The Rejection Chronicles III: Yes and No

21st August 2015 by admin No Comments

One thing is starting to become clear to me, if the writing process was a book, it would be far too depressing to read. It is, by necessity, a culling process. “Culling” in this instance means “a series of punches to the taint designed to discourage everyone.”

Last night I took the new book, “Goodbye Joinerville,” to a Writers Group and read the first ten pages. It killed. I got great feedback, and I was really encouraged by how much they liked it. It was a really good experience, in a situation where that’s certainly not always the case.

GoldenGod01Today, I get up feeling great. I am a Golden God!

And then I get a rejection notice from an agent who had requested the book.

I am no longer a golden god. I am now worthless vermin fit only for extinction. Back to work I go.

Which is really what I should be doing, of course. A book isn’t finished until it’s on a shelf somewhere, and last night I noticed a couple of things I should fix up. Still, rejection is a killer. It’s always frustrating to realize you’re not automatically universally loved and adored, and you didn’t get a return email full of praise and twenty-dollar bills.

How do I deal with it? Sarcasm. Steve Earle. And another episode of the Rejection Chronicles. Here’s another rejection letter I’ve received in the past, and what I actually took it to mean.

EMAIL: Thank you for your query. (Agent) asked me to reply after he evaluated your submission. We’re afraid your project does not seem right for our list, but thank you for thinking of (Agent), and best of luck in your search for representation.

What they meant: Thank you for sending us this vile refuse. My boss read it and threw himself out of a window, so I’m replying to you in hopes you stop before you injure anyone else.

We’re afraid your project doesn’t seem right for humans. Thank you for thinking of us, please stop thinking of us. Or thinking in general. Best of luck in your search for representation, or meaning in life.

– Reid Kerr found that listening to “The Revolution Starts Now” as loud as possible helps with the healing process.



The Daily Life of a Freelance Writer: Mail Call

14th August 2015 by admin No Comments
Being a writer requires a mailbox that can take a punch.

Being a writer requires a mailbox that can take a punch.

Ah, the glamorous life of a free-lance writer. For those of you who’ve been seduced by our portrayal in movies and television, here’s a little daily routine I’ve grown accustomed to.

1) I sing a happy tune all the way to the mail box.
2) I open it, reach in, look around twice and make sure there’s no checks in it.
3) I mutter profanity as I stomp all the way back to my front door.

Repeat daily six days a week. Take Sundays off.

– Reid Kerr wishes he could pay his bills the same way, but the electric company is somewhat less than sympathetic.



Relaxative

8th August 2015 by admin No Comments

Some people like to drink a lot of alcohol and go to a club. I just drank a lot of Miralax and I’m going to Walmart.

La vida loca, amigos.

– Reid Kerr is 45, and afraid of fifty.



Travel Book Sneak Peak

7th August 2015 by admin No Comments

Working on The Travel Book, tentatively titled “I Hate It Here: A Love Story.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach, but mostly because it gives me access to seafood. I’m a huge fan of any food that lets me add butter as a condiment.”

– Reid Kerr hopes you’ll join him on a sarcasm-filled tour of the country.



Autobio-Hazard

1st August 2015 by admin No Comments

I’m trying to write a short biography page for a prospective agent. It’s hard to boil it down to 250 words. I’ve had an easier time writing ransom notes, to be honest.

I’m trying to decide how many of the following phrases to include:

– Published Author
– Donkey Basketball Champion
– 220 Pounds of Twisted Steel and Sex Appeal
– Survivor of a Career in Radio and Television
– Tenaha Parade Broadcaster
– Goalie
– Airport art critic
– Founder, Sugartit Machete Club
– Former webmaster, DonkeyTaco.com
- Voice of Swap Shop, 1996-97
– Green vegetable-free, 1970-present

– Reid Kerr knows his resume is somewhat unbelievable, and not in the good way.



The Rejection Chronicles: Writing The Pine

20th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As a writer, I get a lot of calls and emails asking me how things are going, and what I’m doing. Most of these are from my friends and family asking just to make sure I’m still alive, or from my creditors, who are asking for the same reasons. On Monday I like to plan out the rest of my week, just in case there’s a mysterious disappearance. I figure it’ll be easier for the ID Network to tell my story if I go ahead and give them the background material.

My writing schedule for the week:

Monday: Signing books written by other people at the Cincinnati Barnes & Noble until they notice and kick me out.

Reid12Tuesday: Almost send out that thing I wrote, become crippled with doubt and start rewriting it again. Intend to leave house, never do.

Wednesday: Crying, drinking (various locations).

Thursday: Begin writing, get side-tracked, spend the entire day responding to negative online review by filing false Homeland Security reports.

Friday: Get on a roll writing, then get confused as to whether I should be using “affect” or “effect,” spend the next nine hours rewriting pages to eliminate that word, whichever one it was supposed to be in the first #$^%ing place.

Saturday: Resist urge to sucker-punch guy at get-together who finds out I’m a writer and feels compelled to tell me this story he always was going to write about a guy he knew back in high school who had a photographic memory and used it to memorize Hardy Boys books, and “Hey, what if that guy grew up to solve crimes as ‘the Hardly Boy?'” Sob. Drink. Flee.

