NFL Week Three: Brown Out, Overreactions, and the Week In Picks

21st September 2018 by admin No Comments

Our long national nightmare is over. The Cleveland Browns are winners again.

It was just one game, sure. And it was against the Jets, that’s a fair point. But come on, if you’re not entertained by the entire city of Cleveland celebrating like they just won the last battle in “Independence Day,” what more could you want out of life?

For my friends who are Browns fans, congratulations, enjoy your celebrations, and please don’t drive anywhere until you sober up, which will probably be in mid-October.

And for my friends who are Pittsburgh Steelers fans, you are now in sole possession of last place in the AFC North.

OVERREACTING TO THE OVERREACTIONS

After one week of NFL games, the airwaves are awash in overreactions. Now that we’re two weeks in, the pictures start to get a little bit clearer.

After Week One: The Browns are much better.
After Week Two: The Browns MVP this year may be whoever knocked out Tyrod Taylor.

After Week One: The Cowboys made a mistake cutting Dan Bailey.
After Week Two: So did about half the league by not calling him immediately.

After Week One: Tampa QB Ryan Fitzpatrick just had a lucky game.
After Week Two: Fitzpatrick is making us wonder if you can be Comeback Player of the Year even if you never actually went anywhere.

After Week One: We still don’t know what a catch is.
After Week Two: We don’t know what roughing the quarterback is, either.

After Week One: Josh Gordon is back with a touchdown!
After Week Two: Josh Gordon is back with a U-Haul to carry that emotional baggage around.

After Week One: Khalil Mack might be the defensive player of the year again.
After Week Two: Khalil Mack might be a demogorgon.

After Week One: Matt Patricia has already lost control of the Lions.
After Week Two: That, except after two weeks.

After Week One: DeShaun Watson was overrated.
After Week Two: DeShaun Watson has played better, but winning in Houston is like getting snow there. It’s quite rare and never lasts long.

After Week One: The Giants offensive line is bad.
After Week Two: The Giants offensive line is now even worse.

After Week One: Sam Darnold is the rookie of the year.
After Week Two: Sam Darnold is a quarterback for the Jets, and should be judged accordingly.

After Week One: The Bills are the worst team in the league.
After Week Two: The Bills are the worst team in the history of teams.

We’ll reevaluate after week three.

WELCOME ABOARD!

Before we go on, I’d like to give a hearty welcome to our new intern, Jameis Winston.

Winston is serving a three-game suspension and has to watch while Ryan Fitzpatrick turns into a better quarterback, leader, interview subject, and Uber passenger.

Winston did text the Tampa Bay receiving corps after the Eagles game to tell them :Awesome game!” Although I’m sure at least one responded with “New phone, who dis?”

WEEK TWO BEST AND WORST

Best: Patrick Mahomes. And anyone who played him on their fantasy teams last week.

Worst: Every kicker. Every single one of them. Let that be a lesson for Cleveland, you can’t give your kicker Johnny Manziel’s number and expect it to end well.

THE WEEK THREE PICKS:

In week two, I forgot several things I know to be true.
1) The Patriots don’t need to win in September
2) The Giants offensive line is quite offensive.
3) Arizona only competes when their quarterback is over the age of 33.

I went 2-4 last week against the spread and also straight up. After two weeks, I am a paltry 6-7-1, and 5-9 against Vegas. It has to get better this week though, since retiring at halftime isn’t an option for me.

Here’s the picks for this week. As always, these are inspired by research, desperation, and a sincere hatred of the phrase “Pumpkin Spice Anything,” so take them with a grain of salt. As always, no wagering.

Dallas (+1.5) at Seattle: The Cowboys learned last week what the Browns learned Thursday night: Having a home game against a New York team cures a lot of problems.
Pick: Cowboys to win and cover, winning by two or more.

NY Giants (+6) at Houston: One of these teams will be 0-3 and basically out of hope for the season. The other one won’t be that way until next week.
Pick: Texans to win, Giants to cover (which means I think the Texans win by less than six.)

