Reid About It

Craigslist has changed the way we shop. It’s also changed the way long-haul truckers pick up transsexuals, but that’s beside the point.

I have some furniture I’ve been trying to get out of my house, and I figured Craigslist would be a good place to do that. It’s garage sale priced, which means it’s at a price low enough that you can come buy it before I just throw it away.

It's a desk. I promise.

Among other items, I have a desk. It’s not some half-assed construction of particle board and cardboard you’d buy at Walmart, it’s a legitimate, hard topped, solid desk suitable for writing, computer work, bending your secretary over it Mad-Men-style, or whatever else you’d like to do with it.

I asked $25 on it. That’s not much. I’d gladly pay it if I needed a desk. Hell, that’s a good price for it if you want to chop it up and use it for firewood. There are far crappier items of furniture going for more on Craigslist all the time.

So I listed it, and it didn’t sell, so I relisted it again. And then one more time, all over the course of a week.

I had seven different people contact me to see if the desk was still for sale. Seven. Every time I replied that it was still for sale, and gave them my number to call.

Zero calls.

Not a single call after the emails. They didn’t email me back and ask if I’d take less for it, or anything else. They didn’t inquire as to the color, or if it locked, or if perhaps there might be a treasure map hidden in one of the drawers. They just checked to see if I still had it, then went on their merry way.

I felt like I was in some kind of scavenger hunt, where contestants only had to locate where certain items were just in case they’d be needed later.

Them: “Do you still have that desk?”
Me: “Yes.”
Them: “What about a set of Ikea bookshelves you had to rig together with wire ties?”
Me: “Uh…yep.”
Them: “Do you have a jar of pickles, by any chance?”
Me: “No. Go fish.”

Finally, I had a woman contact me and ask if I would bring the desk to a town 50 minutes away to meet her. Two things here. One, I don’t have a truck to transport it, and two, are you out of your fucking mind? Putting 25 dollars worth of fuel in my car won’t even make my hands smell like gas. Taking two hours to drive 100 miles to deliver a desk for 25 dollars is the kind of money that would have only made sense if I were actually delivering it to 1980, and I could invest that 25 bucks in AT&T stock while I was there.

Eventually, I had a guy come by and look at the desk. You know, see it, touch it, actually verify it existed and was, in fact, a desk.

It made me feel good to know that someone else existed who was able to grasp the concept of “desk.”

– Reid Kerr doesn’t know who “Craig” is, but his list leaves lot to be deserved.

It would probably be a good idea for Iron Man to put his helmet on.

My new podcast is up on “The Avengers” movie, as King Geek amongst my friends I’ve gotten a lot of questions on the flick. Here’s my discussion and answers, including:

• Who the purple guy at the end of the movie is, and what that means.
• Which character I though got too much screen time.
• The best parts of an unexpectedly funny movie.

All that and more on the podcast. You can listen to it below or download it here. All my podcasts are also available on iTunes,subscribe to them here if you prefer.

Any questions? Just twitter them to me at @reidaboutit.

– Reid Kerr was hoping Nick Fury would explain where he got the blood for the Captain America trading cards.

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Honey, you smell like a Viking.

My new favorite tie-in product for The Avengers movie has to be the shower gel.

It apparently lights up when you open it, which is great I always want my shower gear to have small electrical relays in there so they can activate right next to running water.

Avengers Shower Gel…for those of you ladies who want your man to smell like Thor.

Caution: Will not cause abs.

– Reid Kerr doubts the Norsemen really smelled like anything remotely resembling a shower.

My official unofficial NFL Draft 2012 timeline:

Thursday, April 26, 2012, 4:15pm Central Time – ESPN confirms quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III will be the first two picks in the 2012 draft, with ESPN’s NFL analysts saying Indianapolis and Washington have taken can’t-miss prospects and solved their quarterback problems. Meanwhile in Texas, two arrest warrants are issued for former NFL quarterback and 1998 #2 draft pick Ryan Leaf. Sadly, ESPN has no Irony analysts.

6:13pm – News breaks that the Minnesota Vikings have traded the third pick in the draft to Cleveland, who hope to use the pick to redraft LeBron James and make him come back to town.

7:00pm – ESPN’s draft coverage begins with a message from Ray Lewis. That message? “Don’t screw this up, or I’ll kill you.”

7:02pm – As the show opens, it’s a dream come true for sports fans, as the background music for the draft completely overpowers Mel Kiper Draft Expert.

