New column up at Project Shanks.com, on Robin Williams, depression, and a confession of my own. I had a lot of trouble dealing with the death of Robin Williams, and I had to eventually realize it went far beyond just being a fan of the man since I was seven.
JAKE RYAN: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
FARMER TED: (choking) What are you waiting for?
Ah, 1984. That was back when date-rape was funny, I guess. It’s like remembering that Nick Nolte’s character in “48 Hours” was hilarious, and then seeing the movie again and noticing he’s more than just an eentsy-bit racist.
– Reid Kerr doesn’t even want to start on “The Donger.”
Eating at a nice brunch place (that is neither a house of waffles nor pancakes). My waitress has a machine gun tattooed on her bicep. And not in a “Welcome to the gun show, ha-ha” sort of way. It’s more of a line-drawing, “Viva la revolucion” kind of thing, which makes me scared to ask. She may be taking up arms against the harsh and unfair syrup rules imposed by Obamacare.
Everyone knows her. She’s on your television every night, smiling and reading you the daily news.
It’s a burden being famous. That’s why she’s comes here to this cafe and sits outside afternoons. She’ll smile and be feaux-bashful about being recognized, but that’s her job. She hates the publicity, though.
So why isn’t anyone noticing her yet? Guess she’ll order another coffee.
Quick background, I’m cancelling my satellite service with DirecTV. It’s actually not because of any problems I have with the service, it’s just that…well, TV sucks these days, so I’m cutting the cord for a while. I cancelled my service for mid-March, which was the day my contract ended. DirecTV shut everything down early so I called to complain, then they told me I was actually paid for through the end of the month. After that, it certainly seemed like I was charged for the rest of the month anyway, so I sent them an email. This is the third or fourth go-round with them, after a series of confusing emails.
Bernadette (probably not her real name), I appreciate you getting back to me. Let me make sure I have this correct:
I wondered to myself today if anyone would mind if I strangled the asshole in front of me at the deli counter, the one getting tiny amounts of nine different meats and cheeses all ordered individually. He ordered quarter-pound after quarter-pound, all sliced so thin as to be nearly invisible. Then after the counter worker would bring him his tiny bag of booty, he would scratch his stupid fucking head and come up with yet another small errand.
“Ah, yes…can I also get a quarter-pound of smoked peppered ham? Sliced thin. Thinner than thin. And can you wash the pepper off of it for me, I only want it to have the taste of pepper, not any actual pepper flakes on it.”
“Let me get a third pound of Colby cheese. But not the longhorn. Do you have shorthorn Colby cheese? Go check in the back, I’ll wait.”
“Let me get a tenth of a pound of Dr. Pepper Jack cheese. And can you cut that in individual slices using a machete, please?”
Meanwhile, I was standing there so long my coupons expired, dreaming of ordering something long and thin such as sausages, which I would then use to whip around his neck and choke the life from him until he finally ended his order. Eventually his lifeless body would collapse, sprawling upon the dozen small plastic bags of individual slices of meats, his final resting place the unassembled contents of his sandwich of doom.
Obviously I had a lot of time to think about this scenario while I was waiting on line.
– Reid Kerr doesn’t advocate deli counter violence against strangers, unless you can get away with it.
For those of you looking for some extra comedy in your daily diet, I’m doing a wine review column for Project Shanks.com. And as some of you know, I didn’t actually drink any alcohol until I was forty, so bear in mind that everything I taste goes down pretty awful. Check it out.
#1: Grand Opening, where I say things like “chemotherapy cocktail,” “starter kit for winos,” “Norm Peterson’s liver,” and “passing a demon rectally.”
#2: Second Helpings, in which I use the descriptions “Windex,” “Angry Clown Face,” “bug repellent,” “drunken sorority girl from Birmingham on her last Spring Break to Daytona,” and “unemployed boyfriend.”
My unofficial official Super Bowl XLVIII Timeline:
6:00am, Central Standard Time, Super Bowl Sunday – Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, which means six more years of losing seasons for the Cleveland Browns.
5:03pm - In the pregame, FOX’s broadcast team discusses the best ways to beat Peyton Manning. Number one on their list? “Play against him in a Super Bowl.”
5:18pm - Both teams are introduced by a leather-skinned Kurt Russell, who played Snake Plissken in “Escape From New York.” Just to remind everyone of what a great image New York has on film, I guess.
5:21pm - Renee Fleming sings the National Anthem. Knowshon Moreno does not cry. The oddsmakers take a beating again.
5:28pm – The coin flip is made by Super Bowl III MVP Joe Namath, who appears to be wearing the pelt of Sasquatch.
5:30pm - The Super Bowl begins, brought to you by Rob Riggle, and also James Franco as Rob Riggle. And possibly Joe Buck as Rob Riggle, too. And fantasy football, of course.