Buffalo (+16.5) at Minnesota: This is the biggest spread of the week because a) the Vikings are very good, and b) the Bills at this point are not so much a football team, and closer to a flash mob all wearing the same colors and just waiting to dance.
Pick: Vikings to win, Bills to cover.

LA Chargers (+7) at LA Rams: The Rams look great, but they start the season with the Raiders and Cardinals. That’s the NFL equivalent of an SEC schedule, starting off the year with home games against Tennessee Body & Fender State and St. Regis’ Home For Clumsy Caucasians.
Pick: Chargers to win it outright.

Chicago (-5.5) at Arizona: Outside of Chicago, the best thing about Khalil Mack’s Bears career so far has been the awkward press conferences for Jon Gruden back in Oakland.
Pick: Bears to win and cover.

Pittsburgh (-1.5) at Tampa Bay: The Buccaneers are suddenly a stable winning franchise, while the Steelers are winless and under fire by two of their own players and a porn star. It’s like these two franchises swapped identities, “Freaky Friday” style.
Pick: Steelers to win and cover.

I’ll also take the Saints to beast the Falcons, the Oakland/Miami game to go under 44.5 points, and the “Roseanne” sequel to last one season. Good luck, everybody.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.



A Very Furry Story

17th September 2018 by admin No Comments

I’ve seen these in several stores including Walmart and Target. These are not sex suits for “Furries.” They’re full length “Union Suits” that look like various animals and characters. I repeat, they’re pajamas, NOT sex suits for Furries.

However, they easily COULD be with a pair of scissors and about two minutes work, that’s all I’m saying.



NFL Week Two: Overreactions, Proper Reactions, and Picks

15th September 2018 by admin No Comments

The first week of the NFL season always results in a series of grand overreactions, including…

  • Aaron Rodgers is the greatest quarterback who has ever set foot on the planet.
  • The Raiders are finished without Khalil Mack.
  • Matt Patricia is already done as the coach of the Lions.
  • San Francisco is scared.
  • The Bills are the worst team in the league.
  • The Browns are much better.

Continue reading…



Happy Batman Day, Whatever That Means

15th September 2018 by admin No Comments

I saw a post telling me today was “Batman Day,” and that I should celebrate. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do that, but I think first thing, I should call my parents and make sure they’re okay.



August and Everything After

14th September 2018 by admin No Comments

Twenty-five years ago today, Counting Crows released the album “August and Everything After.”

That means it was twenty-five years ago that I first listened to this album. And it’s been twenty-five years of my life that there are moments I realize I need to hear it again. Front to back. Every song.

And it helps, every single time.

“She says, ‘It’s only in my head.’
She says, ‘Shhh…I know it’s only in my head’
But the girl on car in the parking lot says, ‘Man you should try to take a shot. Can’t you see my walls are crumbling?’
Then she looks up at the building and says she’s thinking of jumping
She says she’s tired of life…she must be tired of something”



#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

10th September 2018 by admin No Comments

This is World Suicide Prevention Day. Which is kind of silly, I think. That seems to be something we should hope to help prevent every day, but eh, whatever helps.

Know this, if you feel that way, now, or ever, you’re not alone. Call a friend, call the hotline, call someone. 1-800-273-8255.

And if you think you know someone who may be considering it, don’t wait for them to reach out. Go to them, immediately. Just talk to them. You don’t have to make a grand gesture, or paint their house, or drive cross country with them. Just let them know there are people out there who care.

Just let them know they are never alone.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay #SuicidePrevention #WSPD2018 #WSPD



NFL Week One Picks: Farewell, Bandit; Hello, Saints

9th September 2018 by admin No Comments

Welcome back to another NFL season of my discontent, my friends.

For the last four years I’ve written this column, an offshoot of my old Fistful of Sports column and blog, where I crack wise about the NFL and show off my intrinsic lack-of-knowledge about the game. By the way, my record? I’ve checked with my bookie Formerly Fat Tony, and I am 142-89 picking games, and 228-226-15 against the Vegas point spreads.

As a side note, that’s pretty close to 50%. Anyone thinking of going to Vegas and parlaying their football acumen into a quick retirement account should probably consider that and invest instead in a 401(k), or an ice cream truck.