Sunday: Put together list of projects for next week, including prospects, missed deadlines, vague ideas, and grocery store lists, which quickly turn into liquor store lists. Repeat if necessary.

– Reid Kerr is starting to answer the question “What do you do for a living?” by saying “I’m a pallbearer.”



The Rejection Chronicles II: Return Of The Suck

10th July 2015 by admin No Comments

The submission process continues for my new book, so I’m giving you an inside look at what happens inside my head when I read a rejection notice.

No.Email:  Hi Reid, Thank you for giving me a chance to consider your project. I’ve gone through your query and your sample pages and unfortunately I am going to have to pass on (title).  

Please remember that this is a highly subjective industry, and what doesn’t work for me is probably exactly what another agent may be looking for. I’m sorry I didn’t have better news for you but I wish you all the best with your search and hope you find the right agent soon.

All the best…

What they meant: Reid, thanks for letting me see this…whatever it was. I’m going to pass on this, as I’m still not sure what it was. All I know is, it broke my shredder. Remember, taste is subjective, so send this to someone with no taste. I wish I had better news for you, because quite frankly, I’m now scared of you. Best of luck to you, I have to hurry along now and alert the authorities.

All the best, only somewhere else…

– Reid Kerr isn’t going to take things too personally, but by God, he’s at least going to get some laughs out of them.



The Rejection Chronicles

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As I begin the submission process again for my new book, I understand that rejection is inevitable. It’s just part of the game, and as writers, we shouldn’t take it personally. We really shouldn’t, even though that’s certainly what we always want to do. It happens to everybody, I know. That said, it always seems like there’s a complete disconnect in what they tell me and what I actually hear.

Email: Reid, thank you for sharing your story with us.

We must decline. Hope it finds a good home soon.

What they meant: Reid, our auto-mailer requires us to enter a first name, Reid, so you feel as if you’re receiving personal rejection, hand-crafted just for Reid. We appreciate you sharing your story with us, Reid, but no. Nope nope no. Hope it finds a home soon, Reid, somewhere where we will never see it again. Perhaps you could have it printed on the inside of cereal boxes, or use the pages to drain fishgrease.

– Reid Kerr’s hobby is making things up.

 



Gig Bagged

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

Writing gigs this week…12,000 words on high school football…finished. Final score, 1300 Coaching Cliches, 143 players with upside who are great athletes and real leaders, 63 bottles of water, 29 episodes of Gossip Girl watched in the background, and 1 bout with stomach flu. Just to make things more interesting, I also threw in a thousand words for Entertainment Guide Magazine on a band and two of my semi-patented sports humor columns for the Tyler (TX) newspaper.

Just waiting for the flu to fully recede so I’ll feel safe to go back to my normal daily workload of writing and drinking.

– Reid Kerr can’t wait until we’ve advanced to the point of e-vomiting.



The Spam Wars, Round Two

24th March 2015 by admin No Comments

As I’ve proven before (evidence here), there are some days I literally have nothing to do other than sit around and jack with spammers who are trying to do the same to me. I was recently friended on Facebook by a classic fake account, pretty girl, one picture, no friends in common. I was ready for almost anything, and they didn’t disappoint. Apparently, this one account was used by a whole pile of spam douchenozzles, since they kept coming back to me days and days later without realizing they had already tried.

Disclaimer: All of these things really happened.

Spammy O’Spammerson: hello how you doing and how is your family and friends.
Reid Kerr: Great! And you? How’s your pets and neighbors?
Spammy: hello
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: how is your day and how is the weather over there
Reid: The weather is wonderful! No snow, but it’s as wet as Aquaman’s underpants. How are you?

Spammy: im doing good
Reid: That’s great! My granddad always said it was better to be doing good than feeling good or looking good or going good, and we wound up electing him to Congress before the scandal about the Cool Whip lobbyist and the Great Dane.

Spammy: woow that’s good to hear
Do you have time to talk
Reid: Oh, absolutely! That sounds like more fun than what I was going to do today, I had planned to go down to the park and feed the ducks to the homeless.

Spammy: ok and where is your state
Reid: I’m in Kentucky. Northern part. Right up here where Jack Daniels took most of his lovers. Geographically, I mean, not in terms of positions. And where are you from?

Spammy: well im in ghana
have you ever been in ghana befoere
Reid: Not that I’m aware of.

Spammy: ok and how

(hours later)

Spammy: hello there and how you doing
Reid: I am doing well! And how are you doing things?

Spammy: well doing good too
Reid: Good! And how are things going for you this time?

Spammy: all is good here
and you
Reid: All is good here! All the time!

Spammy: and how are your famile again
Reid: They are again good! And yours?!?

Spammy: well i live alone
Reid: That must be fun. No one can eat your leftovers.

Spammy: well been dirvoced
Reid: Good for you! Best investment I ever made. I got one of those lawyers from the TV commercials that drives a tank to handle mine.

Spammy: is hi a friend
Reid: He’s a great friend! We go fishing a couple of times a year, up on Lake WannaLikkaShlong. We fish for seabass, orca, trout, things like that.

