiple disappointments later.

7:34pm - Miami selects linebacker Dion Jordan of Oregon. Chris Berman tosses to Suzy Kolber for an interview, which marks the first time Kolber and Joe Namath have been in the same building since the restraining order hearing.

7:38pm – Dion Jordan says he was surprised at the trade because it’s his “first time,” leaving us to wonder how many times he thinks some of the other guys have been drafted into the NFL.

7:42pm – Under former Oregon coach and offensive genius Chip Kelly, the Eagles draft tackle Lane Johnson, who was a quarterback in junior college. Defensive coordinators in the NFC East start to suspect that Kelly will field a team composed entirely of quarterbacks.

7:50pm – Barry Sanders makes the selection for Detroit, who takes Ezekial Ansah. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert describes Ansah’s career as a “meteoric rise,” which shows you Kiper knows a lot more about the NFL Draft than he does about meteors.

8:01pm – Arizona selects guard Jonathan Cooper, who will help protect Cardinals quarterbacks Whozits Whatsisname and (Name Withheld By Request.)

8:09pm - St. Louis trades up with Buffalo, and takes wide receiver Tavon Austin. ESPN shows a graphic of the Rams current five best receivers, none of whom you’ve ever heard of unless you own the world’s worst fantasy football team. Or the Rams.

8:13pm – Chris Berman describes the Jets as being in a “big rebuild,” which is NFL-speak for “full-on Gary Busey mode.”

8:20pm – ESPN finally pauses for a commercial break, providing a chance for Chris Berman to take a drink, Jon Gruden to look at his notes, and Mel Kiper Draft Expert to get his pit crew on set to lube and rotate his hair.

8:31pm - San Diego takes D.J. Fluker.

8:39pm – Oakland takes D.J. Hayden.

8:46pm - The Jets take D.J. Jazzy Jeff.

8:47pm - Ha-HA! Just kidding. Actually, the Jets select defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson, who appears to have preemptively spent his signing bonus on jewelry. The last time I saw a bracelet that big, Lynda Carter was deflecting bullets with it.

8:52pm – Carolina selects Star Lotulelei, perhaps because his name is an anagram for “ale little sour.”

9:04pm – Buffalo takes quarterback E.J. Manuel from Florida State. Gruden points out that to play in Buffalo he’ll need to read defenses better, and also to buy a coat of some sort.

9:14pm - Dallas trades their first-round pick to San Francisco for a third rounder, an equipment manager to be named later, and a case of Natural Light.

9:25pm - ESPN shows a shot of Oakland’s draft table, which appears to include an eighty year-old man reading a horse racing form.

9:42pm - St. Louis, who traded up to draft Tavon Austin, trades their next pick to Atlanta so they can draft a guy to cover him, defensive back Desmond Trufant.

9:46pm – Minnesota drafts Sharrif Floyd. Sharrif don’t like it. Rock the casbah.

9:51pm - ESPN returns from a commercial break with Manti Te’o lip dubbing “How You Like Me Now.” Since he hasn’t been drafted yet, the answer is “Not that much, Manti.”

9:52pm - Indianapolis takes Bjoern Werner, which if you type into the Ikea website will take you to a very nice set of bookshelves.

10:30pm - Minnesota trades four draft picks to New England to move up and take wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson, who reminds many analysts of Randy Moss, mostly because he has enormous talent, went to a couple of colleges and doesn’t seem to play hard all the time.

10:36pm – A dejected undrafted West Virginia quarterback Geno Smith is shown leaving the Green Room and heading home with Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.

10:42pm – Dallas takes center Travis Frederick, who appears to be Opie from “Sons of Anarchy.”

10:44pm – Baltimore rushes their pick to the commissioner so Chris Berman will stop talking, and takes defensive back Matt Elam to end the first round of the draft.

– Reid Kerr thinks Jerry Jones isn’t very good at certain things. 



The Best Laid Plans

1st April 2013 by admin 1 Comment

Once upon a time, I had a dog named Sammie. Since Sammie was an inside dog, I never had her spayed or neutered, so she would still go into heat. When she started, I didn’t want her to bleed all over the carpet, so I bought a ten-pack of little boys’ underwear.