Also, for those of you wanting a quick update on the state of media in our world, last year this column ran in four different places on the internet and in print. This year, three are out of business and the other has cut their budget so badly, they could only print my column if I agreed to throw a newspaper route for them and beg for spare change along the way.

So for now, it’ll be right here. Here we go.

HAIL TO THE BANDIT

I’m going full-on Bill Simmons, and not even pretending to start this one with my chosen sport.

— Reid’s All-Sarcasm Super Bowl 52 Timeline: Philly Philly

Burt Reynolds died this week at 82. Lovely Wife Kimberly thought that was a young age, but we both agreed that 82 Burt Reynolds years were worth 140 years to anyone else.

Reynolds was one of those guys who wasn’t an actor, as much as he was just a cool guy. Every movie he acted in during his prime, he was Burt Reynolds, kind of in the same way that James Garner always seemed to be James Garner.

That’s not an indictment of his acting, rather it’s just a testament to the force of his personality. Many of his films had scripts you could put on a Post-It note, but he still seemed cool in them. “Gator” wasn’t a masterpiece, but I’ve watched it probably five times.

Of course, there’s a football connection there. He was not only a player at Florida State, where he famously roomed with ESPN’s Lee Corso, he also was a part-owner of the USFL’s Tampa Bay Bandits, even though he didn’t actually invest any money in the team. And he starred in the best football movie ever.

Because seriously, pro football doesn’t really make for good movies. Baseball and boxing are much better, and for every “Rudy” and “Remember The Titans” college football classic, there’s a “The Replacements” floating there at the bottom of the bowl.

I like that movie. I’ve given the Keanu Reeves “Pain heals” speech many many times, including recently to a friend who broke his leg. But it’s not exactly a movie submitted for our Oscar consideration.

“Smokey and the Bandit” was his first major comedy, but “The Longest Yard” had humor and heart. Give it a chance when you see it rerun on the weekends.

And pass on the remake. Hard pass.

NFL 2018 PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS

It’s been a very strange run-up to this season. If I had told you last week the Cleveland Browns were more likely to be indicted for insider trading than they were to go to the playoffs, you would have though it was a good line.

 — NFL Draft 2018 All-Sarcasm Timeline: The Fabulous Baker Boy 

By the way, that Cleveland Browns Vegas win total over/under of 5.5? That’s a sucker’s bet. From zero to six wins with their best player (Joe Thomas) retired? There’s about as much chance of that as me showing back up on TV again. I bet the under and put my house on it. And by “house” I mean “trailer.”

For the season picks, I’ll take the Saints in the NFC South, the Rams in the West, and the Vikings in the North with the Packers as a Wild Card.

In the NFC East, the Eagles are the favorites, which means there’s no way I can pick them. It’s tradition, a team comes out of nowhere to make the Super Bowl, more often than not they return to their regularly-scheduled nowhere soon after. I’ll take the Giants to win it and the Eagles to make a wild card.

In the AFC, I’ll go Patriots, Steelers, Chargers, and Texans to win the divisions, with Wild Cards to the Chiefs and the Jaguars.

Super Bowl, give me the Saints over the Patriots. And I am definitely, absolutely, mostly positive about those picks.

AND NOW, THE PICKS

Two years ago, I started the season by going 6-0 against the Vegas spread, which was astounding. That’s roughly the same odds as you meeting Scarlett Johansson at a garage sale, and convincing her to come back to your place to play Scattergories.

I bring that up because I always do, and also to remind everyone how things went south very soon after that. I was hoping for another perfect sheet to start the year, but Thursday kept that dream at bay.

If there one thing I know more than any other, it’s that the Texas Longhorns should never be ranked to start a season. But if there’s one other thing I know, it’s that the Atlanta Falcons will always let me down. Always. And so, I start the season at 0-1 against the spread, and also 0-1 straight up after that Atlanta Red Zone debacle.

Here’s the picks for the first weekend of the NFL season. Remember, these are for the purposes of discussion only, as always, no wagering.