5:33pm - Denver takes the opening kickoff. In a marketing tie-in, Trindon Holliday is brought down by Daft Punk.
5:34pm - On the first play, the center snap sails over Peyton Manning’s head, making the first score of the game a safety. People who like to make weird longshot wagers rush right out to buy a boat with their winnings.
5:42pm - Seahawks coach Pete Carroll challenges the spot on a run by Russell Wilson. Since it’s the Super Bowl, Carroll initiates the challenge by driving a Maserati to midfield and throwing out a cold bottle of Bud Light. Seattle goes up 5-0.
5:50pm - Seattle somehow gets a late hit penalty on a kick that goes out of the back of the end zone, which is like getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty during the halftime show.
6:07pm - A Seattle field goal makes it 8-0. This week’s stats for Marshawn Lynch so far, 5 carries, 6 yards, 7 words spoken.
6:12pm - So far, Denver’s offensive possessions have ended in a safety, a three-and-out, and an interception. The Broncos offense is running so poorly, it’s like we’re trying to log onto it and get health care.
6:24pm - Seattle leads 15-0. John Elway begins to warm up and take snaps on the sideline for Denver.
6:29pm - Our long national nightmare ends, as Denver gets their initial first down of the game.
6:32pm - Wes Welker catches a pass for a first down. Somewhere near Boston, Bill Belichick swears and throws his shoe at the television.
6:38pm - Peyton Manning’s arm gets hit as he throws and Seattle runs the interception back for a touchdown and a 22-0 lead. Bruno Mars begins to warm up and take snaps on the sideline for Denver.
6:54pm - Denver’s next possession ends in a fourth-down incomplete pass, and the Broncos wind up shut out in the first half. Seattle has gone six quarters against the Manning family in Metlife Stadium without giving up a point.
7:09pm - The halftime show begins, and so does America’s favorite activity, complaining about the halftime show.
7:10pm - Bruno Mars starts the halftime show with a drum solo. Because there’s nothing casual music fans love more than a drum solo. Maybe next time he could also do something else most people don’t appreciate, like play kazoo.
7:17pm - The Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Give It Away,” which is not only a classic song, but also apparently the Denver game plan for the first half.
7:22pm - Bruno Mars’ show concludes as Metlife Stadium lights up with fireworks. Apparently they had been saving all of those to celebrate when the Broncos scored, and just decided to go ahead and use them.
7:31pm - The second half begins with the score Seattle 22, Seattle Defense 9, Denver 0.
7:32pm - After the kickoff, the Broncos have now also been outscored by the Seattle special teams. This is a throwback Super Bowl, since the Broncos are playing like an AFC team circa 1985-1997.
7:40pm - Two commercials in, we all realize Tim Tebow is having a much better Super Bowl than Peyton Manning.
7:55pm - Demaryius Thomas turns it over, because…well, it’s been about an hour, so it’s time for that.
8:02pm - Denver’s defense takes a holiday from tackling, and Jermaine Kearse pinballs around to make it 36-0. This game is almost a hate crime.
8:15pm - Denver finally scores, taking an 8-0 lead over the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
8:36pm - FOX brings in Jack Bauer to play quarterback for the Broncos.
– Reid Kerr’s comedy novel, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape,” is now available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.com.
A good life is like riding the bus. It requires change for you to actually get anywhere.
My doctor said I need more fiber in my diet, so today I got my footlong Subway meatball sandwich on wicker.
The answers are easy. You just have to figure out which questions they go with.
Guys, here’s some advice. When the Playboy centerfolds were born after you graduated high school, it’s time to move on.
I diet just so I won’t wind up as one of the headless rounded torsos they always show on the news whenever they report the new obesity statistics. I don’t want to be your b-roll.
Why are there no superheroes with sexually-transmitted powers? If a radioactive spider can rewrite Peter Parker’s DNA, I’d imagine anyone having sex with Bruce Banner has a pretty good chance to wake up green and angry.
Wrist tattoos look like hastily scrawled suicide notes.
My favorite part of Saturday Night Live is where they introduce the musical guest I’ve never heard of, and I spend the next four minutes trying to figure out what commercial I’ve heard their song on.
Due to budgetary reasons, I’m having to scale things back a bit. From now on, it’s only every OTHER day I’ll be shufflin’, shufflin’. Please adjust your schedules accordingly.
Even Morris Day gets lonely sometimes. That’s one of those things I found written in an old notebook and I have no idea why, but I like it too much to throw it away.
If I read your name in my Facebook feed and the first memory that leaps to mind is of you not being smart enough in high school to a) pass an algebra test or b) operate a beer bong correctly, please do us both a favor and lay off the in-depth political analysis, Jethro.
My wife owns a VW Beetle convertible. Or as I refer to it, “Hitler’s final revenge.”
