This is something I’m going to try and do more often: post a collection of all the random thoughts floating around in my head/my phone.

Have you ever had that moment when you’re not in a big enough hurry to ask to cut in front of someone in the express lane, but just enough to stand there displaying your single pack of bread like a new baby?

“Why don’t you cut in front of us? You only have one thing…”

“Oh, really? Thank you!”

Internally: “SUCCESS.”

****

It is cold and hot at the same time, without being in-between. Like, the cold air is stinging my exposed skin, and yet I’m sweating under my winter clothes. The Midwest keeps inventing new kinds of weather.

I’m going to end up like those mountain climbers who lose it and start paradoxically stripping off all of their clothes, except in a CVS parking lot.

****

When they say, “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”, does that apply to everyone with a PhD?

****

Awkward Grocery Store Situation #1: When you’ve got a 2-for-1 coupon on toilet paper that expires soon, and you also happen to be out of Raisin Bran.

(Might as well get your money’s worth, am I right?)

****

When I get really tired, I’m like one of those talking dolls that repeats a handful of phrases.

Somebody: Oh, it’s starting to rain outside.

Me: OK!

*Somebody taps me on the shoulder*

Me: Thank you!

Somebody: Cantaloupes are 1.99 here.

Me: I don’t understand.

****

It seems like, if “folks {were} linin’ up outside” the Love Shack, that would make the whole loving aspect pretty awkward.

*Knock, knock, knock* “Hey, are you guys almost done in there? We’re waiting!”

****

Whichever scientist named the “bird-eating spider” must have been in some sort of competition for the freakiest name possible. (Probably with the one who named the “jumping spider”, actually.)