Houston (+6) at New England: This is a first-week matchup of two teams who could go either way, in the biggest of ways. The Patriots again have no receivers and questions on defense, and the Texans have an all-star team that’s made of paper mache.
Pick: Patriots to win, but Texans to cover, which means I think the Patriots win by less than six.

Dallas (+3) at Carolina: For the first time in quite a while I’m not picking against the Cowboys because of their defense. I’m picking against them because they have a receiving corps that would be overmatched in your average junior college intramural league.
Pick: Panthers to win and cover.

LA Rams (-4.5) at Oakland: Jon Gruden is playing a fascinating long game here, trading Khalil Mack for draft picks in the next two years. The Raiders are to high draft picks like the Kardashians are to talent. Don’t try and over think it, there’s no correlation there.
Pick: Rams to win and cover.

Tennessee (-1) at Miami: This game should be a real slug-fest. Which means I think it’ll be about as interesting as a festival of slugs.
Pick: I’ll take the Titans to win and cover, as long as you don’t make me watch this one.

Pittsburgh (-4.0 at Cleveland): Le’veon Bell hasn’t shown up for the Steelers. No one has shown up for the Browns in almost twenty years.
Pick: Steelers to win and cover.

Chicago (+7) at Green Bay: Khalil Mack changes this Bears team completely, although not as much as if he was a guy who could catch the football.
Pick: Packers to win, Bears to cover.

I’ll also take the Avengers over Thanos. “Ozark” season two over the first season, and “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” over “This is Us.” Good luck, everybody.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.



Facebook, Nike, and (at least some of) the Truth

6th September 2018 by admin No Comments

(originally posted on Facebook here)

This is not a political post, it’s just a post for people who love to post on Facebook, but apparently don’t have Google.

– Michael Jordan is not leaving Nike and taking “Air Jordan” with him. The University of Alabama did not cancel their contract with Nike, nor did the federal government.

– Nike stock plummeted on Tuesday. It’s risen slightly over the past two days.

– Colin Kaepernick was not benched as an NFL quarterback. He was injured to start his last season with the 49ers but came back to start the last eleven games of the season for San Francisco in 2016.

– Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the anthem came after a discussion with former Green Beret and Texas Longhorn football player Nate Boyer, who originally published an open letter to him after Kaepernick sat during the anthem in preseason. He reached out to Boyer and later met with him before a game, and Boyer suggested kneeling as a peaceful protest.

– Tim Tebow did not kneel during the national anthem.

– The widow of Chris Kyle has spoken out against Nike’s ad campaign. The widow of Pat Tillman has said in the past she didn’t want anyone to politicize her husband’s death, and his biographer has stated he feels that Tillman would sympathize with Kaepernick.

None of these are debatable, nor are they political statements. These are actual things that did or didn’t happen. Posting a meme, or a rant, or a link to a clickbait website does not change these verifiable events.

As wiser men than I have said before, you are certainly entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own truth. So think whatever you’d like about this whole situation, but please don’t rely on false information to back it up. If you see something on a questionable, non-journalistic website, Google it. Or if you think Google is the devil, Bing it. Yahoo it. Dogpile it. Ask a friend, whatever it takes. But just because you agree with something, don’t automatically assume it’s true and spread false information.

For those of you who wonder why I’m not on FB that often anymore, this is a good reason. #FakeNews

— Reid



Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” a statutory anthem

22nd May 2018 by admin No Comments

Yeah, the sleeveless staring? That doesn’t help this NOT be creepy, Boss.

I wrote about Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” a little while back as a fine example of something from your youth that you used to enjoy, but now if you actually listen to it, it raises some questions. I listened to that song for almost thirty years, and only recently realized that a girl who carries used condoms around in her pocket should probably be avoided.

Another one of those moments popped up yesterday, as the great shuffle feature brought up Bruce Springsteen’s 1985 song “I’m On Fire.”

“Hey little girl is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone?”

For the rest of the song Springsteen continues to talk about how this girl makes him all sweaty, as her forbidden fruit makes his loins tingle.