7:03pm – Roger Goodell opens the draft to a chorus of boos, then looks into the camera and tells Saints coach Sean Payton to turn off the TV and go to bed.

7:04pm – The Indianapolis Colts go on the clock, just like they’ve been since last May when Peyton Manning had his neck surgery. Andrew Luck cements his claim to being a “throwback” quarterback by taking the call from the Colts on a flip-phone from 2004.

7:05pm – It takes the Colts less than a minute to pick Andrew Luck. The camera pans to show a crowd of Indy fans cheering. In a bad sign, all of them are wearing jerseys from players who are no longer with the team.

7:13pm – The Redskins take quarterback Robert Griffin III from Baylor, and Redskins fans are ecstatic with their new first-round pick quarterback. Just like they were when they picked Heath Shuler, Patrick Ramsey, and Jason Campbell.

7:19pm – ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells us he expects 7-10 trades tonight. Not to be outdone, ESPN’s Adam Schefter says he expects 12 trades, two firings, and a wife swap.

7:20pm – The Browns draft Trent Richardson, who seems under-joyed to be headed to Cleveland. It takes Chris Berman less than a minute to bring up Jim Brown. When you have to go back 47 years to make a comparison at a position, things have been pretty bad.

7:32pm – Jacksonville trades up to the fifth pick to take wide receiver Justin Blackmon. Mel Kiper Draft Expert tells us about Blackmon’s skill set. Since the Jags have previously used first round picks on receivers Matt Jones, Reggie Williams, and R. Jay Soward, the main skill they’re hoping for from Blackmon is “staying in the league.”

7:34pm – An on-screen graphic indicates the Dallas Cowboys have traded up, which makes every Cowboys fan nauseous.

7:37pm – Dallas takes Morris Claiborne. ESPN spends two minutes talking about how good a player he is, then Jon Gruden unveils a two-minute video clip of Claiborne missing tackles. Gruden’s the kind of guy who’ll wait until your first bite of cheeseburger, then tell you how many calories are in it.

7:51pm – The Dolphins pick Texas A&M’s Ryan Tannehill, reuniting him with his former college coach Mike Sherman, who’s now Miami’s offensive coordinator. That’s an interesting conversation in Miami’s war room. “Hey Mike, what do you think about that kid you had last year when you weren’t very good and got fired?” It’s like Charlie Sheen recommending Chuck Lorre for a job.

8:18pm – Arizona takes receiver Michael Floyd, who’s thrilled to be playing alongside his mentor, Larry Fitzgerald. Oh, and catching passes from some guy he wouldn’t have had on his fantasy football team last season.

8:30pm – Seattle takes pass-rushing specialist Bruce Irvin, which ESPN’s analysts describe as bringing a new element to the team. Since the Seahawks don’t currently employ a high-school dropout who got arrested within 24 hours of his Pro Day, that’s an accurate assessment.

8:40pm – The Jets take Quinton Coples, which leads Gruden to describe him as “flexible, he can really bend and twist and turn his body.” Apparently Gruden’s research also includes detailed scouting reports on Twister.

8:48pm – Cincinnati takes Dre Kirkpatrick, getting a player so ready to fit into the Bengals system that he’s already been arrested this calendar year.

9:02pm – Adam Schefter announces New England is moving up in a trade.

9:08pm – Tennessee picks receiver Kendall Wright with the twentieth pick. In response, current Titans receiver Kenny Britt sets a personal goal not to get arrested so much.

9:12pm – Cleveland drafts 28 year-old quarterback Brandon Weeden, and a discussion of his age begins. Apparently in the NFL, being 28 makes you old enough to date Betty White.

9:19pm – Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson comes on stage to show off his new Madden Football cover, which means he’s due for some “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style curse to hit him any moment now.

9:23pm – The Patriots trade up for the second time in the last half hour, just to show they can.

9:44pm – The Minnesota Vikings attempt to use the 29th pick to draft a new stadium.

10:04pm – The World Champion New York Giants take running back David Wilson, ending the first round of the 2012 Draft. Except for the next hour of ESPN’s coverage of course.

10:07pm – The Patriots trade up into the second segment of SportsCenter.

