As I’ve proven before (evidence here), there are some days I literally have nothing to do other than sit around and jack with spammers who are trying to do the same to me. I was recently friended on Facebook by a classic fake account, pretty girl, one picture, no friends in common. I was ready for almost anything, and they didn’t disappoint. Apparently, this one account was used by a whole pile of spam douchenozzles, since they kept coming back to me days and days later without realizing they had already tried.
Disclaimer: All of these things really happened.
Spammy O’Spammerson: hello how you doing and how is your family and friends.
Reid Kerr: Great! And you? How’s your pets and neighbors?
Spammy: how is your day and how is the weather over there
Reid: The weather is wonderful! No snow, but it’s as wet as Aquaman’s underpants. How are you?
Spammy: im doing good
Reid: That’s great! My granddad always said it was better to be doing good than feeling good or looking good or going good, and we wound up electing him to Congress before the scandal about the Cool Whip lobbyist and the Great Dane.
Spammy: woow that’s good to hear
Do you have time to talk
Reid: Oh, absolutely! That sounds like more fun than what I was going to do today, I had planned to go down to the park and feed the ducks to the homeless.
Spammy: ok and where is your state
Reid: I’m in Kentucky. Northern part. Right up here where Jack Daniels took most of his lovers. Geographically, I mean, not in terms of positions. And where are you from?
Spammy: well im in ghana
have you ever been in ghana befoere
Reid: Not that I’m aware of.
Spammy: ok and how
Spammy: hello there and how you doing
Reid: I am doing well! And how are you doing things?
Spammy: well doing good too
Reid: Good! And how are things going for you this time?
Spammy: all is good here
Reid: All is good here! All the time!
Spammy: and how are your famile again
Reid: They are again good! And yours?!?
Spammy: well i live alone
Reid: That must be fun. No one can eat your leftovers.
Spammy: well been dirvoced
Reid: Good for you! Best investment I ever made. I got one of those lawyers from the TV commercials that drives a tank to handle mine.
Spammy: is hi a friend
Reid: He’s a great friend! We go fishing a couple of times a year, up on Lake WannaLikkaShlong. We fish for seabass, orca, trout, things like that.
Spammy: i wish i where there
Reid: You’d love it there. The mountains in the distance by the incinerator piles really light up at night.
and did you have a pic of your friend
are you with me
(hours go by)
Reid: Yes, and you?
Spammy: well am doing dood
nice talking to you again
Reid: And me too!
Spammy: you are more much welcome
where do you live
Reid: I am from Cincinnati, currently. But I moved here from Fungus, New Mexico. It’s beautiful there. The summers are so mild you can make salsa right in your mailbox. Where are you from?
how old are you
Reid: I am 37. I can always remember that because I share a birthday with Bo Peep. How old are you?
Reid: I am married to a wonderful woman! Her name is Inga, and she is my soulmate. We share a single heart, eyebrow, and soul. We have three kids, once of each. Are you married?
Spammy: What do U do for work?
Reid: I’m a malefactory engineer, I work down at Cincinnati Amalgamated Refuse. What do you do for a living?
Spammy: I stay home and take care of my sick mother.
Reid: Good! Modern medicine is doing wonderful things these days with snotgrafts, Glad she’s doing better!
(the next day)
Spammy: hello thank you for accepting my invitation thank you
Spammy: coment are you?
Reid: I am coment fine! How are things on you?
Spammy: yes of me is jenifer you?
Reid: Very much! I am of Jennifer very.
Spammy: How old are you? what do you do beautiful in life? you have children? you love what’s beautiful? you’re single for how long?
Reid: I’m 27, single all my life and living it! I sleep under a bridge, no kids, just a chicken. How about you?
Spammy: I a girl of 7 years
Reid: Can you drive a car?
Spammy: yes of course requests and why you think that?
Reid: You said you were 7 years.
Spammy: I am the caps you?
Reid: Caps? Of course! And you?
Spammy: I do hairstyle
Reid: Cool. I usually have hair. What’s your favorite fruit? I like the tambourine.
Spammy: I like orange
Reid: Delicious! Also a good color. Grapes should just be called purples. Except for the green ones, I mean. Those should only be taken rectally.
Spammy: ok you live alone?
Reid: Yes, ever since the fumigation. Do you?
Spammy: I life with my daughter. that you are looking for here?
Reid: I are looking for things that here are usually found on not the way.
Spammy: I am a woman such a little reserved intelligent single comprehensive open to other shy tolérantes- very good cook I support in difficult times and other moments of joy and would love to meet you and talk with you a dialogue further…
Reid: That sounds wonderful to meet! I have plenty of room under the bridge. Where do you living?
Spammy: in canada but I sent Ivory Coast with my daughter and you?
Reid: I’m in Montana. The state that means well. Is that too far away to meet for dinner? I’m already defrosting some wildebeest steaks for you.
Spammy: ok what do you do in life?
Reid: I’m a pallbearer. And you?
Spammy: I do hair and tell me what you like in a woman?
Reid: I like a woman to have hair, definitely. In some places more than others. What color is your hairs?
Spammy: You see (sends obviously fake pic)
Reid: Ah, that’s nice. is that a Vera Schlong dress? Very pretty. Burrito.
Spammy: yes i do
Reid: So what are you looking for?
Spammy: I look for a man with whom make my living
Reid: So some guy who’ll just pay you to style his hair?
Spammy: you speak of?
Reid: Verily, I speak thereof. Hair for the future. The hair up there.
Spammy: you talk about that in the end because I do it’s more what you tell me
(finally looks at my Facebook account)
Spammy: but I do not understand you then you called me not all the truth about you I see that you are 45 and you being married but you called me contrais everything I saw there????
Reid: This is my brother’s account. He’s undercover with Shield. I’m not supposed to talk about it.
Spammy: but tell me and you, you do not have a Facebook account
Reid: No. I have a MySpace, though.
And finally, they gave up.
– Reid Kerr owes a Nigerian prince money. You can find his first book, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape,” on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com, or if you’ve already purchased it, in your hand.