So what are we to assume here? Is this a song about a guy trying to pick up an underage girl? An ode to statutory rape?

This one might be easy to just ignore, except just two songs earlier on the album was “Working On The Highway,” a song clearly about a guy busting rocks on the highway because of his underage lusts. That song was originally titled “Child Bride,” by the way. This subject material isn’t out of the ordinary, it’s already appeared on the same side of the album.

So there are two interpretations here as I see them. Springsteen’s song could be about an actual underage girl, and he could be macking the big-time perv on her.

The alternative? Bruce was puling a Barney Stinson, and running the old “Daddy’s Home” routine.

— Reid Kerr has also noticed you can easily sing “Froggy Went A’Courtin'” over this song, and it fits perfectly.



Reid’s Official Unofficial NFL Draft Timeline 2018: The Fabulous Baker Boy

26th April 2018 by admin No Comments

Your official unofficial NFL Draft 2018 Timeline:

March 2018: The NFL announces FOX will cover the first round of the NFL Draft, bringing the event to broadcast TV for the first time. The NFL also allows ESPN to continue their coverage on cable, which is like having your girlfriend break up with you, but still allowing you to come back to her place occasionally and make a sandwich as long as you’re quiet and don’t disturb the new guy.

7:15pm, Thursday, April 26: On their predraft show, ESPN announces definitively that the Browns will take Baker Mayfield with their first pick. Or possibly Sam Darnold. But they can confirm the plan is definitely to draft a mammal of some sort.

8:00pm: NFL Draft coverage begins on FOX, with a simulcast of the NFL Network coverage. Meanwhile in a cost-cutting move, ESPN’s broadcast is offering a four-man booth featuring two reporters, an intern, and a sock puppet that reads tweets.

8:06pm: For the first time since his six-game suspension of Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell appears before the Dallas crowd. He brings Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, and Jason Witten with him. The crowd still greets him like a case of recurring anal warts.

8:07pm: The Cleveland Browns go on the clock with the first pick, just like last year. And next year. The Browns select Mayfield. Now a guy who was a two-time walk-on turned into a Heisman Trophy winner gets to see what a real challenge is like.

8:22pm: The New York Giants resist the urge to draft a quarterback and select running back Saquon Barkley. Somewhere, Eli Manning pulls out his reading glasses to see who his team has selected, nods approvingly, and changes the channel back to a rerun of “NCIS.”

8:27pm: FOX’s coverage goes live to the New York Jets draft room, which features one guy on the phone and everyone else standing around like it’s the world’s most awkward dinner party.

8:29pm: The Jets take USC quarterback Sam Darnold. Rick Eisen points out the last time the Jets took a quarterback in the top five, it was Mark Sanchez. Somewhere, current Jets quarterback Josh McCown realizes he may never get to retire.

8:38pm: With their second pick in the top four, the Browns take Denzel Ward, which is greeted with shock from the crowd, both broadcast teams, and fans everywhere, as people are surprised at the decision-making abilities of a team that hasn’t won a game since before Christmas of 2016.

8:45pm: The Broncos select Bradley Chubb, who analyst Mike Mayock describes as having “violent hands.” Based on that evidence, Roger Goodell makes a mental note to suspend Chubb for six games as soon as possible.

8:47pm: Seeing their top projected offensive lineman still on the board, the Colts sprint to the podium to select Quinton Nelson. However, since it’s Indianapolis, it still takes them a while.

8:50pm: Facebook runs a commercial during the draft, that basically says “Sorry, we thought you wouldn’t mind being sold to Russian bots. Our bad.”

8:55pm: Tampa Bay trades their pick to Buffalo, and the Bills select Josh Allen, who promptly sets fire to his Twitter account.

9:00pm: With FOX’s coverage on broadcast TV, ESPN’s coverage of the next hour of the draft is brought to us by Shasta Cola, Munchos potato chips, and “Shout-Out To Ray Ray, From Pookie.”

9:06pm: San Francisco takes offensive lineman Mike McGlinchey, who sounds like a grizzled old sergeant from a seventies cop show who’s just weeks from retirement. “McGlinchey…he doesn’t play by the rules.”