Random thoughts while waiting in line at the deli counter…

• 11 Different Kinds of Ham: It’s all made from the same pig. Once you get it on bread and cover it with mustard and cheese, will even the most discerning pallet be able to decide which is sugar-baked honey ham, and which one is light glazed smoked ham? If you’re going to have ham for lunch, just pick a brand and eat it. Don’t try and sexy up a simple foodstuff. It’s a snack, it’s not the DaVinci Code.
• Ham & Cheese Loaf: How lazy can we get? If you’ve reached the point where you’ll pay extra to have a stranger assemble your ham and your cheese to make your sandwich, maybe you could use the exercise of constructing the snack yourself.
• Liver Loaf: Incomprehensible that this product would be on the market. The single most maligned food on the planet, and they try and make it more attractive by making it look like ham surrounded by a thick layer of lard.
• Souse Loaf: What the Hell is this? What kind of animal is “souse”? Is it a biped? Is it dangerous? And what’s so important about letting us know there’s “gelatin added”?
• Cotto Salami: Not sure what “cotto” is. Why couldn’t they just say “Salami with green crap floating in it”? On second thought, maybe that’s not the best marketing ploy. See? I’m always willing to listen to a better idea.
• Smokin’ Chipotle Turkey: Ah, chipotle, the white whale of foods. We needed to make up a new kind of food to get everybody interested again, so we came up with “chipotle”. Before that, it was “angus,” and “tilapia.” Nobody grew up fishing for tilapia. Nobody had even heard of tilapia until about a year ago, and now you can’t get through Luby’s without somebody throwing one on your plate.
• Luncheon Loaf: This is truly scary. No one really knows what this is. It’s pretty vague. It’s like when McDonalds offers you a “Fillet O’Fish”, and since it’s only two bucks, nobody ever stops to ask just exactly what kind of “fish” they’re eating. Same thing with Luncheon Loaf. To begin with, “luncheons” are never pleasant. Lunch is a meal. A “luncheon” is a social gathering, where people pretend they always get dressed up to eat at eleven in the morning, and are forced to try and make a meal out of salad and finger sandwiches while some uninteresting speaker drones on about some charity project that could easily be attained if everyone in the room would simply donate their money to the cause instead of spending it on awful meals like the one they’re eating. They would never serve “luncheon loaf” at an actual luncheon.

I’m really fascinated by the affect the internet has on social interaction.

Okay, that’s probably a pretty boring way to start off a blog. I should probably start off by saying “Jenna Jameson naked pictures” or “Sarah Palin Girls Gone Wild video” or something.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all heard of Wikipedia. It’s an website billed as “the on-line encyclopedia that anyone can edit.”

And that’s the problem, but more on that later.

I discovered Wikipedia a few years ago, corrected some wrong information on some article, and soon became a regular contributor. By “contributor,” I didn’t do a whole lot that was constructive on Wikipedia, I just kind of hung out and watched what other people did. I helped write some articles on things I knew a lot about and I did a lot of “vandal fighting.”

That “vandal fighting” is something that’s rampant on wikipedia. Since anyone can edit it, anyone can mess with it, which means when some junior high kid added “Poop!” to an article, I took it out. If I saw somebody on a high school’s page adding alumni like “Big Rod Johnson” to the list of names, I deleted it. I wasn’t exactly defending the castle, if you know what I’m saying. As David Lee Roth says, it ain’t rocket surgery. It happens pretty constantly, and they don’t really do anything about it.

It’s not the article pages that are worth watching, it’s the shouting matches and edit wars that go on over trivial details that become unintentionally hilarious “Springer” moments. As you learn more about the social aspects of it, you realize that Wikipedia is really like a neighborhood bar. Except no one has a date, everyone is trying to get their way, and whenever you try and get them to help you, you realize everyone has low-level Aspergers.

Wikipedia quickly becomes a big timesink, with so much effort put into keeping the word “poop” off of pages that actual information kind of falls by the wayside. I’ve probably flushed enough time down there to finish two novels and a short story, and all I have to show for it is an epitaph that’ll read “Here Lies Reid…He Kept ‘Poop’ Off of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Internet Biography’.”

It’s the encyclopedia anyone can edit. A quick glance at your Facebook feed will indicate why that’s a pretty foolish idea.

However, there’s something even weirder. There’s a site called Wikipedia Review, which appears to be composed of current and former Wikipedia editors who spend all day making fun of other Wikipedia editors.

People who donate their time to an online encyclopedia are accused of having no lives by people who contribute their time to an online forum dedicated to cataloging the wasted time spent on the encyclopedia.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a Wikipedia Review Critique, which makes fun of the people making fun of Wikipedia.

– Reid Kerr wants to know if there’s a ReidAboutItReview.com.

I know we’re all guaranteed religious freedom in America, but I’m not exactly sure if buying a discount Bible is the best way to make it to heaven.

