The Rejection Chronicles: Writing The Pine

20th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As a writer, I get a lot of calls and emails asking me how things are going, and what I’m doing. Most of these are from my friends and family asking just to make sure I’m still alive, or from my creditors, who are asking for the same reasons. On Monday I like to plan out the rest of my week, just in case there’s a mysterious disappearance. I figure it’ll be easier for the ID Network to tell my story if I go ahead and give them the background material.

My writing schedule for the week:

Monday: Signing books written by other people at the Cincinnati Barnes & Noble until they notice and kick me out.

Reid12Tuesday: Almost send out that thing I wrote, become crippled with doubt and start rewriting it again. Intend to leave house, never do.

Wednesday: Crying, drinking (various locations).

Thursday: Begin writing, get side-tracked, spend the entire day responding to negative online review by filing false Homeland Security reports.

Friday: Get on a roll writing, then get confused as to whether I should be using “affect” or “effect,” spend the next nine hours rewriting pages to eliminate that word, whichever one it was supposed to be in the first #$^%ing place.

Saturday: Resist urge to sucker-punch guy at get-together who finds out I’m a writer and feels compelled to tell me this story he always was going to write about a guy he knew back in high school who had a photographic memory and used it to memorize Hardy Boys books, and “Hey, what if that guy grew up to solve crimes as ‘the Hardly Boy?'” Sob. Drink. Flee.

Sunday: Put together list of projects for next week, including prospects, missed deadlines, vague ideas, and grocery store lists, which quickly turn into liquor store lists. Repeat if necessary.

– Reid Kerr is starting to answer the question “What do you do for a living?” by saying “I’m a pallbearer.”



The Rejection Chronicles II: Return Of The Suck

10th July 2015 by admin No Comments

The submission process continues for my new book, so I’m giving you an inside look at what happens inside my head when I read a rejection notice.

No.Email:  Hi Reid, Thank you for giving me a chance to consider your project. I’ve gone through your query and your sample pages and unfortunately I am going to have to pass on (title).  

Please remember that this is a highly subjective industry, and what doesn’t work for me is probably exactly what another agent may be looking for. I’m sorry I didn’t have better news for you but I wish you all the best with your search and hope you find the right agent soon.

All the best…

What they meant: Reid, thanks for letting me see this…whatever it was. I’m going to pass on this, as I’m still not sure what it was. All I know is, it broke my shredder. Remember, taste is subjective, so send this to someone with no taste. I wish I had better news for you, because quite frankly, I’m now scared of you. Best of luck to you, I have to hurry along now and alert the authorities.

All the best, only somewhere else…

– Reid Kerr isn’t going to take things too personally, but by God, he’s at least going to get some laughs out of them.



The Rejection Chronicles

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

As I begin the submission process again for my new book, I understand that rejection is inevitable. It’s just part of the game, and as writers, we shouldn’t take it personally. We really shouldn’t, even though that’s certainly what we always want to do. It happens to everybody, I know. That said, it always seems like there’s a complete disconnect in what they tell me and what I actually hear.

Email: Reid, thank you for sharing your story with us.

We must decline. Hope it finds a good home soon.

What they meant: Reid, our auto-mailer requires us to enter a first name, Reid, so you feel as if you’re receiving personal rejection, hand-crafted just for Reid. We appreciate you sharing your story with us, Reid, but no. Nope nope no. Hope it finds a home soon, Reid, somewhere where we will never see it again. Perhaps you could have it printed on the inside of cereal boxes, or use the pages to drain fishgrease.

– Reid Kerr’s hobby is making things up.

 



Gig Bagged

8th July 2015 by admin No Comments

Writing gigs this week…12,000 words on high school football…finished. Final score, 1300 Coaching Cliches, 143 players with upside who are great athletes and real leaders, 63 bottles of water, 29 episodes of Gossip Girl watched in the background, and 1 bout with stomach flu. Just to make things more interesting, I also threw in a thousand words for Entertainment Guide Magazine on a band and two of my semi-patented sports humor columns for the Tyler (TX) newspaper.

Just waiting for the flu to fully recede so I’ll feel safe to go back to my normal daily workload of writing and drinking.

– Reid Kerr can’t wait until we’ve advanced to the point of e-vomiting.



The Spam Wars, Round Two

24th March 2015 by admin No Comments

As I’ve proven before (evidence here), there are some days I literally have nothing to do other than sit around and jack with spammers who are trying to do the same to me. I was recently friended on Facebook by a classic fake account, pretty girl, one picture, no friends in common. I was ready for almost anything, and they didn’t disappoint. Apparently, this one account was used by a whole pile of spam douchenozzles, since they kept coming back to me days and days later without realizing they had already tried.