I turned them around, put her tail through the front flap, and safety pinned them to make them tight. Then, as long as I remembered to take them off of her when I walked her, everything was fine.

At the end of the week as I was walking to the dumpster of my apartment complex carrying a garbage bag full of bloody lttle boys’ underwear, I realized…

I didn’t think this through very well.

– Reid Kerr is not exactly a criminal mastermind



Easter Basketcase

30th March 2013 by admin No Comments

My wife is sitting out in the car, loading plastic eggs with candy for her nephews. Very sweet, unlike the guy doing the same sitting in the unmarked windowless van across the street.



Powerless: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLVII Timeline

4th February 2013 by admin No Comments

My unofficial official Super Bowl XLVII Timeline:

Sunday, January 20, 2013 - San Francisco wins the NFC Championship. Colin Kaepernick receives a congratulatory hug from Jim Harbaugh. Demoted backup quarterback Alex Smith gets a six-pack of beer in the mail from Drew Bledsoe with a note that just says, “Been there.”

Thursday - In a programming note, CBS announces that Dan Marino will be starring in a new sitcom entitled “How I Met Your Father.”

Sunday, February 3, 2013, 5:00pm central time - CBS begins their official start of the Super Bowl XLVII coverage brought to you by the Lone Ranger, zombie movies, and deer antler spray.

5:11pm – The Baltimore Ravens are introduced in a video package narrated by safety Ed Reed, who appears to have been homeless for the last eight years.

5:14pm - In the pregame, Ray Lewis seems to be muttering final prayers before the game. However, God is watching the Puppy Bowl.

5:23pm – Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem. Moments before kickoff, Jack and Jackie Harbaugh each silently decide which of their kids they love more.

5:27pm – Ray Lewis gets a final IV to replace the enormous amounts of fluids he’s lost crying in the pregame.

5:29pm – Baltimore wins the coin toss, and elects to defer their choice until after they see the commercial for “World War Z” again.

5:31pm – San Francisco starts with the ball, and promptly lines up wrong to draw a penalty. Luckily, Kaepernick has the formation for the next play tattooed on his bicep.

5:41pm - Baltimore’s first possession ends in an Anquan Boldin touchdown, a 7-0 lead, and a flood of Ray Lewis’ tears.

5:43pm – A commercial for M&M’s ends with the candy spokesman being eaten alive. We can only hope the next pitchman to be devoured is the Priceline Negotiator.

5:52pm – CBS’s Jim Nantz says the 49ers have brought in wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr. to use as a decoy, which is almost as funny a concept as using an actual decoy as a wide receiver. San Francisco gets a field goal.

5:59pm – CBS reports Ed Reed has been taken into the locker room for an evaluation, and hopefully a shave and haircut.

6:06pm – A commercial airs for the latest “Fast & The Furious” movie starring Vin Diesel and the Rock, thus proving that they are not the same person at different points in time.

6:13pm – San Francisco’s LaMichael James fumbles and Baltimore recovers. In a promotional tie-in for CBS, NCIS’s Special Agent Gibbs slaps James in the back of the head.

6:28pm – Colin Kaepernick throws an interception to Ed Reed, which winds up in a multiple-penalty scrum that looks like the Super Bowl and Royal Rumble are happening at the same time.

6:36pm – Baltimore tries a fake field goal which fails, and causes football fans everywhere to question John Harbaugh’s strategy.

6:48pm – After a San Fran punt, Baltimore scores on a 56-yard touchdown pass for a 21-3 lead, and America learns not to second-guess a Harbaugh.

6:56pm – Ray Lewis gets a quarterback sack, which he refuses to discuss with the authorities.

6:58pm – San Francisco gets a field goal as the half expires, Baltimore leads 21-6.

7:09pm – The halftime show begins with Beyonce and a reunion of Destiny’s Child. Or at least the members of Destiny’s Child who Beyonce still gets along with.