Nah, you don’t need all four Gospels. And really, why do you want to know about all twelve apostles? You can just hit the highpoints.

This is like getting the Cliff Notes of the Bible. You know when you get to heaven, they might just ask you where you got the Word, right?

St. Peter: And where did you come to know the Lord, son?
You: Uh…on a table at Barnes & Noble. Marked down. Remaindered, really. They were right next to a pile of Michael Crichton novels.
St. Peter: Which ones?
You: “Congo” and “Sphere.”
St. Peter: So, the crappy ones?
You: I guess so.
St. Peter: Yeah, you’re going to have to wait over there.

– Reid Kerr also wants to know who resold the “used” diet books.

Watched the 80′s classic movie “Sixteen Candles” last night. Found this conversation between Anthony Michael Hall’s Geek and the dreamboat Jake Ryan mildly jarring.

JAKE RYAN: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
FARMER TED: (choking) What are you waiting for?

Ah, 1984. That was back when date-rape was funny, I guess. It’s like remembering that Nick Nolte’s character in “48 Hours” was hilarious, and then seeing the movie again and noticing he’s more than just an eentsy-bit racist.

– Reid Kerr doesn’t even want to start on “The Donger.”

You ever get that moment when you see something from your youth, and because you are now an adult, you actually take the time to think about it and it makes no sense?

Happens to me all the time, which kind of sucks. I’ll be listening to the radio and hear something like “Beat It” and think to myself, “Man, Michael Jackson was so popular he could take a lyrical piece of crap like ‘No one wants to be defeated‘ and make us buy it.”

Anyway, I had another one of those moments tonight and heard “Little Red Corvette.” I never really thought about how Prince said the girl had a “pocket full of horses, Trojan, and some of them used.”

It doesn’t matter how hot you are or what kind of Prince-inspired dirty stuff you’re willing to do. If I find you with used condoms in your pocket, that’s a deal-breaker, ladies.

I’m all about the safe sex, but you should discard those as soon as you’re finished with them. Even if the bedroom only has a wicker trashbasket, you can throw them away when you get to the bathroom. Please.

– Reid Kerr believes some things should be required to be disposable.

I found myself in a situation recently where I had to take a standardized test. I was applying for a position, and found out that I had taken the SATs too long ago for them to still be relevant. Apparently when I took the SATs, they asked me questions about reading, math, fire, and wheel. I needed to be tested on newer subjects like text messaging, low-slung pants, and internet porn.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t a bear of very little brain, so I saddled up and went down to my local junior college. I was able to sign up for a standardized test in a few minutes, and away I went.

When I was in high school, the SATs were a big deal. You had to send off to sign up months in advance, show up early, show ID to prove you were really you and not some rented Asian kid, etc.

Now, you just sign up online, show up at your local college, and sit down. Much easier.

Sitting next to me was a girl of about eighteen. She was wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, which exposed most of her back. It also showed off her enormous garish four-color tattoo of a heart encircled with names which stretched from shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

She was there taking a test to be certified as…wait for it…an elementary school teacher.

Children are our future, indeed. I wasn’t even aware there was a “Kindergarten Teachers Gone Wild” line of video tapes.

I did pretty well on the test. A lot of the english questions had to do with writing something the correct way, which is tricky. As you can tell, I often write my sentences in a non-traditional manner to get my point across. For example, the correct way to write a sentence might be “Sarah Palin resigned her official duties as Governor of Alaska,” while I might write “…poop shoes.” Both are correct.

As for the math, it’s funny what you carry with you from school. I don’t know the cosine of anything. All I know about that is with a cosine, you can get a car loan. The only tangents I know are irrelevant.

Once you’ve left school and you realize how very little cause there ever is to utilize algebra, you feel pretty gyped by it. It’s like they taught us how to churn butter, or shoe a mule or something.

– Reid Kerr is qualified to teach, which is scary.

To the person in front of us at Walmart a half hour ago, so sorry the imbecile checkout dude didn’t bother to give you all of your groceries, but thanks for the tuna and Powerade.

– Reid Kerr always checks to make sure he’s got all his bags, because your average Walmart checkout person is a real piece of Samsonite.

Another podcast up today on my “Inside The Writer’s Studio” series, this time with fellow Texan Travis Erwin. Among other things, Travis is the author of “The Feedstore Chronicles,” available now at Amazon.  Travis took a few minutes to sit down with me and talk about writing, getting his start, finding the right agent, his writing process, and a special television project he’s got coming up that he can’t talk much about.

You can listen to the interview below, or download it here.

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