I was added by a stranger on Facebook last night, and I almost immediately got a message from them. Seemed like a typical spambot, and I occasionally amuse myself by spewing gibberish at them. However, I realized there was an actual person on the other side of this conversation, trying desperately to scam me into doing something. I kept them on the line for about four hours, which I consider public service. Here’s the text of our conversation.
Come on, LOOK at me. Do I look like I have anything better to do than make fun of spammers? Nope.
Disclaimer: All of this conversation really happened.
Spammy McSpamster (not the real name): Hello, how are you doing hope all is well with you over there i wonder if you have heard about the good news yet?
Reid Kerr (my actual real name): Spammy McSpamster, I’ve got good news hanging out of my rectum right now. Thanks!
Spammy McSpamster: Am so happy today because I got $150,000 cash from the poverty eradication organization. They gave me the money for a hearing,deaf,hoh support. I wonder if you get your money yet because I saw your name on their winners list and I ask, they told me they will bring money to you too.have you getting yours yet?
Reid Kerr: I haven’t gotten mine yet! Where do I sign? Do you think I could get mine in rolls of change? It makes it easier to hide it from the government.
Spammy McSpamster: You wil have to contact the delivery agent right now for you to claim your money too
Reid: How do I contact him? I don’t have a phone right now. I threw mine at a pederast at a truck stop last weekend, and I haven’t replaced it yet because I’m waiting to hear from my oral surgeon. He owes me money from a botched teeth filing.
Spammy McSpamster: i think you should contact the agent follow this link (removed) or via email to claim your funds his email is (removed) you can text him (removed).
Reid: I’d love to email him, but I got a virus last week that fills all of my emails with homoerotic fan fiction about the cast of “C.H.I.P.s.” what should I do?
Spammy McSpamster: You can add him on FB…Just click on the link and add him up right now. message that you heard about him from me and you are told that you are eligible to get the on going funds offer , so you are contacting him to help and claim yours too so he should help you out and tell you what to do
Reid: Are you sure he’ll add me? I had a close family friend tell me recently that my Facebook picture makes me look like a man who’s been half-eaten by owls. I don’t want to scare him off! Also, I don’t like wearing pants.
Spammy McSpamster: Yes he will accept..Just add him up right now
Reid: Should I do it right now? I usually like to think big decisions through, ever since I invested in that nightclub that turned out to just be a front for a gay cat smuggling ring.
Spammy McSpamster: You have to do that right now because the delivery agent is online now..He is a very kind and honest man. (Later…) Did you get it yet ?
Reid: Not yet, are you sure he’s honest? I had a bad experience once trusting a guy who wound up stealing all my carpet. I only deal with fine upstanding Christian men, preferably who wear ties and visors.
Spammy McSpamster: He is a honest man
Reid: Outstanding. Is he tall? I never trust men who are too tall. They tend to put their gum in my hair. I think the perfect height for a man is 5’7″. I’ll add him on Facebook shortly, right after I finishing shaving my nether regions.
Spammy McSpamster: Contact him now so that he can get back to you asap
Reid: Absolutely! Do I need a bank account for this? Right now most of my portfolio is tied up in overseas stocks and Arby’s coupons. Also, I can’t find my pants. I think the wombat is wearing them again.
Spammy McSpamster: Not at all..You will have to fill out a form so that they can location your destination..They will deliver you your money at your money door step
Reid: Ah, well if that just isn’t the widow’s tit! Spammy McSpamster, you’re solving my problems as fast as I can make them up! One problem though, due to a misunderstanding with Americard International, my door was recently repossessed. Could I have the money sent to another address that I could pick up? Perhaps my neighbor, or the massage parlor behind your mother’s house? Thanks!
Spammy McSpamster: Yes…You can do that but just make sure you follow their instruction so that they won’t deliver your money to another perosn
Reid: Oh, I would hate that! I really don’t like other people. I’m sure you know how it goes. One minute you’re the best of friends and neighbors, and the next thing you wake up in a hot tub bleeding, and someone has taken your dog and stolen your fireplace. Are these instructions complicated? I can read Farsi if that helps, although I certainly don’t speak it very well. I tried to ask for hummus once in an Indian restaurant, and I accidentally had a man follow me back to my hotel room to give me a footbath. He was a nice fellow though. Ten toes, although not the same number on each foot.
Spammy McSpamster: Ried i told you the man is a very kind and honest man…So you will have to contact him for you to get the fund
Reid: Oh, of course! I’ll contact him on Facebook as soon as the sores heal. What was his name again?
Spammy McSpamster: Jack Graham..Just click on the link i give you and add him up
Reid: Will do! I’ll be glad to add Mr. Jack Grammy. Will I need to show a drivers license? I haven’t had one since I was the lead car in the Christmas parade back in 2004, and I got hit by that flying turd.
Spammy McSpamster: Not at all
Reid: How soon will we meet? I need to catch a bus downtown for my weekly exorcism.
Spammy McSpamster: As soon as you get your money (Later…) Have you contact him yet ?
Reid: Contacted who yet?
Spammy McSpamster: the delivery agent ? Jack Graham
Reid: I will here shortly. I’m on my cell phone, and it’s not safe for me to contact pizza delivery people unless I’m on a landline. The last time I tried I was savagely beaten by an Episcopalian vagabond. Dreadful fellow, although he had the stride of a man half his age. Quite the shame what happened to him in that combine accident. I’ll add your friend Scott here in a few minutes.
Spammy McSpamster: Jack
Reid: Oh, dreadfully sorry to get the name wrong. That name reminds me of my friend Scott Grammy, who was unjustly accused of defecating from a traffic helicopter back in 2008. I wonder if they’re any relation? Have you ever met Mr. Jack?
Spammy McSpamster: Yes. they deliver me my money at my home door step
Reid: How much did you get? Cash? Any nipple rings?
Spammy McSpamster: Cash. 150,000$
Reid: Heavens! Where would I put all that money? I don’t even have any pants.
Spammy McSpamster: You will surely get your money as soon as you contact the agent
Reid: Is Jack Graham the agent? Or will he get me in touch with the agent? Or am I the agent? If I were, I certainly think I’d know it, my good man. Burrito?
Spammy McSpamster: Yes..Jack Graham is the agent in charge of your money
Reid: I sent it. I think. I clicked on the link, and my screen went dark and I got a very painful erection. When will we become friends?
And with that, the spammer’s shift apparently ended.
– Reid Kerr is well aware he’s a jackass sometimes, but enjoys having fun at the expense of criminals.