7:23pm - After the halftime show, Beyonce gets a congratulatory handshake from Roger Goodell, while the other members of Destiny’s Child get a sympathetic hug from demoted backup quarterback Alex Smith.

7:31pm – Jacoby Jones notices that the 49ers weren’t paying attention to the kickoff because they were all on Facebook complaining about the halftime show, and runs it back for a touchdown.

7:36pm – A power outage kills Phil Simms’ microphone in mid sentence, thus proving sometimes dreams really do come true.

7:47pm – The third quarter of the Super Bowl is now brought to you by New Orleans pickpockets, who are working their way through half of the darkened Superdome crowd.

7:50pm – The power outage is blamed on Ray Lewis’ tears of joy, which apparently shorted out one of the electrical transformers in the Superdome.

7:53pm – In a marketing tie-in, CBS brings in the cast of “CSI” to investigate who killed the power.

7:58pm – While CBS tries to stall during the power outage, Dan Marino suggests they kill some time by showing Facebook pictures of hot CBS interns.

8:01pm – Shannon Sharpe and Bill Cowher talk over the possibility of San Francisco benching Colin Kaepernick for Alex Smith. They also discuss how Cheers was better with Shelley Long, and how Van Halen needs to give Gary Cherone another try.

8:08pm – CBS’s Jim Nantz compliments the Superdome crowd on staying calm during the power outage. Of course, the power goes out when you’re in a crowd in New Orleans? Don’t start making any sudden moves.

8:10pm – Play resumes, as the Superdome installs a generator that runs on cheap plastic beads to prevent any problems in the future.

8:36pm – A Budweiser commercial airs where a man sells his Clydesdale horse to Budweiser, then they reunite years later in an emotional moment. The moral of the story? Drink a lot of beer, and don’t sell your friends.

8:40pm – Ray Rice loses the ball after a short pass. In a promotional tie-in, CBS announces the fumble was caused by the ghost from “Paranormal Activity 4.”

8:46pm – CBS shows graphics on the teams’ production “Since Power Outage,” which I’ll bet is probably something the CBS stats and production teams never thought they’d be putting together for the Super Bowl.

8:52pm – The NFL Network runs a commercial where Deion Sanders dons an afro wig and mustache as “Leon Sandcastle,” and gets drafted again. However, he goes to the Kansas City Chiefs, so that’s pretty much the last we’ll see of him until he becomes a free agent.

9:45pm – The Super Bowl ends with a Baltimore Ravens win, 34-31.

9:50pm - Ravens teammates begin thinking of excuses not to attend Ray Lewis’s Super Bowl party.

– Reid Kerr’s Super Bowl MVP was The Rock, who was in three different commercials.



White Castle? Rooked.

2nd February 2013 by admin No Comments

A White Castle with an ad for Valentine’s Day reservations, for that special guy who doesn’t want to get laid on the 14th.

I’m thinking that just forgetting Valentine’s Day entirely is probably preferable to making reservations for a special evening at White Castle. Nothing says “love” like a plate of tiny burgers composed of 90% slime.



Hey Craigslist!

25th January 2013 by admin No Comments

New rule: When I put something on Craigslist to sell and you contact me wanting to buy it, I’m just going to assume you’re an asshole until you actually show up to see it. That’ll save me some time.



The Top Five TV Private Investigators Of All Time

15th January 2013 by admin No Comments

Every Tuesday, I’ll give you my top five list of something. This week, it’s my Top Five TV PI’s (private investigators) of all time. Feel free to discuss, argue, snipe, etc.

1. Jim Rockford - Was there ever anyone cooler than James Garner, in any way, shape, or form?
2. Shawn Spencer – I crack up at least three times an episode.
3. Thomas Magnum – For the mustache alone.
4.  Duckman – Criminally underrated.
5. Scooby Doo – Marked down the list because I’m not sure if he has an official PI license.

Honorable Mentions: Tad Martin, Barnaby Jones

 



Aging Like Fine Wine, Uncorked

14th January 2013 by admin No Comments

As I get older, not much has changed in my life. Although I’ve now noticed when I buy a lottery ticket, I no longer get the option where they pay it out over the next 25 years. I want that cash now, in small untraceable bills, just in case I’m not around to spend it.