Dear mid-40’s white guy behind me in the Toyota Avalon rapping along with the radio at the tip of your lungs at the stoplight…thank you. You have entertained me in ways you can scarcely imagine.
My two favorite places to eat after midnight are Whataburger, and standing in my kitchen naked. And Whataburger is #1 by a wide margin.
– Reid Kerr’s first novel, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.com.
Big news from my house, my first book, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is out now from Biting Dog Press. You can find the book here, with links to buy it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
It’s a dream come true for me, and hopefully the first of many. Hope you guys enjoy it. If you’re a reader of this blog (or my FB or Twitter), thank you so much for encouraging my behavior all these years. Check it out.
I was added by a stranger on Facebook last night, and I almost immediately got a message from them. Seemed like a typical spambot, and I occasionally amuse myself by spewing gibberish at them. However, I realized there was an actual person on the other side of this conversation, trying desperately to scam me into doing something. I kept them on the line for about four hours, which I consider public service. Here’s the text of our conversation.
Disclaimer: All of this conversation really happened.
Spammy McSpamster (not the real name): Hello, how are you doing hope all is well with you over there i wonder if you have heard about the good news yet?
Reid Kerr (my actual real name): Spammy McSpamster, I’ve got good news hanging out of my rectum right now. Thanks!
Spammy McSpamster: Am so happy today because I got $150,000 cash from the poverty eradication organization. They gave me the money for a hearing,deaf,hoh support. I wonder if you get your money yet because I saw your name on their winners list and I ask, they told me they will bring money to you too.have you getting yours yet?
Reid Kerr: I haven’t gotten mine yet! Where do I sign? Do you think I could get mine in rolls of change? It makes it easier to hide it from the government.
Spammy McSpamster: You wil have to contact the delivery agent right now for you to claim your money too
Reid: How do I contact him? I don’t have a phone right now. I threw mine at a pederast at a truck stop last weekend, and I haven’t replaced it yet because I’m waiting to hear from my oral surgeon. He owes me money from a botched teeth filing.
Spammy McSpamster: i think you should contact the agent follow this link (removed) or via email to claim your funds his email is (removed) you can text him (removed).
Reid: I’d love to email him, but I got a virus last week that fills all of my emails with homoerotic fan fiction about the cast of “C.H.I.P.s.” what should I do?
Spammy McSpamster: You can add him on FB…Just click on the link and add him up right now. message that you heard about him from me and you are told that you are eligible to get the on going funds offer , so you are contacting him to help and claim yours too so he should help you out and tell you what to do
Reid: Are you sure he’ll add me? I had a close family friend tell me recently that my Facebook picture makes me look like a man who’s been half-eaten by owls. I don’t want to scare him off! Also, I don’t like wearing pants.
Spammy McSpamster: Yes he will accept..Just add him up right now
Reid: Should I do it right now? I usually like to think big decisions through, ever since I invested in that nightclub that turned out to just be a front for a gay cat smuggling ring.
Spammy McSpamster: You have to do that right now because the delivery agent is online now..He is a very kind and honest man. (Later…) Did you get it yet ?
Reid: Not yet, are you sure he’s honest? I had a bad experience once trusting a guy who wound up stealing all my carpet. I only deal with fine upstanding Christian men, preferably who wear ties and visors.
Spammy McSpamster: He is a honest man
Reid: Outstanding. Is he tall? I never trust men who are too tall. They tend to put their gum in my hair. I think the perfect height for a man is 5’7″. I’ll add him on Facebook shortly, right after I finishing shaving my nether regions.
Spammy McSpamster: Contact him now so that he can get back to you asap
Reid: Absolutely! Do I need a bank account for this? Right now most of my portfolio is tied up in overseas stocks and Arby’s coupons. Also, I can’t find my pants. I think the wombat is wearing them again.
Spammy McSpamster: Not at all..You will have to fill out a form so that they can location your destination..They will deliver you your money at your money door step
Reid: Ah, well if that just isn’t the widow’s tit! Spammy McSpamster, you’re solving my problems as fast as I can make them up! One problem though, due to a misunderstanding with Americard International, my door was recently repossessed. Could I have the money sent to another address that I could pick up? Perhaps my neighbor, or the massage parlor behind your mother’s house? Thanks!
Spammy McSpamster: Yes…You can do that but just make sure you follow their instruction so that they won’t deliver your money to another perosn
Reid: Oh, I would hate that! I really don’t like other people. I’m sure you know how it goes. One minute you’re the best of friends and neighbors, and the next thing you wake up in a hot tub bleeding, and someone has taken your dog and stolen your fireplace. Are these instructions complicated? I can read Farsi if that helps, although I certainly don’t speak it very well. I tried to ask for hummus once in an Indian restaurant, and I accidentally had a man follow me back to my hotel room to give me a footbath. He was a nice fellow though. Ten toes, although not the same number on each foot.