Disclaimer: All of these things really happened.

Spammy O’Spammerson: hello how you doing and how is your family and friends.
Reid Kerr: Great! And you? How’s your pets and neighbors?
Spammy: hello
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: how is your day and how is the weather over there
Reid: The weather is wonderful! No snow, but it’s as wet as Aquaman’s underpants. How are you?

Spammy: im doing good
Reid: That’s great! My granddad always said it was better to be doing good than feeling good or looking good or going good, and we wound up electing him to Congress before the scandal about the Cool Whip lobbyist and the Great Dane.

Spammy: woow that’s good to hear
Do you have time to talk
Reid: Oh, absolutely! That sounds like more fun than what I was going to do today, I had planned to go down to the park and feed the ducks to the homeless.

Spammy: ok and where is your state
Reid: I’m in Kentucky. Northern part. Right up here where Jack Daniels took most of his lovers. Geographically, I mean, not in terms of positions. And where are you from?

Spammy: well im in ghana
have you ever been in ghana befoere
Reid: Not that I’m aware of.

Spammy: ok and how

(hours later)

Spammy: hello there and how you doing
Reid: I am doing well! And how are you doing things?

Spammy: well doing good too
Reid: Good! And how are things going for you this time?

Spammy: all is good here
and you
Reid: All is good here! All the time!

Spammy: and how are your famile again
Reid: They are again good! And yours?!?

Spammy: well i live alone
Reid: That must be fun. No one can eat your leftovers.

Spammy: well been dirvoced
Reid: Good for you! Best investment I ever made. I got one of those lawyers from the TV commercials that drives a tank to handle mine.

Spammy: is hi a friend
Reid: He’s a great friend! We go fishing a couple of times a year, up on Lake WannaLikkaShlong. We fish for seabass, orca, trout, things like that.

Spammy: i wish i where there
Reid: You’d love it there. The mountains in the distance by the incinerator piles really light up at night.

Spammy: ok
and did you have a pic of your friend
are you with me

(hours go by)

Spammy: hello
Reid: Yes, and you?

Spammy: well am doing dood
nice talking to you again
Reid: And me too!

Spammy: you are more much welcome
where do you live
Reid: I am from Cincinnati, currently. But I moved here from Fungus, New Mexico. It’s beautiful there. The summers are so mild you can make salsa right in your mailbox. Where are you from?

Spammy: canada
how old are you
Reid: I am 37. I can always remember that because I share a birthday with Bo Peep. How old are you?

Spammy: 27
you married
Reid: I am married to a wonderful woman! Her name is Inga, and she is my soulmate. We share a single heart, eyebrow, and soul. We have three kids, once of each. Are you married?

Spammy: What do U do for work?
Reid: I’m a malefactory engineer, I work down at Cincinnati Amalgamated Refuse. What do you do for a living?

Spammy: I stay home and take care of my sick mother.
Reid: Good! Modern medicine is doing wonderful things these days with snotgrafts, Glad she’s doing better!

(the next day)

Spammy: Hello
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: hello thank you for accepting my invitation thank you
Reid: Howdy!

Spammy: coment are you?
Reid: I am coment fine! How are things on you?

Spammy: yes of me is jenifer you?
Reid: Very much! I am of Jennifer very.

Spammy: How old are you? what do you do beautiful in life? you have children? you love what’s beautiful? you’re single for how long?
Reid: I’m 27, single all my life and living it! I sleep under a bridge, no kids, just a chicken. How about you?

Spammy: I a girl of 7 years
Reid: Can you drive a car?
Spammy: yes of course requests and why you think that?
Reid: You said you were 7 years.

Spammy: I am the caps you?
Reid: Caps? Of course! And you?

Spammy: I do hairstyle
Reid: Cool. I usually have hair. What’s your favorite fruit? I like the tambourine.

Spammy: I like orange
Reid: Delicious! Also a good color. Grapes should just be called purples. Except for the green ones, I mean. Those should only be taken rectally.

Spammy: ok you live alone?
Reid: Yes, ever since the fumigation. Do you?

Spammy: I life with my daughter. that you are looking for here?
Reid: I are looking for things that here are usually found on not the way.