9:14pm: Arizona trades up to take quarterback Josh Rosen. Somewhere, an angry Sam Bradford tears his ACL while trying to change the TV channel.

9:26pm: Tampa takes Vita Vea, who weighs 347 pounds and runs the forty-yard-dash in 5.1 seconds. Even villains in superhero movies can’t do that.

9:32pm: Goodell smiles as he walks to the podium to announce Washington’s first round pick to the Dallas crowd, because he can finally pretend the booing isn’t for him.

9:36pm: New Orleans trades up, which leads FOX’s broadcast team to spend the next five minutes talking about how potent the Saints will be with quarterback Lamar Jackson. Then the Saints draft defensive end Marcus Davenport because much like McGlinchey, Sean Payton doesn’t play by the rules either.

9:42pm: A commercial airs for a movie with Kevin Costner, who is only good in Westerns and movies about baseball. I see Cowboy hats, so this one looks okay.

9:56pm: While Buffalo and the Chargers make their picks, FOX’s coverage includes an impromptu singing of Rick James’ “Superfreak,” followed by Deion Sanders turning an interview with new Charger Derwin James into a rally for Florida State. Frustrated viewers flip back to ESPN, where onscreen graphics display Mel Kiper Draft Expert’s “Top 5 Sandwiches Still Available.”

10:06pm: Cowboys receivers Drew Pearson and Michael Irvin go out on stage to pump up the crowd, making it a great day for players who wore number 88. As opposed to last week, when it was pretty dicey.

10:13pm: The Cowboys go defense with their pick and select linebacker Leighton Vander Esch as a possible replacement for Sean Lee, who is so injury prone he once pulled his hamstring while pulling his other hamstring.

10:16pm: The Steelers trade Martavis Bryant to Oakland for a third round pick, which is basically slightly better than a bag of dirt.

10:20pm: In a marketing tie in, the Lions pick is made by Thanos.

10:26pm: Cincinnati decides to play it safe and select an offensive lineman, since last year’s wide receiver taken ninth overall had as many receptions as I did.

10:40pm: The Carolina Panthers go on the clock. Embattled Panthers owner Jerry Richardson offers to let ESPN’s Suzy Kolber read the next pick while sitting on his lap.

10:56pm: FOX shows quarterback Lamar Jackson in the waiting room, wearing a green jacket that makes him look like he not only won the Heisman Trophy, but also a Masters.

10:58pm: Atlanta takes receiver Calvin Ridley. FOX goes live to his house in Fort Lauderdale, where a tearful Ridley is surrounded by family and friends, all of whom seem to be Snapchatting videos of themselves with him. That seems like something that should be covered in the next NFL Rookie Symposium, perhaps in a seminar titled “Don’t Buy A House For Anyone Who Ignores You To Take Pictures of Themselves With You.”

11:06pm: Seattle takes running back Rasaad Penny. In a foreshadowing move, new Rams cornerback Aqib Talib runs up and snatches his chain.

11:13pm: Pittsburgh’s selection of Terrell Edmunds is announced by injured linebacker Ryan Shazier, in what is both an inspirational moment and a reminder of how fleeting the health and career of an NFL player can be.

11:14pm: You can go back and reread the last entry, it’s not a joke. Luckily, the next one is.

11:18pm: The Jaguars take a defensive player, since they’re comfortable with an offense geared around a quarterback who averages two yards a pass, and hope to win a lot of 3-2 games.

11:33pm: The night ends with Baltimore trading up to draft Lamar Jackson, bookending the first round with Heisman Trophy winners. The broadcast points out this is the first time since 1999 that five quarterbacks have been taken in the first round. However, no one points out that 1999 draft produced one Super Bowl quarterback, one guy who only looked good when he threw to Randy Moss, and three guys whose careers promptly became clown autopsies, and set their franchises back a decade.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.



