The Rejection Chronicles III: Yes and No

21st August 2015 by admin No Comments

One thing is starting to become clear to me, if the writing process was a book, it would be far too depressing to read. It is, by necessity, a culling process. “Culling” in this instance means “a series of punches to the taint designed to discourage everyone.”

Last night I took the new book, “Goodbye Joinerville,” to a Writers Group and read the first ten pages. It killed. I got great feedback, and I was really encouraged by how much they liked it. It was a really good experience, in a situation where that’s certainly not always the case.

GoldenGod01Today, I get up feeling great. I am a Golden God!

And then I get a rejection notice from an agent who had requested the book.

I am no longer a golden god. I am now worthless vermin fit only for extinction. Back to work I go.

Which is really what I should be doing, of course. A book isn’t finished until it’s on a shelf somewhere, and last night I noticed a couple of things I should fix up. Still, rejection is a killer. It’s always frustrating to realize you’re not automatically universally loved and adored, and you didn’t get a return email full of praise and twenty-dollar bills.

How do I deal with it? Sarcasm. Steve Earle. And another episode of the Rejection Chronicles. Here’s another rejection letter I’ve received in the past, and what I actually took it to mean.

EMAIL: Thank you for your query. (Agent) asked me to reply after he evaluated your submission. We’re afraid your project does not seem right for our list, but thank you for thinking of (Agent), and best of luck in your search for representation.

What they meant: Thank you for sending us this vile refuse. My boss read it and threw himself out of a window, so I’m replying to you in hopes you stop before you injure anyone else.

We’re afraid your project doesn’t seem right for humans. Thank you for thinking of us, please stop thinking of us. Or thinking in general. Best of luck in your search for representation, or meaning in life.

— Reid Kerr found that listening to “The Revolution Starts Now” as loud as possible helps with the healing process.



The Daily Life of a Freelance Writer: Mail Call

14th August 2015 by admin No Comments
Being a writer requires a mailbox that can take a punch.

Being a writer requires a mailbox that can take a punch.

Ah, the glamorous life of a free-lance writer. For those of you who’ve been seduced by our portrayal in movies and television, here’s a little daily routine I’ve grown accustomed to.

1) I sing a happy tune all the way to the mail box.
2) I open it, reach in, look around twice and make sure there’s no checks in it.
3) I mutter profanity as I stomp all the way back to my front door.

Repeat daily six days a week. Take Sundays off.

— Reid Kerr wishes he could pay his bills the same way, but the electric company is somewhat less than sympathetic.



Travel Book Sneak Peak

7th August 2015 by admin No Comments

Working on The Travel Book, tentatively titled “I Hate It Here: A Love Story.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach, but mostly because it gives me access to seafood. I’m a huge fan of any food that lets me add butter as a condiment.”

— Reid Kerr hopes you’ll join him on a sarcasm-filled tour of the country.



Autobio-Hazard

1st August 2015 by admin No Comments

I’m trying to write a short biography page for a prospective agent. It’s hard to boil it down to 250 words. I’ve had an easier time writing ransom notes, to be honest.

I’m trying to decide how many of the following phrases to include:

– Published Author
– Donkey Basketball Champion
– 220 Pounds of Twisted Steel and Sex Appeal
– Survivor of a Career in Radio and Television
– Tenaha Parade Broadcaster
– Goalie
– Airport art critic
– Founder, Sugartit Machete Club
– Former webmaster, DonkeyTaco.com
– Voice of Swap Shop, 1996-97
– Green vegetable-free, 1970-present

— Reid Kerr knows his resume is somewhat unbelievable, and not in the good way.



The Rejection Chronicles: Writing The Pine

20th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As a writer, I get a lot of calls and emails asking me how things are going, and what I’m doing. Most of these are from my friends and family asking just to make sure I’m still alive, or from my creditors, who are asking for the same reasons. On Monday I like to plan out the rest of my week, just in case there’s a mysterious disappearance. I figure it’ll be easier for the ID Network to tell my story if I go ahead and give them the background material.

My writing schedule for the week:

Monday: Signing books written by other people at the Cincinnati Barnes & Noble until they notice and kick me out.

Reid12Tuesday: Almost send out that thing I wrote, become crippled with doubt and start rewriting it again. Intend to leave house, never do.

Wednesday: Crying, drinking (various locations).

Thursday: Begin writing, get side-tracked, spend the entire day responding to negative online review by filing false Homeland Security reports.

Friday: Get on a roll writing, then get confused as to whether I should be using “affect” or “effect,” spend the next nine hours rewriting pages to eliminate that word, whichever one it was supposed to be in the first #$^%ing place.

Saturday: Resist urge to sucker-punch guy at get-together who finds out I’m a writer and feels compelled to tell me this story he always was going to write about a guy he knew back in high school who had a photographic memory and used it to memorize Hardy Boys books, and “Hey, what if that guy grew up to solve crimes as ‘the Hardly Boy?'” Sob. Drink. Flee.