Spammy McSpamster: Ried i told you the man is a very kind and honest man…So you will have to contact him for you to get the fund
Reid: Oh, of course! I’ll contact him on Facebook as soon as the sores heal. What was his name again?
Spammy McSpamster: Jack Graham..Just click on the link i give you and add him up
Reid: Will do! I’ll be glad to add Mr. Jack Grammy. Will I need to show a drivers license? I haven’t had one since I was the lead car in the Christmas parade back in 2004, and I got hit by that flying turd.
Spammy McSpamster: Not at all
Reid: How soon will we meet? I need to catch a bus downtown for my weekly exorcism.
Spammy McSpamster: As soon as you get your money (Later…) Have you contact him yet ?
Reid: Contacted who yet?
Spammy McSpamster: the delivery agent ? Jack Graham
Reid: I will here shortly. I’m on my cell phone, and it’s not safe for me to contact pizza delivery people unless I’m on a landline. The last time I tried I was savagely beaten by an Episcopalian vagabond. Dreadful fellow, although he had the stride of a man half his age. Quite the shame what happened to him in that combine accident. I’ll add your friend Scott here in a few minutes.
Spammy McSpamster: Jack
Reid: Oh, dreadfully sorry to get the name wrong. That name reminds me of my friend Scott Grammy, who was unjustly accused of defecating from a traffic helicopter back in 2008. I wonder if they’re any relation? Have you ever met Mr. Jack?
Spammy McSpamster: Yes. they deliver me my money at my home door step
Reid: How much did you get? Cash? Any nipple rings?
Spammy McSpamster: Cash. 150,000$
Reid: Heavens! Where would I put all that money? I don’t even have any pants.
Spammy McSpamster: You will surely get your money as soon as you contact the agent
Reid: Is Jack Graham the agent? Or will he get me in touch with the agent? Or am I the agent? If I were, I certainly think I’d know it, my good man. Burrito?
Spammy McSpamster: Yes..Jack Graham is the agent in charge of your money
Reid: I sent it. I think. I clicked on the link, and my screen went dark and I got a very painful erection. When will we become friends?
And with that, the spammer’s shift apparently ended.
– Reid Kerr is well aware he’s a jackass sometimes, but enjoys having fun at the expense of criminals.
Travelling to Cincinnati today, I knew I wasn’t going to make it all in one trip, so I decided I’d just pull over and grab a cheap motel, sleep a few hours, and get back out there.
As usual, I started looking for a place to pull over and eat, and also find a motel about six hours before I actually did it. For some reason, I am never able to just pull the damn car over and eat. I’ve always got to keep going, keep pushing it, on to the next town where there will definitely be something better waiting on me. That gambit is successful about 0.02% of the time, the rest of my attempts end with me ordering something from a drive-through at a joint where the lobby is closed, or getting something that’s semi-preserved at a gas station.
On this particular night, I ate royally. Burger King. I did get to try their new “Satis-Fries,” though, which weren’t that bad. They’re certainly not as “Terri-Frying” as their old fries, which are quite balls nasty.
Anyway, after eating my usual bag of crap, I saw a sign for a Days Inn, with room rates less than forty dollars.
I should explain first. I’m not exactly a dainty traveller. I don’t give a crap about amenities, or cable TV, or extra furniture, or anything else. If I could rent a hammock and sleep eight hours safely in the parking lot and leave, I’d do it. I’m not afraid of roughing it, and I need no luxuries.
However, this place was a bit below a “lack of luxury,” and firmly in the “tenement” stage. This is the kind of motel you stay in when you’re expecting a guest from Craigslist.
Walking to my room, I noticed the pool was closed. Not unusual, since it’s October, but it looked like it had been closed after some science experiment had gone horribly wrong. It was more like a lagoon, the kind of green, thick swamp that no one swims in, and eventually scary muck-monsters come climbing out of in search of human flesh, and the have to call in the cops and the Marines and the Justice League to stop them.
I got to my room, which was the kind of place where you didn’t feel comfortable setting your bags down, much less yourself. Worse yet, it smelled. Not like someone had smoked in there, but like someone had rented the room, loaded lumber in the bathroom for eight hours, and then used the carpet to dry the sweat off of his body.
If armpits had assholes, that’s what this place would look like.
So now, I have the choice of fighting for a better room for forty bucks and seven hours, or just going to sleep and trying to make it work. I’m going to do the latter, although I am sleeping in my clothes, and looking for whatever the opposite of a “Breathe-Right” strip is.
I’m also wearing a condom just in case.
– Reid Kerr thanks the woman letting her kids play at the pool outside his window, even though they’re not wearing swim trunks or swimming, and appear to just be running back and forth screaming and punching each other at 1am.