Philly Philly: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl LII Timeline

3rd February 2018 by admin No Comments

Sunday, January 28, 2018 – The New England Patriots defeat the Jacksonville Something-Or-Others to advance to their 73rd straight Super Bowl. Later on that day, the Philadelphia Eagles beat Minnesota to win the NFC. Philadelphia fans riot in celebration, or perhaps just practicing for later.

Saturday, February 3, 2018 – The Pro Football Hall of Fame announces their inductees for the class of 2018. Terrell Owens finally gets his popcorn ready.

Saturday Night – Eagles coach Doug Pederson gets former teammate Brett Favre to come speak to his team. Favre gives them a pep talk, and also a set of his “Official Brett Favre Nose-Hair Trimmers.”

11:10am, Sunday, February 4th, 2018 – ESPN airs a report suggesting if the Patriots win, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick could both retire tonight in the postgame. NBC quickly corrects the report to indicate both men may “retire to the locker room to watch tonight’s biggest-ever episode of ‘This Is Us,’ only on NBC. PS: Please watch.”

2:00pm – The stadium opens for Super Bowl LII to many delays, as security detains Eagles fans to check for guns, knives, and snow covered batteries.

4:22pm – The Super Bowl pregame show continues with a song from Sting. Because nothing gets your blood pumping and ready for a high-energy football game like a mid-tempo rocker from a 66-year-old.

5:13pm – Red Lobster runs a commercial assuring us their seafood is sustainable. That comes as a great relief to people who show up for Endless Shrimp with the intent of eating the Antarctic Ocean’s worth of seafood.

6:02pm – The pregame ends and official Super Bowl coverage begins, brought to us by TV on the internet, cars that can go from 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds, and Terrell Owens talking trash about pizza.

6:16pm – The NFL finally gives JJ Watt the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award he won six months and 37 million dollars ago.

6:25pm – The Patriots win the coin flip, and are awarded seven points by the NFL.

6:30pm – Super Bowl 52 begins, brought to you by movies about dinosaurs, skyscrapers, and families that have to stay absolutely silent, like football fans in Los Angeles.

6:35pm – Patriots defensive coordinator Matt Patricia is shown with a laminated playsheet and a pencil behind his ear. Since you can’t write on lamination with a pencil, I assume either he doesn’t take notes, or he has a pocket full of crayons.

6:42pm – Philadelphia finishes a long drive with a field goal to lead 3-0. Hall of Famer Ray Lewis is shown on the sidelines, which we can all agree is safer than having him at your Super Bowl party.

6:52pm – New England ties the game up with a field goal. America takes a break for their favorite party snacks like potato skins, chicken wings, and Tide Pods.

6:54pm – Pepsi runs a commercial telling us to stop watching the Super Bowl and go to their website to watch a sneak peak of the halftime show. I can’t imagine NBC is too thrilled with that idea since upon returning to the broadcast, Al Michaels refers to Pepsi as “barrel bottom sputum.”

6:59pm – The Eagles score a quick touchdown. In an NBC marketing tie-in, the play review is done by an official holding a burning Crock Pot.

7:12pm – The Patriots miss a field goal attempt, so the officials only award them two points.

7:19pm – NBC runs a commercial reminding everyone to put extra time on their DVRs tonight. “Watch ‘This Is Us’ after the Super Bowl…on NBC. We’ve got nothing else.”

7:53pm – In a frenzy of scoring, we get four touchdowns but only one extra point, thoroughly throwing off every office pool in the country.

8:02pm – The Eagles prove conclusively that Nick Foles is a better receiver than Tom Brady.

8:05pm – Tide continues to run commercials trying to get us to understand their product is effective, and not edible.

8:12pm – Halftime arrives with the Eagles leading 22-12. Yellowtail runs a commercial reminding us Australia makes good wine, and kangaroos are still a little bit freaky.

8:20pm – Justin Timberlake’s halftime show begins, brought to us by Pepsi, Jimmy Fallon, and the ghost of Janet Jackson’s nipple.

8:29pm – Timberlake plays “I Would Die 4 U” along with a hologram of Prince. Moments later, he gets served a cease-and-desist order from Prince in the afterlife for using his music without permission.

