My unofficial official Super Bowl XLVII Timeline:
Sunday, January 20, 2013 – San Francisco wins the NFC Championship. Colin Kaepernick receives a congratulatory hug from Jim Harbaugh. Demoted backup quarterback Alex Smith gets a six-pack of beer in the mail from Drew Bledsoe with a note that just says, “Been there.”
Thursday – In a programming note, CBS announces that Dan Marino will be starring in a new sitcom entitled “How I Met Your Father.”
Sunday, February 3, 2013, 5:00pm central time – CBS begins their official start of the Super Bowl XLVII coverage brought to you by the Lone Ranger, zombie movies, and deer antler spray.
5:11pm – The Baltimore Ravens are introduced in a video package narrated by safety Ed Reed, who appears to have been homeless for the last eight years.
5:14pm – In the pregame, Ray Lewis seems to be muttering final prayers before the game. However, God is watching the Puppy Bowl.
5:23pm – Alicia Keys sings the National Anthem. Moments before kickoff, Jack and Jackie Harbaugh each silently decide which of their kids they love more.
5:27pm – Ray Lewis gets a final IV to replace the enormous amounts of fluids he’s lost crying in the pregame.
5:29pm – Baltimore wins the coin toss, and elects to defer their choice until after they see the commercial for “World War Z” again.
5:31pm – San Francisco starts with the ball, and promptly lines up wrong to draw a penalty. Luckily, Kaepernick has the formation for the next play tattooed on his bicep.
5:41pm – Baltimore’s first possession ends in an Anquan Boldin touchdown, a 7-0 lead, and a flood of Ray Lewis’ tears.
5:43pm – A commercial for M&M’s ends with the candy spokesman being eaten alive. We can only hope the next pitchman to be devoured is the Priceline Negotiator.
5:52pm – CBS’s Jim Nantz says the 49ers have brought in wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr. to use as a decoy, which is almost as funny a concept as using an actual decoy as a wide receiver. San Francisco gets a field goal.
5:59pm – CBS reports Ed Reed has been taken into the locker room for an evaluation, and hopefully a shave and haircut.
6:06pm – A commercial airs for the latest “Fast & The Furious” movie starring Vin Diesel and the Rock, thus proving that they are not the same person at different points in time.
6:13pm – San Francisco’s LaMichael James fumbles and Baltimore recovers. In a promotional tie-in for CBS, NCIS’s Special Agent Gibbs slaps James in the back of the head.
6:28pm – Colin Kaepernick throws an interception to Ed Reed, which winds up in a multiple-penalty scrum that looks like the Super Bowl and Royal Rumble are happening at the same time.
6:36pm – Baltimore tries a fake field goal which fails, and causes football fans everywhere to question John Harbaugh’s strategy.
6:48pm – After a San Fran punt, Baltimore scores on a 56-yard touchdown pass for a 21-3 lead, and America learns not to second-guess a Harbaugh.
6:56pm – Ray Lewis gets a quarterback sack, which he refuses to discuss with the authorities.
6:58pm – San Francisco gets a field goal as the half expires, Baltimore leads 21-6.
7:09pm – The halftime show begins with Beyonce and a reunion of Destiny’s Child. Or at least the members of Destiny’s Child who Beyonce still gets along with.
7:23pm – After the halftime show, Beyonce gets a congratulatory handshake from Roger Goodell, while the other members of Destiny’s Child get a sympathetic hug from demoted backup quarterback Alex Smith.
7:31pm – Jacoby Jones notices that the 49ers weren’t paying attention to the kickoff because they were all on Facebook complaining about the halftime show, and runs it back for a touchdown.
7:36pm – A power outage kills Phil Simms’ microphone in mid sentence, thus proving sometimes dreams really do come true.
7:47pm – The third quarter of the Super Bowl is now brought to you by New Orleans pickpockets, who are working their way through half of the darkened Superdome crowd.
7:50pm – The power outage is blamed on Ray Lewis’ tears of joy, which apparently shorted out one of the electrical transformers in the Superdome.
7:53pm – In a marketing tie-in, CBS brings in the cast of “CSI” to investigate who killed the power.
7:58pm – While CBS tries to stall during the power outage, Dan Marino suggests they kill some time by showing Facebook pictures of hot CBS interns.
8:01pm – Shannon Sharpe and Bill Cowher talk over the possibility of San Francisco benching Colin Kaepernick for Alex Smith. They also discuss how Cheers was better with Shelley Long, and how Van Halen needs to give Gary Cherone another try.
8:08pm – CBS’s Jim Nantz compliments the Superdome crowd on staying calm during the power outage. Of course, the power goes out when you’re in a crowd in New Orleans? Don’t start making any sudden moves.
8:10pm – Play resumes, as the Superdome installs a generator that runs on cheap plastic beads to prevent any problems in the future.
8:36pm – A Budweiser commercial airs where a man sells his Clydesdale horse to Budweiser, then they reunite years later in an emotional moment. The moral of the story? Drink a lot of beer, and don’t sell your friends.
8:40pm – Ray Rice loses the ball after a short pass. In a promotional tie-in, CBS announces the fumble was caused by the ghost from “Paranormal Activity 4.”
8:46pm – CBS shows graphics on the teams’ production “Since Power Outage,” which I’ll bet is probably something the CBS stats and production teams never thought they’d be putting together for the Super Bowl.
8:52pm – The NFL Network runs a commercial where Deion Sanders dons an afro wig and mustache as “Leon Sandcastle,” and gets drafted again. However, he goes to the Kansas City Chiefs, so that’s pretty much the last we’ll see of him until he becomes a free agent.
9:45pm – The Super Bowl ends with a Baltimore Ravens win, 34-31.
9:50pm – Ravens teammates begin thinking of excuses not to attend Ray Lewis’s Super Bowl party.
– Reid Kerr’s Super Bowl MVP was The Rock, who was in three different commercials.