Spammy: I am a woman such a little reserved intelligent single comprehensive open to other shy tolérantes- very good cook I support in difficult times and other moments of joy and would love to meet you and talk with you a dialogue further…
Reid: That sounds wonderful to meet! I have plenty of room under the bridge. Where do you living?

Spammy: in canada but I sent Ivory Coast with my daughter and you?
Reid: I’m in Montana. The state that means well. Is that too far away to meet for dinner? I’m already defrosting some wildebeest steaks for you.

Spammy: ok what do you do in life?
Reid: I’m a pallbearer. And you?

Spammy: I do hair and tell me what you like in a woman?
Reid: I like a woman to have hair, definitely. In some places more than others. What color is your hairs?

Spammy: You see (sends obviously fake pic)
Reid: Ah, that’s nice. is that a Vera Schlong dress? Very pretty. Burrito.

Spammy: yes i do
Reid: So what are you looking for?

Spammy: I look for a man with whom make my living
Reid: So some guy who’ll just pay you to style his hair?

Spammy: you speak of?
Reid: Verily, I speak thereof. Hair for the future. The hair up there.

Spammy: you talk about that in the end because I do it’s more what you tell me

(finally looks at my Facebook account)

Spammy: but I do not understand you then you called me not all the truth about you I see that you are 45 and you being married but you called me contrais everything I saw there????
Reid: This is my brother’s account. He’s undercover with Shield. I’m not supposed to talk about it.

Spammy:  but tell me and you, you do not have a Facebook account
Reid: No. I have a MySpace, though.

And finally, they gave up.

– Reid Kerr owes a Nigerian prince money. You can find his first book, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape,” on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com, or if you’ve already purchased it, in your hand.

 

 

 

 



Least Mode: The Unofficial Official Super Bowl XLIX Timeline

5th February 2015 by admin No Comments

For those of you who are fans of sports, commercials, controversy, halftime shows, fistfights, and all of the other things that go into a Super Bowl, my annual award-winning* Super Bowl Timeline is up now at ProjectShanks.com, featuring lines like…

9:57pm – The Seahawks get a miracle catch to get the ball down inside the Patriots five yard line, where they will surely give the ball to the unstoppable Marshawn Lynch for the go-ahead touchdown!

10:00pm – Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Seahawks make the worst offensive decision since Hitler thought he could beat Russia on their home turf in winter. The Patriots intercept the ball.

Check it out, kids.

* Theoretical awards only, there is not yet an award for “Best Smart-ass.”



I’m The Map!

26th January 2015 by admin No Comments

Just out of curiosity, I took this quiz on a website to show how many states in the USA I’ve visited.  Not bad, although ten years ago, it would have been much more sparse.

Looking at this, it makes me look forward to the travel book, “I Hate It Here.” Lots of good stories coming in that one.


visited 25 states (50%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or Amsterdam travel guide for Android



Why “Free” Is Still A Great Deal For Everybody

27th December 2014 by admin No Comments
The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape

The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape

I had a friend ask me why I was excited about my book (“The Great Texas Trailer Park”) being offered for free for Christmas.

Quick plug, yes, free. You can get my book for free for another day or so here, as well as 20 other books from great horror writers like John Paul Allen, Sara Brooke, Neal Barrett Jr., Monica J. O’Rourke, and many others. Also, a free book from some guy named Neil Gaiman. Never heard of him. He sounds Canadian, or something. Click here for the link, and download all of them for free while they last.

Now, back to my point.

How can I make it as a writer when my book is free for a couple of days? It’s a logical question. When you get something from an artist for free, it’s hopefully a part of a long-term arrangement.

By the way, I’m using the word “artist” to mean anyone who creates. I’m not putting all of us on the same level. I look at some of the authors who are also on that page of free books, and I consider my own writing abilities, and it just makes me want to go sit in a corner and eat a bag of candy. I use the term generically, and without judgment.

For an example, my book sells for $2.99. For me to sell enough copies of my book to live my desired life of a riverboat gambler, I’d have to sell a copy to every man, woman, and child in the greater Dallas area. And I’ve been up there often, and I can assure you, many of those people don’t get my jokes.

The point of writing my first book was to keep writing, and build an audience. At this point in my career, I’d just like more people to read my books, hopefully enjoy them, and come back for the next one. Giving away a book for free if it creates a relationship with a new reader is an investment in the future.

So please, go ahead and download my book while it’s still free. And get the rest too, especially if you’re a fan of horror, because there are some really strong books on that page.

Just remember, you got the book for free from the author, and if you enjoy it, there are a couple of things you can do to help them in gratitude for providing you with free (or even low cost) entertainment.