9:00pm – In the second half, everyone in the building believes Eagles running back Corey Clement’s end zone catch was actually an incomplete pass, so of course the NFL rules it as a touchdown. Because if there’s one thing the 2017 season was about, it was impossible-to-understand catch rules.

9:34pm – Energized by the halftime performance, Rob Gronkowski catches his second touchdown of the second half to give the Patriots their first lead, then goes looking to high-five the giant Prince hologram.

9:50pm – A commercial airs where Hyundai owners walking into the Super Bowl meet cancer survivors whose treatments were paid for in part by the car purchases. As the owner of an Elantra, I feel comfortable saying “No one who owns a Hyundai can afford Super Bowl tickets.”

9:56pm – Philadelphia tight end Zach Ertz scores a touchdown. Or maybe he doesn’t. But he does! Seriously, NFL. Do you really think it’s good for business to have a four-minute stoppage of play where Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth do nothing except ponder a pass and go in-depth on how confusing the catch rules are?

10:02pm – Tom Brady fumbles. Patriots fans immediately start complaining about Jimmy Garoppolo getting traded.

10:18pm – New England’s last pass falls incomplete in the end zone. Philadelphia wins their first ever Super Bowl, 41-33. Eagles fans begin celebrating by overturning police cars, but in a festive manner.

– Reid Kerr talks a lot, as his wife always reminds him. Reid’s second book, “I Hate It Here: A Love Story,” is out now on Amazon.com. You can always tweet questions, comments, and angry messages to him at @reidaboutit.

 



The Great Divide: Romantic Comedies vs. Porn

25th January 2018 by admin No Comments

Oh, no! They’re bickering! How will they ever realize they’re in love?

Why aren’t we happy in our relationships anymore? Why is the divorce rate so high?

I blame our modern-day unrealistic expectations, myself.

My long-standing theory has been that as bad as pornography is for men and their expectations of adult relationships, romantic comedies and romance novels are worse for women. Both create an image of the way things should be in a relationship, and both are almost completely false.

Quick example. I love the commercial where the guy on a bus sees a pretty girl riding another bus, then whips out his phone to change his ticket so he can meet her. Wonderful. Now, two total strangers with nothing in common but superficial attraction have derailed their days and locked themselves into a city bus in hopes of finding something to talk about with a pretty person.

Her: “Hi there. I was on my way to a pro-choice rally, and had to stop to talk to you.”
Him: “Hey you. I’m an abortion clinic bomber. Wanna grab a coffee?”

There was a movie out a few years ago with Diane Lane and John Cusack as two people who couldn’t find anyone to go out with, and wound up together. Think of the special effects it would take to make you believe that Diane Lane and John Cusack would be sitting around their houses on Saturday night playing Scrabble because they have trouble finding dates.

Yeah, if these two people can’t get laid, there’s no hope for the rest of us.

Reality For Guys:
— The pizza delivery girl is not going to let you tip her with hot loving.
— In the hospital, “head nurse” is a title awarded solely on seniority and nursing skill.
— When your girlfriend invites a friend over to the house, you are the only one in the house thinking what you’re thinking.
— Real-life lesbians do not wear lingerie. They wear loose-fitting flannel to sleep in. And they don’t care at all that you’d love to see them make out, don’t even bother to ask.

Reality For Women:
— Pirates were not nice guys. They had leathery skin and smelled of fish constantly.
— Castles were dark, damp places that permanently smelled of old food and piss. And I’ll tell you right now, British people and proper dental care go together like fish and deserts. Any fantasy you have of being taken by the Lord of a Manor, downgrade immediately.
— A guy who loves you enough to stand at the end of your driveway with a radio over his head, blaring your song at 3am, is not a sweet, lovable imp. He’s a stalker, and the next step is him breaking into your house and boiling your bunny.
— For that matter, whenever you see something in a movie that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you think “I wish I had someone like that,” stop a moment. If the guy doing the sweet thing didn’t look like John Cusack, and looked more like Andy Dick, would it still be something desirable?

— Reid Kerr is always disappointed when he shops for a mattress, and the saleswoman doesn’t offer a tryout.