Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” a statutory anthem

22nd May 2018 by admin No Comments

Yeah, the sleeveless staring? That doesn’t help this NOT be creepy, Boss.

I wrote about Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” a little while back as a fine example of something from your youth that you used to enjoy, but now if you actually listen to it, it raises some questions. I listened to that song for almost thirty years, and only recently realized that a girl who carries used condoms around in her pocket should probably be avoided.

Another one of those moments popped up yesterday, as the great shuffle feature brought up Bruce Springsteen’s 1985 song “I’m On Fire.”

“Hey little girl is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone?”

For the rest of the song Springsteen continues to talk about how this girl makes him all sweaty, as her forbidden fruit makes his loins tingle.

So what are we to assume here? Is this a song about a guy trying to pick up an underage girl? An ode to statutory rape?

This one might be easy to just ignore, except just two songs earlier on the album was “Working On The Highway,” a song clearly about a guy busting rocks on the highway because of his underage lusts. That song was originally titled “Child Bride,” by the way. This subject material isn’t out of the ordinary, it’s already appeared on the same side of the album.

So there are two interpretations here as I see them. Springsteen’s song could be about an actual underage girl, and he could be macking the big-time perv on her.

The alternative? Bruce was puling a Barney Stinson, and running the old “Daddy’s Home” routine.

— Reid Kerr has also noticed you can easily sing “Froggy Went A’Courtin'” over this song, and it fits perfectly.

The Great Divide: Romantic Comedies vs. Porn

25th January 2018 by admin No Comments

Oh, no! They’re bickering! How will they ever realize they’re in love?

Why aren’t we happy in our relationships anymore? Why is the divorce rate so high?

I blame our modern-day unrealistic expectations, myself.

My long-standing theory has been that as bad as pornography is for men and their expectations of adult relationships, romantic comedies and romance novels are worse for women. Both create an image of the way things should be in a relationship, and both are almost completely false.

Quick example. I love the commercial where the guy on a bus sees a pretty girl riding another bus, then whips out his phone to change his ticket so he can meet her. Wonderful. Now, two total strangers with nothing in common but superficial attraction have derailed their days and locked themselves into a city bus in hopes of finding something to talk about with a pretty person.

Her: “Hi there. I was on my way to a pro-choice rally, and had to stop to talk to you.”
Him: “Hey you. I’m an abortion clinic bomber. Wanna grab a coffee?”

There was a movie out a few years ago with Diane Lane and John Cusack as two people who couldn’t find anyone to go out with, and wound up together. Think of the special effects it would take to make you believe that Diane Lane and John Cusack would be sitting around their houses on Saturday night playing Scrabble because they have trouble finding dates.

Yeah, if these two people can’t get laid, there’s no hope for the rest of us.

Reality For Guys:
— The pizza delivery girl is not going to let you tip her with hot loving.
— In the hospital, “head nurse” is a title awarded solely on seniority and nursing skill.
— When your girlfriend invites a friend over to the house, you are the only one in the house thinking what you’re thinking.
— Real-life lesbians do not wear lingerie. They wear loose-fitting flannel to sleep in. And they don’t care at all that you’d love to see them make out, don’t even bother to ask.

Reality For Women:
— Pirates were not nice guys. They had leathery skin and smelled of fish constantly.
— Castles were dark, damp places that permanently smelled of old food and piss. And I’ll tell you right now, British people and proper dental care go together like fish and deserts. Any fantasy you have of being taken by the Lord of a Manor, downgrade immediately.
— A guy who loves you enough to stand at the end of your driveway with a radio over his head, blaring your song at 3am, is not a sweet, lovable imp. He’s a stalker, and the next step is him breaking into your house and boiling your bunny.
— For that matter, whenever you see something in a movie that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you think “I wish I had someone like that,” stop a moment. If the guy doing the sweet thing didn’t look like John Cusack, and looked more like Andy Dick, would it still be something desirable?

— Reid Kerr is always disappointed when he shops for a mattress, and the saleswoman doesn’t offer a tryout.

The NFL By The Numbers

9th November 2017 by admin No Comments

My new NFL/humor column is out at ETFinalScore.com, check it out here. I break down the NFL season by the numbers, including things like…

15 – Number of players who have quit on the Giants. Don’t worry though; it’s only the ones responsible for tackling and catching passes.


Trick or Trout

6th November 2017 by admin No Comments

We got hit pretty hard for Halloween this year. I had to give that last kid two cough drops and a potato.

NFL Trade Deadline Winners & Losers

2nd November 2017 by admin No Comments

This week for the Tyler Morning Telegraph, I pick winners and losers at the NFL Trade Deadline, including…

Winner: Tyrod Taylor. The Bills quarterback finally has a weapon, after spending the whole season throwing to players like “Whatshisname,” “That Guy,” and “Picture Not Available.”
Loser: The Browns. Spoiler Alert: It’s always the Browns.

All that plus predictions on tonight’s game, Jerry Jones, and a Buttfumble reference. Check it out.


27th October 2017 by admin No Comments

I don’t really drink coffee so I never know what to order at Starbucks. I just ordered the Vanilla Blonde Roast, because I really like all three of those separately.

Getting a Do-Over on This NFL Season

15th October 2017 by admin No Comments

My humor column for the Tyler Morning Telegraph newspaper is up now, featuring my picks for NFL Week Six. In it, you’ll find semi-insightful commentary like…

Tampa Bay (-1.5) at Arizona: Adrian Peterson is the new Emmitt Smith. And by that I mean he’s a Hall of Fame running back whose last year in Arizona will be completely forgotten.
Pick: Bucs to win and cover, winning by two or more.

Check it out, kids. As always, no wagering.

The Accidental Wedding

14th October 2017 by admin No Comments

Dropped in to a local pub with some friends after the show this afternoon. It’s four on a Saturday, and suddenly we hear a saxophone playing “Careless Whisper.” Turns out there was an impromptu wedding there. Even though the couple wasn’t technically getting married, they still had a bar ceremony. Bizarre? Absolutely, but these are the kinds of things that happen in my life, my friends.

By the way, the couples first dance song? A solo saxophone rendition of the Scorpions “Still Loving You.” It fit perfectly.

For those of you who remember last year’s#Kerricane2016, this comes almost a year to the day from when we saw a bar-top-dancing bride almost get decapitated by a ceiling fan on Anna Maria Island. It’s always an adventure.

The College Football Face or “The Surrender Cobra”

24th September 2017 by admin No Comments

My absolute favorite thing about college football TV broadcasts? The reaction shot of the stunned college student with his hands on his head.
I back up the DVR and watch them again every single time. Welcome to life, kids.


23rd September 2017 by admin No Comments

Early morning Habitat For Humanity. I hope there’s an open bar. If not, that’s the first thing we should build.

#habitatforhumanity #goals #forwardthinking #forwarddrinking

NFL: Best and Worst of Week Two

21st September 2017 by admin No Comments

My column is up at ETFinalScore.com, with semi-insightful commentary like “San Francisco’s Brian Hoyer is somehow the 35th ranked quarterback in the league, which is like saying Oklahoma is your 57th favorite state.”

Check it out, kids.

The Deli Trash Bash

19th September 2017 by admin No Comments

McAllisters Deli, I love you, but we’ve got to talk. You need to find some way to store all the food for your catering orders that doesn’t scream “New York City Garbage Workers Strike, Day 34.