First and foremost, if you like it, tell someone. A quick tweet or post on Facebook will do wonders, especially if you’ve got friends with similar interests. If you have friends without similar interests, well, you have really weird friends but they still might enjoy my book. Remember wearing a t-shirt from your favorite indy band? Same principle, but better fashion sense.

If you like the writer, follow them. I’ve got a writer’s page on Facebook  where I’ll be moving all of my random comedy bits after the start of the year. If you “like” my FB posts or my tweets, then like my new page so you don’t miss any of it. And better yet, share my page with your friends. If you think I’m funny, hopefully they will too. The best way to advertise is through word of mouth, so if you read something you like, let your friends know. Every connection made helps an author expand their reach, and creates another potential fan.

Also, leave a review. When you like something you’ve read from an author, please go to Amazon, B&N.com, and Smashwords, and leave them a positive review. Stats show 83% of people will at least glance at the reviews on a book from a new author before they buy it.

By the way, stats also show that I make up a lot of stats, and I always use 83% as my default percentage. Still, it’s vitally important.

If you like the new Lee Child “Jack Reacher” novel (I did), leaving a review for it would be nice, but not necessary. That book had already sold 47 billion copies by the time they finished printing it. Word of mouth doesn’t make that much of a difference to something that’s already in the front window of Barnes & Noble.

On the other hand, small press and indy authors need your love. “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” has 22 five-star reviews, and believe me, I appreciate every single one of them. The fact people not only have bought my work but enjoyed it? That makes me feel awesome.

When you create art of any kind, whether it’s writing, art, music, comedy, whatever, you create it in a vacuum. No matter how much you workshop it, take it to writers’ groups, and get feedback, there’s still a huge leap of faith involved in finishing it and throwing it out there for public consumption.

It’s like having a baby that you know the world won’t hesitate to point and call ugly. Thank God there’s no Amazon reviews for infants. Yet.

I’m pleased with getting my royalty checks from Biting Dog Press, don’t get me wrong. I’m even more pleased that people like my work, and are interested in coming back for the next book. That’s the goal.

So by all means, go ahead and download my book while you can. Grab some of the others too, and see if you like them. If so, let the authors know, and tell a friend or two.

Enjoy!



The Rundown

19th November 2014 by admin No Comments

My morning run was especially exhilarating today!

Since it’s 19°, that run was to the bathroom and back to bed. Which is the most rewarding exercise I’ve had in a while.



Winter’s Boner

16th November 2014 by admin No Comments

10389284_10152912005121554_4443874567358025410_nAccording to the forecast, it’s going to start snowing here about five o’clock, and continue through May.

Sugartit Sunday morning coming down, my friends.



Low Society

9th November 2014 by admin No Comments

Since I don’t really know anyone in Cincinnati, I joined a county-wide Facebook group. After one week of listening to them, I’ve decided that instead of cheering for the Reds or Bengals, I’m just going to root for meth lab explosions.



Reid’s Writing Tips

15th September 2014 by admin No Comments

While hanging out on Twitter today (at @ReidAboutIt, of course), I saw some other writer handing out some #WritingTips. I felt like the world should have the benefit of my vast lack of knowledge, and since my jeans were in the wash and I had time, I thought I’d hammer out a few of my rules for newbies.

These are 100% guaranteed to work, although please remember that guarantee is not legally backed up in any way, shape, or form.

  • Remember, backstory and context are important to establish for characters, so always start your book with a murder spree at a family reunion.
  • Try not to write things that make people wonder what’s on TV.
  • If you use social media solely to harass people to buy your book, you risk shunning, plus getting punched in the taint.
  • Non-paying gigs can really help you with exposure, which is what you’ll die of when you’re broke and living under a bridge.
  • If your intro sucks, feel free to use “I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray.”
  • Literary agents generally prefer to find their own clients. But not in their backyards, holding a hatchet.
  • Getting a high Google ranking is important for sales, so play it safe and name your book’s romantic interest “Google.”
  • Sometimes it helps to get away from your work while editing, so don’t be afraid to bury it in the back yard for a few days while you go get drunk.
  • If you’re running short on a word count, drop a few dozen “very’s” in there. Editors very love that stuff.
  • You can learn a lot from negative reviews of your work, including which pills you can mix with alcohol and still live.
  • Asking social media followers to retweet things for you often is like asking them to pick you up at the airport. Every day.

– Reid Kerr would like to remind you his comedy novel, “The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape” is available for the low low price of $2.99 at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com.