Spammy: i wish i where there
Reid: You’d love it there. The mountains in the distance by the incinerator piles really light up at night.

Spammy: ok
and did you have a pic of your friend
are you with me

(hours go by)

Spammy: hello
Reid: Yes, and you?

Spammy: well am doing dood
nice talking to you again
Reid: And me too!

Spammy: you are more much welcome
where do you live
Reid: I am from Cincinnati, currently. But I moved here from Fungus, New Mexico. It’s beautiful there. The summers are so mild you can make salsa right in your mailbox. Where are you from?

Spammy: canada
how old are you
Reid: I am 37. I can always remember that because I share a birthday with Bo Peep. How old are you?

Spammy: 27
you married
Reid: I am married to a wonderful woman! Her name is Inga, and she is my soulmate. We share a single heart, eyebrow, and soul. We have three kids, once of each. Are you married?

Spammy: What do U do for work?
Reid: I’m a malefactory engineer, I work down at Cincinnati Amalgamated Refuse. What do you do for a living?

Spammy: I stay home and take care of my sick mother.
Reid: Good! Modern medicine is doing wonderful things these days with snotgrafts, Glad she’s doing better!

(the next day)

Spammy: Hello
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: hello thank you for accepting my invitation thank you
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: coment are you?
Reid: I am coment fine! How are things on you?

Spammy: yes of me is jenifer you?
Reid: Very much! I am of Jennifer very.

Spammy: How old are you? what do you do beautiful in life? you have children? you love what’s beautiful? you’re single for how long?
Reid: I’m 27, single all my life and living it! I sleep under a bridge, no kids, just a chicken. How about you?

Spammy: I a girl of 7 years
Reid: Can you drive a car?
Spammy: yes of course requests and why you think that?
Reid: You said you were 7 years.

Spammy: I am the caps you?
Reid: Caps? Of course! And you?

Spammy: I do hairstyle
Reid: Cool. I usually have hair. What’s your favorite fruit? I like the tambourine.

Spammy: I like orange
Reid: Delicious! Also a good color. Grapes should just be called purples. Except for the green ones, I mean. Those should only be taken rectally.

Spammy: ok you live alone?
Reid: Yes, ever since the fumigation. Do you?

Spammy: I life with my daughter. that you are looking for here?
Reid: I are looking for things that here are usually found on not the way.

Spammy: I am a woman such a little reserved intelligent single comprehensive open to other shy tolérantes- very good cook I support in difficult times and other moments of joy and would love to meet you and talk with you a dialogue further…
Reid: That sounds wonderful to meet! I have plenty of room under the bridge. Where do you living?

Spammy: in canada but I sent Ivory Coast with my daughter and you?
Reid: I’m in Montana. The state that means well. Is that too far away to meet for dinner? I’m already defrosting some wildebeest steaks for you.

Spammy: ok what do you do in life?
Reid: I’m a pallbearer. And you?

Spammy: I do hair and tell me what you like in a woman?
Reid: I like a woman to have hair, definitely. In some places more than others. What color is your hairs?

Spammy: You see (sends obviously fake pic)
Reid: Ah, that’s nice. is that a Vera Schlong dress? Very pretty. Burrito.

Spammy: yes i do
Reid: So what are you looking for?

Spammy: I look for a man with whom make my living
Reid: So some guy who’ll just pay you to style his hair?

Spammy: you speak of?
Reid: Verily, I speak thereof. Hair for the future. The hair up there.

Spammy: you talk about that in the end because I do it’s more what you tell me

(finally looks at my Facebook account)

Spammy: but I do not understand you then you called me not all the truth about you I see that you are 45 and you being married but you called me contrais everything I saw there????
Reid: This is my brother’s account. He’s undercover with Shield. I’m not supposed to talk about it.

Spammy:  but tell me and you, you do not have a Facebook account
Reid: No. I have a MySpace, though.

And finally, they gave up.

– Reid Kerr owes a Nigerian prince money. You can find his first book, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape,” on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com, or if you’ve already purchased it, in your hand.

 

 

 

 



Least Mode: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLIX Timeline

5th February 2015 by admin No Comments

For those of you who are fans of sports, commercials, controversy, halftime shows, fistfights, and all of the other things that go into a Super Bowl, my annual award-winning* Super Bowl Timeline is up now at ProjectShanks.com, featuring lines like…

9:57pm – The Seahawks get a miracle catch to get the ball down inside the Patriots five yard line, where they will surely give the ball to the unstoppable Marshawn Lynch for the go-ahead touchdown!

10:00pm – Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Seahawks make the worst offensive decision since Hitler thought he could beat Russia on their home turf in winter. The Patriots intercept the ball.

Check it out, kids.

* Theoretical awards only, there is not yet an award for “Best Smart-ass.”



I’m The Map!

26th January 2015 by admin No Comments

Just out of curiosity, I took this quiz on a website to show how many states in the USA I’ve visited.  Not bad, although ten years ago, it would have been much more sparse.

Looking at this, it makes me look forward to the travel book, “I Hate It Here.” Lots of good stories coming in that one.


visited 25 states (50%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or Amsterdam travel guide for Android