I am now 42 years old. Some people refer to that as “middle aged,” but to assume that would be pretty presumptuous,  based on my eating habits. And by “eating habits,” I mean “eating whatever is in front of me until I’m too uncomfortable to continue.”

As you get older, there’s all sorts of questions that pop up. Should I buy a home? What are term life insurance rates? Should I buy or lease a car, or just keep hitchhiking? Should I keep investing in Elvis collectible plates, or should I diversify and buy some Dale Earnhardts?

Aging is such a conundrum.

– Reid Kerr still prefers aging to the alternative.



The Hatchet Problem

13th January 2013 by admin No Comments

When you really need to hit someone with a foam arrow from fifty feet away.

Not sure if you’re up on technology advancements in foam and soft-plastic weaponry, but they’re doing great things with Nerf these days. The old cheap dart guns that had a range of eighteen inches are long gone, replaced by pistols, rifles, and even crossbows.

Yes, Nerf now makes bows and arrows which can be shot accurately from fifty feet.  It kind of takes away from the whole “Cops and Robbers” games we used to play when you can set up sniper-style up the block, and just wait to pick the bandits off as they escape.

Nerf…death from beyond.

Anyway, Nerf now makes a huge line of weapons including swords, shields, and battleaxes. You can even get a “Tactical Vest,” just in case you need to go to the mattresses against the other neighborhood kids.

For the little Nerf-serial killer in your life.

The one I’m the most puzzled with?  The new Nerf Hatchet.

Okay, Nerf swords and dart guns I get. But a Nerf Hatchet? Are they marketing these to the serial killers of tomorrow?

With a sword, you can run up on your target and pretend to have a swordfight. With a hatchet…you can sneak up on them from behind and pretend to decapitate them.

Here’s the write-up from Hasbro’s website.

“Build your armory and join the N-FORCE team! The ultimate battle experience is yours when you arm yourself and charge into battle! Styled for the toughest battle action, this foam hatchet is designed for intimidation.”

Who needs to intimidate the neighborhood kids? He’s got a super-soaker, you’ve got a toy dismemberment device.

They want to play soldier, you want to play John Rambo, ninja-murdering people up close and quiet behind enemy lines.

If any kid in your neighborhood discards the popgun and chooses to go with the hatchet, watch that kid. That’s all I’m saying.

– Reid Kerr thinks there should be a video game about delivering humanitarian aid to wartorn countries, so it’ll be sexier.



The Hotel Treatment

13th January 2013 by admin No Comments

I’ve had the pleasure of staying at many unpleasurable motels. I say “motels” here because I’ve generally found “hotels” to be of a good quality, or at least good enough that I don’t feel like pulling the furniture up against the door while I sleep like I do in motels.

I’ve always been fascinated with the temporary life of hotel rooms. it’s everything you need for a very brief period of time, and then they push the reset button on it and it starts all over again the next day.

If you’re looking for hotel supplies online, there’s a website called PeachSuite Hotel Supply where you can order everything from hotel linens to those housekeeping carts. being a hotel amenities supplier means they can offer you everything from facial tissues and soap to…well, cases of those things.

I always swipe the soap and little bottles, then give them as stocking stuffers at Christmas. Does that make me wrong?

– Reid Kerr thinks if swiping hotel shampoo is wrong, he doesn’t want to be right. And possibly couldn’t be right, anyway.



The Top 5 Comedies Of All Time

8th January 2013 by admin No Comments

Every Tuesday, I’ll give you my top five list of something. We start the year with my Top Five Comedies of all time. Feel free to discuss, argue, snipe, etc.

1. Blazing Saddles – Close call, but top to bottom, I never stop laughing.
2. Airplane – Another parody that has far outlived the genre it made fun of.
3. Groundhog Day – I’m just amazed by this movie and the way it’s put together.
4. Animal House – My first-ever R-rated movie.
5. Stepbrothers – Hilariously stupid.

Honorable Mentions: Caddyshack, Old School.