Sunday: Put together list of projects for next week, including prospects, missed deadlines, vague ideas, and grocery store lists, which quickly turn into liquor store lists. Repeat if necessary.

— Reid Kerr is starting to answer the question “What do you do for a living?” by saying “I’m a pallbearer.”



The Rejection Chronicles II: Return Of The Suck

10th July 2015 by admin No Comments

The submission process continues for my new book, so I’m giving you an inside look at what happens inside my head when I read a rejection notice.

No.Email:  Hi Reid, Thank you for giving me a chance to consider your project. I’ve gone through your query and your sample pages and unfortunately I am going to have to pass on (title).  

Please remember that this is a highly subjective industry, and what doesn’t work for me is probably exactly what another agent may be looking for. I’m sorry I didn’t have better news for you but I wish you all the best with your search and hope you find the right agent soon.

All the best…

What they meant: Reid, thanks for letting me see this…whatever it was. I’m going to pass on this, as I’m still not sure what it was. All I know is, it broke my shredder. Remember, taste is subjective, so send this to someone with no taste. I wish I had better news for you, because quite frankly, I’m now scared of you. Best of luck to you, I have to hurry along now and alert the authorities.

All the best, only somewhere else…

— Reid Kerr isn’t going to take things too personally, but by God, he’s at least going to get some laughs out of them.



The Rejection Chronicles

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As I begin the submission process again for my new book, I understand that rejection is inevitable. It’s just part of the game, and as writers, we shouldn’t take it personally. We really shouldn’t, even though that’s certainly what we always want to do. It happens to everybody, I know. That said, it always seems like there’s a complete disconnect in what they tell me and what I actually hear.

Email: Reid, thank you for sharing your story with us.

We must decline. Hope it finds a good home soon.

What they meant: Reid, our auto-mailer requires us to enter a first name, Reid, so you feel as if you’re receiving personal rejection, hand-crafted just for Reid. We appreciate you sharing your story with us, Reid, but no. Nope nope no. Hope it finds a home soon, Reid, somewhere where we will never see it again. Perhaps you could have it printed on the inside of cereal boxes, or use the pages to drain fishgrease.

— Reid Kerr’s hobby is making things up.

 



Gig Bagged

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

Writing gigs this week…12,000 words on high school football…finished. Final score, 1300 Coaching Cliches, 143 players with upside who are great athletes and real leaders, 63 bottles of water, 29 episodes of Gossip Girl watched in the background, and 1 bout with stomach flu. Just to make things more interesting, I also threw in a thousand words for Entertainment Guide Magazine on a band and two of my semi-patented sports humor columns for the Tyler (TX) newspaper.

Just waiting for the flu to fully recede so I’ll feel safe to go back to my normal daily workload of writing and drinking.

— Reid Kerr can’t wait until we’ve advanced to the point of e-vomiting.



Reid’s Writing Tips

2nd July 2015 by admin No Comments

While hanging out on Twitter today (at @ReidAboutIt, of course), I saw some other writer handing out some #WritingTips. I felt like the world should have the benefit of my vast lack of knowledge, and since my jeans were in the wash and I had time, I thought I’d hammer out a few of my rules for newbies.

These are 100% guaranteed to work, although please remember that guarantee is not legally backed up in any way, shape, or form.

  • Remember, backstory and context are important to establish for characters, so always start your book with a murder spree at a family reunion.
  • Try not to write things that make people wonder what’s on TV.
  • If you use social media solely to harass people to buy your book, you risk shunning, plus getting punched in the taint.
  • Non-paying gigs can really help you with exposure, which is what you’ll die of when you’re broke and living under a bridge.
  • If your intro sucks, feel free to use “I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray.”
  • Literary agents generally prefer to find their own clients. But not in their backyards, holding a hatchet.
  • Getting a high Google ranking is important for sales, so play it safe and name your book’s romantic interest “Google.”
  • Sometimes it helps to get away from your work while editing, so don’t be afraid to bury it in the back yard for a few days while you go get drunk.
  • If you’re running short on a word count, drop a few dozen “very’s” in there. Editors very love that stuff.
  • You can learn a lot from negative reviews of your work, including which pills you can mix with alcohol and still live.
  • Asking social media followers to retweet things for you often is like asking them to pick you up at the airport. Every day.

— Reid Kerr would like to remind you his comedy novel, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available for the low low price of $2.99 at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.



Least Mode: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLIX Timeline

5th February 2015 by admin No Comments

For those of you who are fans of sports, commercials, controversy, halftime shows, fistfights, and all of the other things that go into a Super Bowl, my annual award-winning* Super Bowl Timeline is up now at ProjectShanks.com, featuring lines like…

9:57pm – The Seahawks get a miracle catch to get the ball down inside the Patriots five yard line, where they will surely give the ball to the unstoppable Marshawn Lynch for the go-ahead touchdown!

10:00pm – Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Seahawks make the worst offensive decision since Hitler thought he could beat Russia on their home turf in winter. The Patriots intercept the ball.

Check it out, kids.

* Theoretical awards only, there is not yet an award for “Best Smart-ass.”



I’m The Map!

26th January 2015 by admin No Comments

Just out of curiosity, I took this quiz on a website to show how many states in the USA I’ve visited.  Not bad, although ten years ago, it would have been much more sparse.

Looking at this, it makes me look forward to the travel book, “I Hate It Here.” Lots of good stories coming in that one.


visited 25 states (50%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or Amsterdam travel guide for Android



Why “Free” Is Still A Great Deal For Everybody

27th December 2014 by admin No Comments
The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape

The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape

I had a friend ask me why I was excited about my book (“The Great Texas Trailer Park”) being offered for free for Christmas.

Quick plug, yes, free. You can get my book for free for another day or so here, as well as 20 other books from great horror writers like John Paul Allen, Sara Brooke, Neal Barrett Jr., Monica J. O’Rourke, and many others. Also, a free book from some guy named Neil Gaiman. Never heard of him. He sounds Canadian, or something. Click here for the link, and download all of them for free while they last.

Now, back to my point.

How can I make it as a writer when my book is free for a couple of days? It’s a logical question. When you get something from an artist for free, it’s hopefully a part of a long-term arrangement.

By the way, I’m using the word “artist” to mean anyone who creates. I’m not putting all of us on the same level. I look at some of the authors who are also on that page of free books, and I consider my own writing abilities, and it just makes me want to go sit in a corner and eat a bag of candy. I use the term generically, and without judgment.

For an example, my book sells for $2.99. For me to sell enough copies of my book to live my desired life of a riverboat gambler, I’d have to sell a copy to every man, woman, and child in the greater Dallas area. And I’ve been up there often, and I can assure you, many of those people don’t get my jokes.

The point of writing my first book was to keep writing, and build an audience. At this point in my career, I’d just like more people to read my books, hopefully enjoy them, and come back for the next one. Giving away a book for free if it creates a relationship with a new reader is an investment in the future.

So please, go ahead and download my book while it’s still free. And get the rest too, especially if you’re a fan of horror, because there are some really strong books on that page.

Just remember, you got the book for free from the author, and if you enjoy it, there are a couple of things you can do to help them in gratitude for providing you with free (or even low cost) entertainment.

First and foremost, if you like it, tell someone. A quick tweet or post on Facebook will do wonders, especially if you’ve got friends with similar interests. If you have friends without similar interests, well, you have really weird friends but they still might enjoy my book. Remember wearing a t-shirt from your favorite indy band? Same principle, but better fashion sense.

If you like the writer, follow them. I’ve got a writer’s page on Facebook  where I’ll be moving all of my random comedy bits after the start of the year. If you “like” my FB posts or my tweets, then like my new page so you don’t miss any of it. And better yet, share my page with your friends. If you think I’m funny, hopefully they will too. The best way to advertise is through word of mouth, so if you read something you like, let your friends know. Every connection made helps an author expand their reach, and creates another potential fan.

Also, leave a review. When you like something you’ve read from an author, please go to Amazon, B&N.com, and Smashwords, and leave them a positive review. Stats show 83% of people will at least glance at the reviews on a book from a new author before they buy it.

By the way, stats also show that I make up a lot of stats, and I always use 83% as my default percentage. Still, it’s vitally important.

If you like the new Lee Child “Jack Reacher” novel (I did), leaving a review for it would be nice, but not necessary. That book had already sold 47 billion copies by the time they finished printing it. Word of mouth doesn’t make that much of a difference to something that’s already in the front window of Barnes & Noble.

On the other hand, small press and indy authors need your love. “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” has 22 five-star reviews, and believe me, I appreciate every single one of them. The fact people not only have bought my work but enjoyed it? That makes me feel awesome.

When you create art of any kind, whether it’s writing, art, music, comedy, whatever, you create it in a vacuum. No matter how much you workshop it, take it to writers’ groups, and get feedback, there’s still a huge leap of faith involved in finishing it and throwing it out there for public consumption.

It’s like having a baby that you know the world won’t hesitate to point and call ugly. Thank God there’s no Amazon reviews for infants. Yet.

I’m pleased with getting my royalty checks from Biting Dog Press, don’t get me wrong. I’m even more pleased that people like my work, and are interested in coming back for the next book. That’s the goal.

So by all means, go ahead and download my book while you can. Grab some of the others too, and see if you like them. If so, let the authors know, and tell a friend or two.

Enjoy!